Jennie Weill, BSN, RNC-OB

[00:00:00] Kelly: Hello. Today I have with me Jenny Weill. Jenny is a labor and delivery nurse and a mom of one. She is here to share her birth story with us. Welcome and thank you for joining

[00:00:11] Track 1: Thank you for having me. It's so fun. We've known each other for a while and

cool actually get to do this.

[00:00:18] Kelly: together

so I get to

your. story, but now everybody else so I'm super excited

let's 

[00:00:28] Track 1: So, I'd listened to Rachel's, earlier and I feel like I've fell into some similar, patterns where even though I'm a labor and delivery nurse and know certain things, You still turn into, which is a good thing into patient mode, mom mode where a lot of that stuff goes out the window

but I was very lucky and had an uncomplicated pregnancy. the only thing that I had to really consider was he was breach until 34 weeks. [00:01:00] So I actually originally had a c-section scheduled. and. Most of the time I was totally fine with that. I've obviously seen a million, and in most cases everything is totally fine in both vaginal and C-sections, so I felt pretty comfortable.

I've been with my doctor's practice since I was a teenager because I grew up here, so it didn't feel like. There were a lot of overwhelming or scary new things that I really had to think about. so I felt pretty comfortable whatever needed to be done. but also as a nurse, I was like, it would kind of be nice to at least experience labor a little bit just for the purpose of having that.

Enhance my relationship with patients, and I think it makes them trust you a little bit more if you. Been through it, even though everyone's experience is different. So I was fine with that. We had it scheduled, it was gonna be when I was exactly 40 weeks. and I ended up having an extra ultrasound at 34 weeks, which was really nice because [00:02:00] since it was during Covid, my husband hadn't been allowed to go to any of my appointments, and that was his first one.

So, She's doing the ultrasound and she's like, and that's his head and that it was low. And I was like, what ? And I think he had legitimately flipped in the last 48 hours, which was amazing. so that was exciting. But that was kind of, I was very lucky that that was sort of the only thing that I had to think about.

and then when I was 38 weeks and six days, actually it was the day after you and I attended , a conference in Baltimore together, , which I feel like a lot of us go into labor after working. so I follow that pattern. and I think it was 6:00 AM and. something abruptly woke me up, but I wouldn't necessarily say it was a pop.

And so I thought my underwear felt wet. I went to the bathroom and it was the tiniest amount that I was like, maybe he just kicked me and I peed a little . I feel like almost every pregnant person has wondered, [00:03:00] at least at some point, . and. So I kind of went about my day not thinking that anything was happening.

we had just bought a house, this was last June. and we had bought a house a year ago, last March, and we had to do a ton of work to it. To get it ready to be able to live so we were actually meeting our contractor that morning at nine and I had to get my car inspected in Maryland. So I was just in like, we gotta get stuff done mode.

and I, like I said, I was in denial that anything was happening, . so I drop off my car, go to the contractors, and I noticed that I'm irritable. , like more so than your normal, irritable, pregnant person in the morning. and I thought that was interesting and I'd also realized that my dog, who is definitely a clingy dog, don't get me wrong, but usually she is laying on the couch and somewhere that's sunny the, in the house and she sat under my chair at breakfast.

Which I thought was weird. And then when I started feeling irritable, I was like, maybe [00:04:00] something is happening. So we got home and I went to the bathroom and I noticed the exact same thing. There was like the tiniest amount of liquid fluid. And so I texted my doctor and said, I feel like there's a chance my water broke.

I'm not sure. I don't want to go into triage and be embarrassed, that I just peed myself and all my coworkers now have to know . So she said, yeah, just come into the office, which thankfully is attached to the hospital very conveniently. and I'll check you out. So I was like, do I have time to pack a bag?

And she said, of course. So I'm packing my bag and putting my leggings on and have a theatrical absolute explosion of amniotic fluid gushing down my legs all over the floor. and so, changed first, and texted her and said, my water's definitely broken . should I just go straight to the unit? So she checked in with the doctor that was on for my practice and let her know that [00:05:00] I'd be coming in.

And I told my husband who was so excited and buzzing about, Ready to go to the hospital while I was kind of dragging my feet because all I could think about was all the things that needed to get done that we didn't do.

[00:05:16] Kelly: I believe you also texted

[00:05:17] Track 1: Well, I was gonna say, so then I texted my friend Taylor, who I knew worked Fridays.

She, she works almost every Friday and it was a Friday and I was like, please tell me you're working today, . I think my water broke and. , she was triaged, so she said, come on in, I'll see you soon. and obviously at that point I was pretty confident that my water hadn't backed broken and I wasn't just continuing to pee myself.

so

[00:05:42] Kelly: and we all knew. We all knew by then

everybody 

[00:05:45] Track 1: it spreads quickly.

[00:05:48] Kelly: We

all 

[00:05:49] Track 1: So I love when I got there with a towel between my legs and was checking in at the desk. I like peeked around the corner and saw 10 nurses [00:06:00] looking at me like, we all knew you were coming. Hi . which is obviously so nice to see. very comforting. And so he put me on the monitor.

I was having a couple contractions, but nothing really happening. which just like a little bit of a bummer, but fine. I. Ready for a wild ride. always reassuring to see the heart rate tracing. obviously I watch those religiously and so it's always comforting when it's yours and everything looks okay, least at that moment.

and I had been closed in the office, so I was not optimistic, but. We're debating between Cytotec and Pitocin. and they ended up wanting to do Pitocin, and I was like, can we just check me first? And I was very relieved that I was one centimeter dilated and 70% a face. So they were able to strip my membranes, help things get going a little bit.

And then we start at Pitocin. At this point I'm now excited and like focused. the unit was slammed, so [00:07:00] similar to Rachel, there were no rooms ready and they got one room ready, . and thankfully with the timing, by the time that Pitocin kicked in, I, and I was getting really uncomfortable. I had been in the room probably half an hour, and I was always planning on getting an epidural.

but I just didn't know when to do it. And then suddenly it was very clear that I wanted it right now. so I called Taylor and said I wanted my epidural thankfully, I knew the anesthesiologist. again, just along the way, one of the most comforting things is seeing familiar faces. And even prior to my experience, I always think how hard that must be for patients to be somewhere completely new with people you don't know. Trusting life and the life the person you love the most. . so. Tried to be calming person in the most vulnerable, hopefully happy moment of their life. so I was very lucky to be surrounded by people I knew and a lot of support. and also it helped that this anesthesiologist in particular is known for doing very fast, very good epidurals.

So I was very [00:08:00] happy to see his face. He did it really quickly and I was comfortable super fast, which was really nice. I still had good movement, which I liked cuz I have anxiety and claustrophobia and I was definitely concerned that that would be a factor for so I was really happy that I could move and then at that point, They rechecked me and I was, I think three centimeters.

and it was probably like four o'clock and they had started the Pitocin I think at one. so I was pretty happy that even something was happening, then soon after that was change of shift and one of my close friends was coming in to take care of me that night, which was really special. and coincidentally, she was getting married three weeks later and she was having her last dress fitting that morning when.

I first got to the hospital and I was supposed to go with her and I called her and I was like, I'm so sorry. I think my water broke. And when you're done driving on your, can you come to the hospital to take care of [00:09:00] me. so that was

[00:09:01] Kelly: I think one of us was working for her that day too. I think it might have been me. I know at some point I

covered for

something for the wedding

[00:09:09] Track 1: Definitely possible.

[00:09:11] Kelly: But it was such a crazy day. I don't even honestly, remember just popping in and saying hi, and

that 

[00:09:16] Track 1: Yeah. Actually that reminds me, this is not important at all, but Most of the time, once you're on Pitocin and your or, and or your water is broken, they don't let you eat. And I hadn't eaten since the morning and I was really hungry and we had ordered pizza for the staff because we knew that they were slammed.

I would've done it anyway. But, it was actually essential for them, get through their day and. The doctor, told me I could have a piece of pizza before my epidural, which was the best gift ever, in labor. but anyway, yeah. So then, my friend Annie came in for me and at change of shift at about seven o'clock, I was five centimeters.

so. Definitely happy with that progress, but my tracing at that point was not looking [00:10:00] as spectacular. so I was of course hoping to be further, but, again, progresses progress. so Annie was just flip flopping me with a peanut ball. I tried to rest, but my adrenaline was pumping too strongly and I was just too excited.

and then a few hours later, I was laying on my side and I could hear the monitor go lower, and slower. And until that point, I had been really trying to avoid looking at it because I knew if I was looking at I would be obsessing over it.

And I trust my coworkers and knew that they. Have my and my baby's, best interest, and wellbeing at heart. So I relinquished that, anxiety, but hearing it go low is a little different than watching it a few hours. so of course, Couple people came into the room very quickly, and his heart rate was down for six minutes, I think.

and they rechecked me and I was only six. I was super bummed cuz I was obviously hoping that at that point [00:11:00] it was because I was maybe close to dilated. he had come down a lot and he was, his head was still really high. so they turned off the Pitocin at that point. and gave me a little break and then they were gonna restart it.

But I guess my own endogenous oxytocin kicked in at that point. Cause I started contracting a lot more frequently, so she didn't have to turn that back on. and then at 11 something, happened again, but this time it was for 11 minutes in the fifties. And. I think I just went into this fight, flight, or freeze mode.

I went into the freeze mode where I just kind of had to compartmentalize and I couldn't really talk or do anything. I just moved in whatever way they told me to. and. Actually, it's kind of funny. but we have a new emergency system and One of the things that Kelly and I work on together is an OB stat team and, drills [00:12:00] related to our obs stat policy, which is basically to help in, urgent and emergent situations related to obstetrics.

and so we have panels and rapid response panels on the wall, and they added an OP stat is very useful and I've pushed many times. love my button. So, During this second one, since it was lower and starting to last a while, Annie only has two hands, so she actually asked my husband to please push the stat button , which he did.

and then at that point there were probably, mean at least 10 people in the room. and they checked me and thankfully I was fully dilated. So the doctor who was on. At night was not the same one who was there during the day, but I have known him for a long time he's never taken care of me, but he delivered, several of my friend's kids.

One of my friends has three kids. I think the oldest is like nine. So I have trusted him and felt comfortable with him. and he was really, really wonderful and patient with me. cuz I had said to him the whole time, if there's an emergency, [00:13:00] I want a C-section. I just wanna get it over with I don't want any like question of if I had done this differently, would things have come out differently?

But in that moment when I was completely dilated and I was terrified that his heart had been down for that long, I kind of froze he offered to do forceps or C-section and he said, I know you know what's going on. It's completely up to you. I think I can get him out with forceps, but if you don't want that, we'll go straight to the or.

And at first I was saying, or and I turned to Annie who had been our OR nurse. and I was. , what would you do? And she said, let's just get 'em out. Just do forceps. And I was like, okay, we're doing this. unfortunately at that point I was completely numb, which freaked me out. so he got the forceps ready, we had the neonatal team in the room, and my son's heart rate went back up.

Like the sweet, wonderful little boy he is . so they kept everything on the table. sent everybody out, let me labor down for about 20 [00:14:00] minutes. and he was gonna come back and check me. and I think she had turned down or off the epidural. Point. and I was very thankful because when I was laboring down, I could feel I had a window on my right, lower side in the front.

So I actually never had pressure. so I was in disbelief actually when they told me I was dilated during his deceleration because I couldn't feel anything. So I was relieved when I could feel something because I felt like if I'm pushing and his heart rate goes down again, it'll be easier for me to know if I'm pushing well and to push in the right place if I can feel something, I'd rather feel some pain and use that pain than feel nothing and not be productive.

So I just kind breathed through it and tried to find comfort in that I was feeling things, and feeling connected with my body with what they were telling me was going on. so I think he was gonna come back in 30 minutes and at like 20 minutes or 25 minutes.[00:15:00] I think maybe he was having some other heart rate changes that indicated he had come down.

And so I said, Annie, will you check me just to see beforehand so we can avoid forceps in case he's still on the higher side? and she couldn't even stick her finger in do a vaginal exam. She was like, um, he's right which again, I was kind of Complete disbelief because I couldn't feel that.

but at least I knew when contractions were happening so I could use them. so she called him and he came back and thankfully it was just, my husband, my doctor, My nurse and our charge nurse who is gonna be the second nurse and she's been there forever, and does a lot of educational activities.

So I was really excited to have her be the second nurse. and we did a practice push on my side just in case his heart rate went down again and they said, stop. Don't push anymore, . So then I flipped on my back and we started pushing again and I was very lucky. I push. Three more contractions. and I think he tried to [00:16:00] have me slow down while I was crowning.

but my son just flew out like a football. and I think part of his issue was he had a little hand up by his face, so I don't know if he was just in there like squeezing the cord, giving us a hard time, and me a heart attack. but I think that was why he also wasn't lowering in my pelvis, even though I was dilating.

so he flew out and they put him on my chest and I couldn't believe that this human came out of me and that this is the person that I've been feeling kicking whose heartbeat I've heard a million times. I burst into tears and it. the most magical moment. and I couldn't believe that I got to have a vaginal delivery.

It just felt like I was originally scheduled for a c-section and then I thought I wasn't dilated when my water broke. And I was like, this is gonna take five days and then I'm gonna end up with a c-section. and then with this heart rate stuff, I was just in shock and, immensely grateful for my coworkers.

 For, my baby's heart rate going back up, and him [00:17:00] coming out and crying. And that was just the best sound ever in seeing his face was the best thing ever. and it's a moment you never forget. 

[00:17:07] Kelly: Yeah, the ugly cry

is real

There's just nothing

[00:17:12] Track 1: yeah. it instantaneous. It's like he's on your chest. Okay. Stop

[00:17:15] Kelly: Right. . Nobody take

Yeah. And then of course my husband did. Did you get, did you get ugly

[00:17:23] Track 1: yes, but I actually like them because somehow smiling at the same time. or maybe, so Annie actually also is a photographer. so she had brought her a fancy camera gear. so maybe she deleted a lot of pictures and just sent me the good ones. but I was lucky also a lot of them were in black and white and I think that that was very smart and intentional, and, gracious of her 

[00:17:47] Kelly: Mm-hmm 

[00:17:48] Track 1: my appearance sake.

I actually gained feeling back in my legs pretty quickly, which I was again, grateful for because I was afraid that since I had been so numb that it would be a long time till I could walk. [00:18:00] And, I do have a history of, bladder issues and so I was of anticipating having urinary retention and needing to be catheterized a lot.

and my feeling came back and I was able to get up to go to the bathroom and. , I ordered food and I just couldn't believe how everything was falling into place. and what a journey you go on to get to this moment. and of course he was born just after midnight and now it's like three in the morning or something.

When I'm going up to postpartum, I still have adrenaline and was like, I'm just gonna stare at him. There's no way I'm going to sleep. and. I think overall, I mean, I was incredibly lucky for a healthy pregnancy. I was incredibly lucky for a safe delivery and I felt very lucky with my recovery as well.

since I delivered just after midnight and you get two midnights in the hospital, I kind of got a bonus day. they gave me the option and that was really nice. So I got to go home [00:19:00] on a Monday morning. and by then I was really ready to go home. and I think that feeling with all the chaos and nerves of having a newborn, it was a really good feeling to feel ready to go home and just be a family.

[00:19:12] Kelly: What was postpartum like? Was there anything shocking or was there anything that was harder than you expected it to?

[00:19:18] Track 1: while I was pregnant, I felt there's so much planning that you have to do and I felt like so much is out of your control and you just don't know what type of baby you're gonna get. You don't know what type of recovery you're gonna get. So I sort of, I'm very grateful that I did this.

because of my history of anxiety, I was concerned about having postpartum anxiety being an issue. and I think that during pregnancy I really had the mindset of you don't know what's gonna happen, so might as well just prepare for the things you can control and. , just try and get support for curve balls that come your way.

and thankfully I had a very good support system, so I knew sleep was gonna [00:20:00] be , variable, and I knew that recovery would be painful. but in general, I feel after deliveries, providers will say You're gonna be a little bit sore tomorrow. And I don't think that sore quite covers it the same way that cramping doesn't describe contractions. , in my opinion, contractions are crushing and what you feel after delivery is not a little bit of soreness.

But despite that, as long as I was staying on top of Ibuprofen and Tylenol, I was very pleasantly surprised by what I was able to do and wanted to do. I have a picture of, my son in the bassinet stroller, at a restaurant I think. Within 48 hours from being home from the hospital. And it is three quarters of a mile from where we were living at the time.

And I had walked there because I couldn't believe how good I felt. And I was like, I'm just gonna do it. And then of course, [00:21:00] once I got there I was really tired, and wish that I had not done that. But that's just to say that, I felt a lot better than I thought I would, and I probably pushed myself. I think that's like the one thing that I will do differently next time and that I would tell people, other people is, don't push yourself.

Give yourself that time that allotted to actually recover. and it's, great if you're feeling better than you thought you were. , on the inside your body is still healing and you need to honor that. and feel like I relearned that lesson multiple times. but now looking back on it almost a year ago, I will definitely carry that advice with me next time.

And, you know, when just talking to friends about things that surprise me or that I would recommend, 

[00:21:45] Kelly: It's definitely, it's more important with the second delivery.

[00:21:48] Track 1: Yeah, I believe

[00:21:48] Kelly: You can push your limits with the first, but the second one, I just found like I was okay with just hanging out, holding my like for

eight hours 

[00:21:57] Track 1: Also, cuz you another one who's [00:22:00] likely a toddler at that point. , that's a whole different level of exhaustion. . 

[00:22:08] Kelly: baby Yeah 

[00:22:09] Track 1: and I think I also. . I mean, my pregnancy was normal and healthy, like I said, but I felt crappy my entire pregnancy. And so once I delivered and felt good, I just was so excited to be feeling normal again. That wanted to do 

[00:22:25] Kelly: you delivered in

the summer 

[00:22:27] Track 1: it's

[00:22:27] Kelly: so then like there's that urge to get outside and do all the things and now you feel like you're and if you are living someplace walkable, I mean, I was in New York with my first, and we would, we We , I did the same thing. I went to a restaurant that was at least three quarters of a mile away

[00:22:42] Track 1: Yeah, 

[00:22:44] Kelly: like within, it had to have been 48 hours.

I have

And then, and then I was

[00:22:50] Track 1: Yep, that sounds right.

[00:22:51] Kelly: so it's one those like live and learn things. It's good to tell people, but sometimes it's just like you get that burst of adrenaline and you suddenly feel good and you're like, oh [00:23:00] yeah, do this then you're like, oh, I can't

[00:23:01] Track 1: Yep,

[00:23:02] Kelly: So, Once, your baby was ready to come out, there wasn't a whole lot of pushing that you had to do, it? Did it relatively easy for you when you pushed or

[00:23:11] Track 1: Yes, I feel almost guilty saying that, because that doesn't happen very frequently and I still can't really believe that that happened. , 

[00:23:21] Kelly: Mm-hmm 

[00:23:22] Track 1: but he was a little guy. He was six pounds, two ounces. And like I said, I think his hand was in the way for a while and that's why he wasn't in a great position to come down into my pelvis.

And so I think once he, rotated a little bit, I think that he just flew out. I think I was at that point, I, my body was, having really strong contractions on their own. And once he got really low, I, and he was little. I was lucky. I was in complete disbelief about it. When they me to stop pushing, I was like, wait, no.

Cause they only say that when you're pushing Well, and he's about to come out

[00:23:55] Kelly: Mm-hmm.

you did say that you would tell yourself to. know, rest [00:24:00] Is there anything you would tell yourself if you could go back to the beginning, that you would tell yourself about, the whole pregnancy journey?

[00:24:06] Track 1: I think because, , I'm a labor and delivery nurse, and obviously it's a job that mostly brings really joyous, beautiful moments. but when they're sad, they're devastating. And I carry that anxiety with me for sure, and just kept waiting for something to go wrong. it didn't really occur to me until after he was born that everything might just be okay.

and most of the time it is okay. And I think I probably would've saved myself some fretting maybe I had just reminded myself that most of the time everything is okay. if something comes you'll handle it. Then just like you have to when you have a child and. , you think you finally have a handle on things and then they decide to wake up every hour in the middle of the night. Again,

[00:24:53] Kelly: Pretty much. Yeah. But then realistically, are you ever gonna be able to do that? Because I sure

couldn't 

[00:24:59] Track 1: no, it's [00:25:00] true. It's really hard. it is really hard. I think that it's more that, think there were moments that I just wish I had celebrated more instead. Sort of in my heart being like, but you know, this could happen, so I shouldn't 

[00:25:15] Kelly: jinxing yourself when you

[00:25:17] Track 1: Yes, exactly.

[00:25:18] Kelly: That's the nurse curse. That's probably part of the problem. It didn't help that. It was during we had lot a lot of things

going on

that don't normally happen but there was a lot of anxiety provoking things that have happened in

[00:25:30] Track 1: yeah, for sure.

[00:25:32] Kelly: makes it really hard.

Did you go on any medication for anxiety

[00:25:35] Track 1: most of my adult life. . 

I've been on medication. I've tried a few different ones and I've now been on the same one for I think seven years, and my doctor had actually said I was going to therapy for a long time.

I went weekly and then I went, every other week. 

and then I went to monthly, I think. and at some point she said, it seems like [00:26:00] you've been really stable and you have put a lot of good support systems and coping mechanisms in place. if you wanted to try to go off medication, I think you are a good candidate too.

And this was. the summer before we got married, and I knew that after we got married we would start trying. And I just thought that seems like a lot of unknown coming up and potential stress to go off of my medication and throw that into the mix. so just had a conversation about how the medication that I was on was fine to be on, to continue on. and so I stayed on and really glad that I did. Thankfully that did not become an issue for me. I was thankfully, very stable mentally.

[00:26:43] Kelly: So you didn't have any changes

to your medication or after

Good. Did you notice any differences in the manifestation of your anxiety during pregnancy or afterwards, 

[00:26:52] Track 1: when I did have anxiety postpartum, it was definitely sort of classic examples of, if I do this, will this [00:27:00] terrible thing happen? Or like, every time I go down the stairs, am I gonna drop the baby? you know, whenever something new comes up, if it's even mildly concerning. it was a lot easier for me to sort go down a rabbit hole of what ifs.

and I would really have to consciously stop myself, in a way that did not have to. since it had been under control. and I had a very helpful session with my therapist, cuz I had before, I think when I was like 37 weeks. at that point I was seeing her other month I think. And I said, I would like to have a session scheduled for three weeks postpartum, just to be sure.

and I'm really glad that I did, because I remember telling her about this and she said, you know, you're responsible for a human now and you love this human more than anything. So of course you're gonna worry about whether you're taking good care him thinking about things that you have to worry about that you didn't have to worry about before [00:28:00] is normal as long as you're not acting on them or changing what you do. So if you told me that now you don't go up and down the stairs carrying your child and you make somebody else, then I would be concerned.

But just those fears is normal and they will most likely get better. And thankfully they did. I will say though, there was one period of time, I think my son was three months or two months, and his head circumference had gone up 40. 40 percentiles. and so they wanted to do an ultrasound just to make sure that there was nothing going on.

And I definitely had a moment where I was like, is this, because I didn't get him out sooner when he was having dips in his heart rate. I just, was so easy for me to go back to a decision that I was making, instead. Thinking, they're just being cautious. This is a thing the men in my husband's family have big heads, so [00:29:00] he probably just has a big head

so I think that was the only time that, actually affected the way I was thinking. And thankfully it ended up being everything was normal.

[00:29:10] Kelly: but it sounds you've worked enough on how to cope with the anxiety and how to work through it, that when those thoughts did come up, you were able to catch what's going on, recognize it, and move forward. Whereas I feel like I didn't. didn't recognize the anxiety for what it was.

I just thought it was normal because I thought it was, you know, if it's something you can kind of trick yourself into believing that you're

in control of

then you know, like you said, oh well somebody else can take them up and down the stairs. That feels like control and that feels like sometimes a logical step if you haven't been given those tools to

[00:29:44] Track 1: Yeah, yeah,

[00:29:45] Kelly: So I'm glad that you had that. And cuz I, and I just wanna reiterate because I know a lot of women don't recognize it, just like I didn't recognize it. And I that say

[00:29:54] Track 1: yeah. I was definitely very conscious of what my triggers [00:30:00] were, before. Pregnancy and then, thinking about in postpartum and having a newborn, how those might be translated and, you know, fall down a similar path, but just look a little bit different. so I was very lucky that I had done a lot of work on that beforehand to be able to make connection after.

[00:30:20] Kelly: Yeah. And if for women that aren't on anything, any medication, or haven't gone through therapy, those are things that can really, really help. I think not everybody understands what the medication and the therapy does. It's kind of a mystery for people that haven't done it before. And so literally it's just, it's. to kind of dial down those thoughts in those anxieties in the medication, and then the skills to work through it, recognize what it is and work through it that's so important. Doesn't make you crazy. the coping skills that we all have to learn to work that we can feel normal

[00:30:51] Track 1: Yeah.

[00:30:52] Kelly: So we haven't mentioned this yet, but you are

and so there was a lot that you didn't know about your history Was there anything that you did differently, like [00:31:00] testing or anything like that to find out

[00:31:03] Track 1: Yes. 

at the beginning when they give you all the options for what genetic testing they want done, I had pretty much everything done. just because I had so little information and. I'm not able to recall it at this moment. even though it felt like a huge thing at the time, there was also a potential genetic thing in my husband's family. And, so I was already conscious of that. And I think the not knowing with my own history, felt very scary. and I'm someone that like, , sort of all the information in order to make decisions and so I was fortunate that I was able to get several panels done.

[00:31:43] Kelly: Yeah. Even though all my information, it was

[00:31:47] Track 1: Yeah. 

[00:31:47] Kelly: me

the same way 

[00:31:48] Track 1: There's so little you can control and if, and knowledge is one thing you can control, and having that knowledge felt empowering to.

[00:31:56] Kelly: Yeah. So mean, as labor delivery nurse, you kind of know [00:32:00] what to expect in the postpartum, but what other additional support did you put in place for yourself to help you through that postpartum period?

Other check-ins with your therapist, who was there to help you?

[00:32:09] Track 1: I'm lucky to have a very supportive partner. he had, I think he was given three weeks off, and so he used Out the gate and then saved one for a family vacation later in the summer. which was nice cuz then that also gave me a break, 

later in the summer. But the biggest things is we both grew up here, so both of our families are here. our parents are here and then a lot of his extended family lives here. So, and actually at the time that my son was born, we were actually living with my parents because, were doing construction on our house. having them. Not just nearby, but in the house.

And having his family, a 20 minute drive was really comforting. I did have a hard time sometimes asking for the help because I was so [00:33:00] eager and excited to do everything that it didn't really occur to me that that doesn't mean I have to do everything just because. Want to, it's still important for me to take breaks because eventually you both get burned out from doing everything.

and I've heard, you know, many other people say that. so just to take advantage if you are lucky to have that support, to take advantage of it. because a lot of the times people wanna help, they just don't know how.

[00:33:23] Kelly: Yeah. I just was talking to somebody about how we need to make like a list of. To ask it's hard. It's hard for somebody that is used to taking charge and doing all the things that wants to do all the things, to take the step back and kind of say, okay, I would really like it if you do It was hard for me to even be able to put it into words, what I could 

[00:33:41] Track 1: Yeah.

And the other thing I think is, having. Friends that either recently had kids or that are currently pregnant, just to sort bounce off ideas for, you know, I've tried this. Do you have any suggestions or, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing with this, or, I'm having a hard [00:34:00] day.

and just knowing that they were there recently or, or in it now is really comforting. It makes you feel less alone because so many things about becoming a parent make you feel lonely, which is such an odd. , concept because you're adding a human to your life that's with you constantly. But it can be such an isolating experience.

Hopefully it's not. but I think that just regularly being in touch with people that have also through it recently or are currently going through it is very comforting.

[00:34:31] Kelly: Yeah. Did you think of the other thing you wanna

say 

[00:34:34] Track 1: No, that always happens to me. That is one thing nuts is I used to have such a good memory. Like I could tell you what certain friends were wearing the first time I met them 20 years ago.

[00:34:47] Kelly: mom brain is real 

[00:34:49] Track 1: unbelievable. And I thought that I was gonna get it back and I didn't, and I'm resentful.

[00:34:54] Kelly: well, you're using so much more of your brain for the human that you're responsible [00:35:00] It's just like you have to dump certain and I've just kind of gotten to the point where I'm uncomfortable being uncomfortable and not going and living in the chaos.

Oh, I was supposed to do that. Okay, I'll now. Oh, that didn't work out. Okay. Guess plan B and just having all the different possibilities of things to do. In case things just don't work out or I've dropped for the 

[00:35:24] Track 1: be

I guess the only other thing that I would wanna say about anyone who has a history of mental health issues and is, concerned about it or who has an onset of mental health issues during pregnancy or postpartum is, there is always somewhere. and sometimes the first place to start is your obstetrician.

They might have resources for you that you wouldn't have thought of yourself, or that you couldn't find on Google. and you just have to ask for it. And obviously that's a very hard step to make when [00:36:00] you're in the thick of it. but I just always encourage people to reach out to a trusted person and.

At least just say that you're having a hard time because you don't have to be so alone in your thinking. and I just don't, wouldn't want anyone to feel that way.

[00:36:17] Kelly: Right. And I, I think a lot of the tricky things are they do tell you that if you don't feel take care of yourself or your baby, stuff like that. I never experienced that. I experienced that. I didn't feel like myself. And that is so, it's such a nuanced feeling. It doesn't feel doesn't feel like anxiety. And then having thoughts that I was able to rationalize as being normal because they were thoughts that. , quote unquote, helping me take care of my baby or keep my baby safe, but they were getting in the way of doing

other things

So, and I had heard of the term intrusive thoughts before, but I didn't recognize that they could be

[00:36:53] Track 1: Mm-hmm.

[00:36:54] Kelly: you know, is what if I drop my baby when I'm going down the stairs?

If that is something that's constantly happening, it's [00:37:00] constantly coming into your head. That's something you need to sit with and work through, and you need to tell yourself, okay, well I'm going to hold on. I'm going to walk carefully the things that you can control, but don't make it completely, uproot your

life

And if it's too much, if it's creating too much anxiety, then reach out and see either medication to like just dial down the intensity and or the therapeutic that can help you work

[00:37:23] Track 1: Yeah, 

a lot of my reflection was on patterns. Like, this, is this new thought, scary? Even if it's not, is it a thought that I have a lot? 

[00:37:32] Kelly: Mm-hmm 

[00:37:33] Track 1: if it's something that I've realized that there's a pattern to, or that I've thought more than a few times, I start to try to practice mindfulness and just be aware of it so if it happens again, the next time that it happens, I'm trying to think about, is this concerning or not? And, or would I be concerned if a friend told me this? and I think sometimes [00:38:00] recognizing a new pattern is easier than being like, this is a concerning thing that you're doing or feeling.

[00:38:07] Kelly: Yeah. It's, it's more benign and it's more objective, and it doesn't have to be concerning. It can be it can be something that just, you know, doesn't serve you. It doesn't serve you to constantly have something in your head that you can't really control.

[00:38:21] Track 1: Yeah,

[00:38:21] Kelly: make room in your brain for

[00:38:23] Track 1: for sure.

I think that the other really hard thing is if you have expectations and they don't happen that way, that can be really hard to deal with. Whether that's something that happens in your pregnancy, that happens during delivery or postpartum, 

[00:38:39] Kelly: Mm-hmm 

[00:38:40] Track 1: I had a feeling that breastfeeding would be. Very triggering for me, and I couldn't fully identify why. I think just when I would hear friends talk about it you know, people in general share about it, it sounded overwhelming to me. It didn't sound [00:39:00] like the beautiful bonding experience. . I know a lot of people do feel it only sounded overwhelming to me.

So I had it in my mind that we were most likely going to combo formula and, that I was gonna pump. ended not working. and we ended up exclusively formula feeding, I still. Feel, it's not shame, but I still am conscious of my audience whenever I share that, and I think that that just touches on how.

if you feel like there is a societal expectation of you and maybe that's affected your own expectations of yourself, and it doesn't go that way, that it can be really hard to get over that and through that. and are gonna be a million times that you were presented that in your pregnancy experience and postpartum experience.

and so. I think I would just wanna say to be [00:40:00] kind to yourself and give yourself some grace. and it's great if you're aware of your triggers. Obviously not everyone is. and I was surprised that. That was triggering, even though I was aware it might be.

[00:40:15] Kelly: Mm-hmm.

[00:40:16] Track 1: but I think that expectation versus reality is something that's really hard to deal with.

[00:40:21] Kelly: it is, it causes a lot of

[00:40:22] Track 1: Yeah. So, and I, I think that that's why sharing your birth is so important or experience becoming a parent is so important because, , it helps you reflect on, again, kind of like patterns. And if you're able to identify those, it's a lot easier to develop coping skills around that. 

[00:40:43] Kelly: I think the only, correct response to somebody sharing the way that they fed their baby is Congratulations, you fed your baby.

[00:40:48] Track 1: right?

[00:40:49] Kelly: want everybody out there to hear that because literally there's, you're, there's no space for your opinion on it,

[00:40:54] Track 1: Yeah.

[00:40:55] Kelly: unless the baby was starved, but the baby

was not starved the baby

fed, The only correct [00:41:00] response responses. Congratulations, you fed your 

job 

[00:41:03] Track 1: Yeah. 

[00:41:03] Kelly: well, Jenny, thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad we got to

[00:41:07] Track 1: Yes. Thank you for having me and I appreciate the opportunity to share my story this far out because it feels both vivid and like it was forever go. So it's always fun to retell that and relive that. special moment.

[00:41:23] Kelly: have it recorded for baby

[00:41:24] Track 1: Yeah. I don't know that he's gonna want to, but it's an option.

[00:41:28] Kelly: If you have 

[00:41:28] Track 1: but if it helps anybody have a better experience, then that's my goal.

[00:41:33] Kelly: Yeah, definitely. 

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