Jan. 25, 2026
Mini Episode: What If Losing Control Is The First Lesson Of Motherhood
Send us a text A healthy baby and a healthy mom can still leave a complicated story behind. We open the door to a birth that didn’t follow the plan: an epidural that didn’t work, Pitocin contractions that crashed like waves, and a mind trying to keep pace with a body doing the unimaginable. What sounded like chaos turns out to be wisdom—instinctive movement that helped a baby rotate and descend, progress made in spite of pain, and a partner steadying the room when words ran out. Together we ...
A healthy baby and a healthy mom can still leave a complicated story behind. We open the door to a birth that didn’t follow the plan: an epidural that didn’t work, Pitocin contractions that crashed like waves, and a mind trying to keep pace with a body doing the unimaginable. What sounded like chaos turns out to be wisdom—instinctive movement that helped a baby rotate and descend, progress made in spite of pain, and a partner steadying the room when words ran out.
Together we examine where control slipped and why that matters. We talk plainly about augmentation, how to assess whether an epidural is effective, and when dialing back Pitocin should be on the table. We explore the emotional fallout of early moments—jealousy when a partner holds the baby first, the sting of being told rather than asked, the reality of stitches and exhaustion. Along the way, we track how hospital culture is changing, from the golden hour of skin-to-skin to more thoughtful language that invites consent and restores agency.
This isn’t a tidy highlight reel. It’s a reframed narrative that honors labor as both physical work and emotional landscape. If your birth story still makes your throat tighten, you’re not broken—you’re human. Come hear how naming the moment things went sideways can loosen the knot, how instinct deserves credit, and how small shifts in communication can transform the way we remember meeting our children. If this conversation helps you see your own story with kinder eyes, share it with a friend, hit follow, and leave a quick review to help more parents find their footing.
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Medical Disclaimer:
This podcast is intended as a safe space for women to share their birth experiences. It is not intended to provide medical advice. Each woman’s medical course of action is individual and may not appropriately transfer to another similar situation. Please speak to your medical provider before making any medical decisions. Additionally, it is important to keep in mind that evidence based practice evolves as our knowledge of science improves. To the best of my ability I will attempt to present the most current ACOG and AWHONN recommendations at the time the podcast is recorded, but that may not necessarily reflect the best practices at the time the podcast is heard. Additionally, guests sharing their stories have the right to autonomy in their medical decisions, and may share their choice to go against current practice recommendations. I intend to hold space for people to share their decisions. I will attempt to share the current recommendations so that my audience is informed, but it is up to each individual to choose what is best for them.
00:00 - Naming The Trauma
01:53 - The Epidural That Didn’t Work
03:58 - Pitocin, Pain, And Control
07:13 - Instinctive Movement Explained
10:48 - Validating The Work She Did
14:08 - First Hold, Jealousy, And Stitches
17:38 - Breastfeeding And Uncertainty
WEBVTT
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Throughout the whole thing, we were both healthy.
00:00:30.500 --> 00:00:31.379
We both came out fine.
00:00:31.620 --> 00:00:32.259
She's great.
00:00:32.340 --> 00:00:33.460
She's almost nine.
00:00:33.700 --> 00:00:34.820
And I survived.
00:00:35.140 --> 00:00:36.899
That's what I get to say for that.
00:00:41.219 --> 00:00:42.659
Let's pause for a sec.
00:00:42.899 --> 00:00:43.219
Okay.
00:00:43.460 --> 00:00:46.899
Because there's still some unprocessed emotions there.
00:00:47.620 --> 00:00:59.140
Um so you told what I would consider a pretty traumatic story because what I define as trauma is your brain can't connect with what is happening to your body.
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Like your brain cannot explain it.
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And so I hear a lot of, oh my God, what is happening to me?
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My body is out of control.
00:01:08.500 --> 00:01:19.700
So I kind of want to, I want to hear from you what parts were the hardest parts or the parts where you felt, you know, you described feeling like something from the exorcist.
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Yes.
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Right.
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Are there points in the story that you could go back and pinpoint that you need to work through?
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It would be the point up to where the nurse was like, how are you physically doing that?
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Because that's when the realization hit that the epidural did not take.
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And I guess it's something that could have been avoided.
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Potentially.
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I mean, if the epidural took the first time, then I wouldn't have been in that pain.
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Right.
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And but it didn't.
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And obviously you can't change that.
00:01:52.180 --> 00:02:00.659
But that, I mean, that is definitely if I have PTSD over something, it's that excruciating pain from the Pitocin.
00:02:01.219 --> 00:02:05.780
If I went back, would I have let them give me Pitocin, knowing that Bedural didn't take?
00:02:05.859 --> 00:02:06.260
I don't know.
00:02:06.340 --> 00:02:10.819
If that Pedro took, the Pitocin doesn't like it would have been an irrelevant thing.
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You know what I mean?
00:02:12.420 --> 00:02:12.659
Yeah.
00:02:12.819 --> 00:02:19.459
So I mean, that's definitely the point where it was just, I'd been active labor for a long time at that point.
00:02:20.340 --> 00:02:22.980
And like you're just physically exhausted.
00:02:23.219 --> 00:02:23.699
Yeah.
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My brain was not functioning.
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No.
00:02:27.300 --> 00:02:32.579
I feel like what I'm hearing you say is your brain was trying to, and this is what women do.
00:02:32.740 --> 00:02:36.099
We gaslight ourselves into thinking that we're fine or we should be fine.
00:02:36.180 --> 00:02:38.099
So we need to suck it up, right?
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And you and Brandon didn't know that everything was not fine.
00:02:42.099 --> 00:02:44.340
So how could you have said anything?
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Like you're in that pressure cooker, you know, like, you know, the frog in the hot water, it just gets hotter and hotter and hotter.
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And so all you were doing was coping.
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And the way that you were sitting was the only way that was comfortable.
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So you were trying to figure out how to cope in that situation.
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And then come to find out you potentially didn't need to.
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Is that what you kind of felt?
00:03:05.620 --> 00:03:05.860
Yeah.
00:03:05.939 --> 00:03:15.539
I mean, probably obviously the pain caused trauma, but it's probably more of the point where I wasn't in control of any of the situation.
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Yeah.
00:03:18.340 --> 00:03:20.659
That's probably where it stems from more.
00:03:21.139 --> 00:03:29.939
Was it do you feel like it was you didn't feel in control because you thought you had the epidural and you felt like there was nothing else that could be done?
00:03:30.259 --> 00:03:30.979
Maybe.
00:03:31.219 --> 00:03:31.539
Okay.
00:03:31.860 --> 00:03:34.659
And if you don't want to, if you don't want to dive deep right now, you don't have to.
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We can.
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I just there's so much of that time I don't remember, probably because my brain is like, we don't want you to.
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That's true.
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That's true.
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I find that if we can kind of pinpoint the time where we realize we didn't have to be as strong as we were, we can legitimize the feelings of being completely out of control or realize that what you went through was truly an intense, painful experience that most people would feel was traumatic, right?
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Right.
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Then we can kind of take a breath and realize okay, what I did was really hard.
00:04:25.620 --> 00:04:37.539
And I don't want to say we could go back and change it, but if you could go back and understand what was happening a little bit better, we can kind of alleviate some of that.
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So you were saying that your body was doing things that you normally wouldn't do.
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Like you were moving in in ways that were not natural for you.
00:04:46.579 --> 00:04:50.579
And then you finally managed to settle on sitting straight up.
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So what you were doing, although like with the pitocin, if you're having contractions every 30 seconds, that's really hard, right?
00:04:57.860 --> 00:05:04.339
But what you were doing was you were probably moving your baby down in your pelvis, honestly, because let me try to piece it together.
00:05:04.500 --> 00:05:10.339
I don't know if you like have a complete timeline, but did they check your cervix before you got the second epidural?
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I don't recall them doing it.
00:05:12.420 --> 00:05:12.740
Okay.
00:05:13.540 --> 00:05:24.819
So what we do when we're moving around in labor is we try to move with our body so that we alleviate pressure and pain.
00:05:25.060 --> 00:05:32.579
And while that sounds horrific, and in your situation, I think it probably was, what we're doing is we're working with our baby.
00:05:32.740 --> 00:05:39.220
So you have a baby that's pushing on the bones of your pelvis and trying to work her way down.
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And as you have a contraction, your baby's head is moving to one side or the other, or twisting and rotating, or doing all of the above.
00:05:47.860 --> 00:05:54.579
And as you feel that there's a place of pressure where your baby's pushing, that's probably going to be an obstacle for your baby.
00:05:54.740 --> 00:05:58.180
So then you move so that you can kind of get out of the way of that obstacle.
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And as you're doing so, you're pushing your baby down in your body to make it so that your baby can be born.
00:06:04.100 --> 00:06:13.699
So when you say that you are bending in ways that you normally couldn't, yes, you're probably doing things more exaggerated than what we would be doing in natural labor, right?
00:06:13.779 --> 00:06:14.899
Because you had a pitocin going.
00:06:15.379 --> 00:06:17.779
And that's not to say that Pitocin always does that.
00:06:17.939 --> 00:06:22.899
It sounds like if you're having contractions every 30 seconds, it might have been a little bit too much Pitocin.
00:06:23.139 --> 00:06:24.819
They probably could have backed off at that point.
00:06:25.060 --> 00:06:33.699
But the fact that you found ways to try to figure out how to get comfortable, you were doing all the things that I would have had you do had I been there, right?
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You were just doing them instinctually.
00:06:35.620 --> 00:06:36.660
You're listening to your body.
00:06:36.899 --> 00:06:44.339
So I just want you to know that while you felt like you weren't able to cope, that's exactly what you're doing.
00:06:44.579 --> 00:06:48.899
And you were helping your baby move down, right?
00:06:49.379 --> 00:06:55.459
And what your husband was doing, what Brandon was doing, was composing himself so that he could be there for you.
00:06:55.540 --> 00:06:59.699
So you guys were really doing everything you needed to do with the knowledge that you had.
00:06:59.860 --> 00:07:04.740
And so I just want you to know how great you did, despite feeling completely out of control.
00:07:04.980 --> 00:07:10.980
You were completely in the moment, using all of your instincts and doing the absolute right thing.
00:07:11.139 --> 00:07:18.259
And then when somebody came in and validated your feelings and realized that what had happened was your epidural wasn't working, you'd already done all the work.
00:07:18.420 --> 00:07:21.139
And then you got to take a nap and your baby was ready to come out.
00:07:21.220 --> 00:07:24.019
So I don't know if it was the relaxation that helped.
00:07:24.180 --> 00:07:24.980
I mean, that does help.
00:07:25.060 --> 00:07:32.420
It helps you really, you know, relax your muscles, but I think you probably did a lot of that work moving around and trying to get your baby in the right position.
00:07:32.579 --> 00:07:34.019
Does that feel any better?
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Yeah.
00:07:35.139 --> 00:07:35.540
Exactly.
00:07:38.819 --> 00:07:40.180
I told you not to make me cry.
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I'm sorry.
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I told you I guaranteed I would.
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Yeah.
00:07:43.300 --> 00:07:49.939
So when you said that Brandon held Kylie and you weren't sure if you could, what were you feeling at that point?
00:07:50.259 --> 00:07:56.339
Oh, I was it's I joke about it, but it was more I wanted to hold her.
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Yeah.
00:07:58.500 --> 00:08:12.259
So there's probably some jealousy that he got to hold her first because they had a cleaner, and I did not want to hold a pooping baby or a baby covered in poop.
00:08:12.819 --> 00:08:14.259
I'm glad he got to.
00:08:15.060 --> 00:08:17.220
And I did get to hold her, and it was beautiful.
00:08:17.459 --> 00:08:20.500
And then we can go into a whole nother thing about breastfeeding.
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But it was hard.
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What was hard about it?
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Does it sound stupid if I say I don't know now?
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No.
00:08:32.579 --> 00:08:38.980
I mean, I think it's the it was the not knowing and not having control of the situation.
00:08:39.700 --> 00:08:40.819
That's hard to give up.
00:08:40.899 --> 00:08:54.740
I'm actually really good at adjusting to things, but I think the I don't know if anybody could have prepared for what happened to happen.
00:08:54.980 --> 00:08:55.299
Right.
00:08:55.539 --> 00:09:05.620
So I can't say, oh, if I had, you know, learned more about it, or oh, sometimes the epidural doesn't take, then I mean no that could be a thing.
00:09:05.860 --> 00:09:07.379
Do you feel like you did something wrong?
00:09:07.539 --> 00:09:12.980
I mean, we say you need plan A through Z, but really, how do you plan?
00:09:13.220 --> 00:09:13.860
Right.
00:09:14.179 --> 00:09:14.820
Right.
00:09:15.299 --> 00:09:17.299
I hear you saying a lot about control.
00:09:17.539 --> 00:09:22.980
Is it the fact that you felt out of control when you felt that you needed to be in control that's the hardest?
00:09:23.379 --> 00:09:24.019
Probably.
00:09:24.259 --> 00:09:25.860
Because it didn't follow my plan.
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It didn't follow what I want to have happen.
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The plan that you didn't have.
00:09:30.100 --> 00:09:30.500
Exactly.
00:09:30.659 --> 00:09:39.779
Well, we had a plan that was gonna go all natural and everything was gonna be great, and we were gonna bounce on my ball, and we were gonna do our silly pregnancy dance.
00:09:39.860 --> 00:09:48.659
And so I feel like birth is kind of the first welcome into motherhood and what it's really gonna be like.
00:09:48.980 --> 00:09:49.620
Yeah.
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That whole I'm actually not in control.
00:09:53.620 --> 00:09:54.179
Yes.
00:09:54.500 --> 00:09:58.259
And I know you deal with that daily, right?
00:09:58.419 --> 00:09:59.059
Yes.
00:09:59.700 --> 00:10:04.259
Children are fun, they are, and you roll with the punches there.
00:10:04.419 --> 00:10:06.179
And do you feel like you're really in control?
00:10:06.500 --> 00:10:07.779
No, okay.
00:10:08.019 --> 00:10:10.500
I feel like I have a resemblance of control.
00:10:10.820 --> 00:10:15.539
You can respond to the situation without feeling you're physically out of control.
00:10:15.940 --> 00:10:16.500
Yes.
00:10:16.740 --> 00:10:18.980
And you didn't feel that way during your birth.
00:10:19.460 --> 00:10:20.259
Correct.
00:10:20.500 --> 00:10:20.820
Okay.
00:10:21.299 --> 00:10:33.379
So from my perspective, I feel like you had a lot more control than you think you did because of all the things you did instinctually in order to help your baby come out.
00:10:33.620 --> 00:10:35.299
Does that make sense?
00:10:35.700 --> 00:10:38.259
It definitely makes me feel better.
00:10:38.500 --> 00:10:38.820
Okay.
00:10:39.379 --> 00:10:41.220
About everything that did happen.
00:10:41.379 --> 00:10:48.980
I mean, Kylie's almost nine, and I never would have thought my body was moving in ways to make her shift to where she needed to be.
00:10:49.139 --> 00:10:52.100
So it definitely makes me feel better about that.
00:10:52.419 --> 00:10:58.100
I mean, this the fact that you she broke your water and they had to tell you not to push.
00:10:58.419 --> 00:10:59.059
Right.
00:10:59.539 --> 00:11:01.860
That tells me that you did a lot of work.
00:11:02.019 --> 00:11:03.139
I did a lot of something.
00:11:03.620 --> 00:11:05.220
You did a lot of work.
00:11:06.419 --> 00:11:08.419
And then you got a well-deserved nap.
00:11:08.740 --> 00:11:10.019
It was a much needed nap.
00:11:10.259 --> 00:11:10.580
Yeah.
00:11:10.820 --> 00:11:15.299
And then after all of that, they cleaned her off and gave her to Brandon.
00:11:15.460 --> 00:11:16.899
Did were they doing anything with you?
00:11:17.059 --> 00:11:19.299
Did you at all feel like you physically couldn't hold her?
00:11:19.620 --> 00:11:20.899
Oh, well, no.
00:11:21.059 --> 00:11:22.419
They I couldn't hold her right away.
00:11:22.500 --> 00:11:23.460
They had to stitch me up.
00:11:23.620 --> 00:11:23.860
Yeah.
00:11:24.100 --> 00:11:25.059
I was very torn.
00:11:25.379 --> 00:11:25.539
Yeah.
00:11:26.740 --> 00:11:27.940
So they had to stitch me up.
00:11:28.100 --> 00:11:32.820
So they didn't want me while they were doing that, they didn't want me to hold her.
00:11:33.059 --> 00:11:37.940
And then afterwards, once you were like all cleaned up and everything, you had a chance.
00:11:38.179 --> 00:11:38.580
Yes.
00:11:38.820 --> 00:11:39.940
Then I got to hold her.
00:11:40.179 --> 00:11:46.100
So saying that Kylie is now nine and just kind of thinking back to practices back then.
00:11:46.580 --> 00:11:51.139
I feel like, and this was kind of the way of it when um my daughter was born.
00:11:51.379 --> 00:11:58.980
It wasn't standard to do immediate skin to skin with mom while the repair was happening.
00:11:59.220 --> 00:12:05.779
It wasn't until I feel like it became much more standard like five years ago now.
00:12:06.259 --> 00:12:07.860
Because my youngest is six.
00:12:08.100 --> 00:12:12.820
It was probably three or four years after that that it really started becoming standard.
00:12:12.980 --> 00:12:21.779
Because I worked at other hospitals after my son was born, and they still weren't fully doing like the golden hour skin to skin.
00:12:22.100 --> 00:12:26.740
So unfortunately, it was probably just the standard of practice back then.
00:12:27.059 --> 00:12:35.860
Now, if you have a baby, I feel like more hospitals are understanding the benefits of immediate skin to skin for one hour and will help you hold your baby.
00:12:36.019 --> 00:12:42.179
And then if you state that you don't feel like you can, they'll help you, or they'll find somebody else to do the skin to skin.
00:12:42.259 --> 00:12:43.700
Like it sounds like they did with Brandon.
00:12:43.860 --> 00:12:46.820
Also, people don't like necessarily like holding poopy.
00:12:47.220 --> 00:12:48.419
I didn't want poop on me.
00:12:48.500 --> 00:12:50.500
I at that point I didn't anyway.
00:12:50.659 --> 00:12:50.740
Right.
00:12:50.820 --> 00:12:50.899
Yeah.
00:12:51.379 --> 00:12:54.419
I wasn't gonna be able to shower right away.
00:12:54.659 --> 00:12:58.100
So it's I understand why I didn't get her right away.
00:12:58.740 --> 00:12:59.220
If that makes sense.
00:12:59.460 --> 00:13:03.779
Was it because you stated that you didn't want her, or because they were like, let's take a moment?
00:13:04.259 --> 00:13:07.460
I think it was more let's take a moment, we let's get her cleaned off.
00:13:08.340 --> 00:13:10.019
And Brandon was he was there.
00:13:10.259 --> 00:13:10.580
Yeah.
00:13:10.740 --> 00:13:14.179
You know, and then they had to stitch me up in the afterbirth and all that stuff.
00:13:14.259 --> 00:13:19.700
So I've definitely worked in places where there was still that, I don't even know what to call it.
00:13:19.779 --> 00:13:26.419
Like I want to say patriarchal, but maybe not, but almost like talking down to moms and telling them what they want and what they need.
00:13:26.659 --> 00:13:30.980
I feel like I've worked in places where that was the standard for a long time.
00:13:31.299 --> 00:13:35.779
And I don't know if the culture is shifting yet, but I'm trying to help it shift.
00:13:36.019 --> 00:13:36.659
Right.
00:13:37.379 --> 00:13:39.860
Like you, when you know better, you do better.
00:13:39.940 --> 00:14:05.059
And I feel like I have consciously tried to remove that type of communication from my standard practice and asked moms what they wanted because I don't know that we really had a handle on what kind of negative emotions linger after we do things like that where we say, I'm gonna take your baby and I'm going to clean your baby up.
00:14:05.299 --> 00:14:10.580
Even if that's kind of part of what you wanted, still that you weren't asked, right.
00:14:10.820 --> 00:14:12.100
Still feels out of control.
00:14:12.340 --> 00:14:13.460
Yeah, I can see that.
00:14:13.620 --> 00:14:15.779
I mean, I didn't want to hold a poopy baby.
00:14:15.940 --> 00:14:16.500
Right.
00:14:16.820 --> 00:14:21.220
But I guess not having the option, even if I would have said, no, no, no, clean her up.
00:14:21.379 --> 00:14:24.259
But again, I was maybe they did ask me.
00:14:24.500 --> 00:14:25.940
I don't remember.
00:14:26.580 --> 00:14:31.220
And then there there might have been kind of a disappointment in yourself or not feeling able.
00:14:31.379 --> 00:14:31.779
Right.
00:14:32.019 --> 00:14:32.500
Yeah.
00:14:32.820 --> 00:14:33.860
I feel all of that.
00:14:34.100 --> 00:14:40.659
That happened when Kayla was born as well, because the doctor told me to reach down and take her, but she was floppy and blue.
00:14:40.740 --> 00:14:42.259
She just felt like a sack of jello.
00:14:42.740 --> 00:14:46.179
I was like, I can't hold this baby.
00:14:46.259 --> 00:14:48.820
Please take her to the team that's over there.
00:14:48.980 --> 00:14:52.340
And then I had all these emotions about like, why couldn't I hold my baby?
00:14:52.580 --> 00:14:57.059
And why didn't she ask me if I wanted to reach down and grab her?
00:14:57.139 --> 00:14:58.899
Because I didn't feel strong enough to do that.
00:14:59.059 --> 00:15:01.460
And then should I have been strong enough to do that?
00:15:01.539 --> 00:15:03.700
And all of those questions come up.
00:15:03.940 --> 00:15:12.580
And it's such an incredibly vulnerable moment when you're first meeting your child that it's so easy to feel like you've done something wrong.
00:15:12.740 --> 00:15:15.059
And that sticks with you for a long time.
00:15:15.139 --> 00:15:23.860
And it's not necessarily, I don't want to fault the medical community because we're still trying to figure out how to navigate that because everybody's gonna have different feelings.
00:15:23.940 --> 00:15:41.940
But I just want moms out there to know that it's okay to really work through that and forgive yourself for feeling not as strong as you wanted to in that moment and for reacting in the only way that you know how, because you really do need you really do need support in that moment.
00:15:42.019 --> 00:15:55.539
And if you're handing your baby off to someone because you don't feel capable, or if you don't want poop all over your body, you know, it's it's okay if it's okay to feel vulnerable and outside of your comfort zone.
00:15:55.779 --> 00:16:00.100
For you specifically, your comfort zone was having poop all over you, and that's completely understandable.
00:16:00.179 --> 00:16:00.899
That's gross.
00:16:01.059 --> 00:16:03.059
You already feel completely exposed.
00:16:03.220 --> 00:16:05.620
There's somebody down there sewing everything up.
00:16:06.019 --> 00:16:14.740
You're you've probably been naked and sweaty and all those things, and to have one more thing on top of you covered in poop was like, Come on.
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