Jenna Hodge on Navigating the Unpredictable Journey of Motherhood

0:01 Hello, today I have with me Jenna Hodge. Jenna is the mother of three. She is a coach that works with moms on all things motherhood, including self-care and care of the little ones, relationships, time management and physical and mental health. You can read her blog at PurposeIntendedcom and you can connect with her there. Jenna, welcome, thank you so much for joining me. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to hear your birth story. I heard a little bit about it when we were talking earlier, but, oh, those details, I can't wait to hear them, so I'm going to let you go ahead and get started, okay. Well, I have three, so three very different births.

0:41 The first one is what determined how my other two went, and not necessarily in a good way, but that's okay, it was a learning experience. So for my first, I was 41 weeks when I chose to get induced because I was done and I wanted him out of there. I was doing all the things and he was not coming. And my midwife asked you want to get induced? And I was like sure, absolutely, why would I not want him to come sooner, not knowing what that really meant. So my induction was with Potosin. I know there's different ways to get induced and all morning nothing really happened. As they gave me Potosin, like I wasn't really progressing.

1:22 I was like this is it. I was kind of waiting for things to get intense or be painful and I was like I don't feel anything. So they kept upping it and upping it and upping it and then, like around lunchtime, my midwife came in. She was like well, you want me to break your water and then I can come check you in a few hours. And I was like sure, this is my first time. I don't know how any of this is going to go. I don't know any of this really means until a minute. Such a weird sensation, by the way, when you get your water broken and she's like I'll be back in a few hours to see how you're doing. So that's what I expected. Nothing's really going to happen in a few hours Probably like five minutes maybe go by not long at all and I start getting intense contractions so pretty quickly.

2:04 In addition to my, potosin is already a pretty high dose at this point. So now I am getting real contractions on top of what Potosin is is like synthetic ones. So it was very painful. My goal was to not have an epidural, but I wasn't like super hard set in stone on it. I was just like, yeah, I'll see how far I can go. Why not at least try without it, and then if I need it, I'll get it. Needles don't really bother me. So I wasn't like super opposed to it. But I also was extremely ignorant and uneducated on a lot of this stuff and part of it. I chose to do that because I know myself and I feel like the more I know, the more I might freak myself out for no reason, and I knew birth can vary so much from person to person that in any core stories or things people tell me may not necessarily be true for me, so I wanted to experience it for myself.

2:50 Now there's some things I wish I'd known ahead of time. So I was basically in constant pain, the way that you're supposed to get for contractions. I never got the subsiding part in between the waves. There was no break. So I went from like zero to 100 pretty quick. I didn't ease into labor. I didn't you know like start with the cramping and all that. It was just like boom, boom contraction on top of each other and I tried really hard to go as long as I could without it and I got to apply. I was like I can't, I'm not going to keep going because I know it's only going to get worse. So I asked for an epidural and I got one and I didn't expect to get like really bad shakes from it. That was a very weird feeling. I was chattering but I wasn't cold, but I couldn't control my body. At this point, obviously I've got the real labor starting and the uptose is really high.

3:33 So I still feel stuff, but I'm not like super amount of pain, but I'm not feeling great either, like some people have epidurals and it's like bliss. That was not my case. I also didn't know that when you get epidural you have to have a catheter, and when I put that in I told the nurse that it burned. She's kind of pushed me aside and like, yeah, don't go away, it'll subside, just be patient. And so I'm like, okay, obviously this is my first time, I don't know anything, so I wait a little bit. And meanwhile all this stuff's going on like my body's feeling weird. I'm a lightweight when it comes to like any kind of medication or side effects of anything. So I've my body just was like what is this? So I feel everything this keeps hurting, but no one's really like listening to me about it.

4:18 And then I also get into this state of I felt really drugged up, but not in a good way. I'm out of it. I could see people coming in and out, but it was like I didn't feel like they're fully. Yeah, it was just like a foggy feeling. You watch and everybody else do things around you and to you and your, but your brain's not able to process it fast enough. And then I remember when I got to like the pushing part I cause I couldn't feel what I needed to feel, but I could feel some other things. I couldn't breathe. I got to a point where I was like pushing but nothing was progressing and they needed oxygen. I feel like I couldn't catch my breath. It was very discouraging. I was coherent enough to tell that things weren't going the way they should as I was pushing, like I could tell on their faces.

5:03 I could feel enough in my body like this doesn't feel right. I don't feel like he's coming out, but I'm doing all this work but nothing to show for essentially, and then I'm getting exhausted, I can't breathe. So that just goes on for a while and it was a total of 45 minutes, which I know for some people. For the first that's not that long. Some that may sound long, I don't know, but this is a whole day. So I got there like six, seven AM. He was born at six 30 PM, so 12 hour day of all this. And when he did finally come out, I feel like she always had to pull him out because I think my body was so exhausted at that point. He didn't cry immediately and he was blue and no one like said anything.

5:43 But, like I said, I was still coherent enough to to sense something was wrong and in my head, but I wasn't freaking out. In my head I was like he's not crying and it was like slow motion, like my brain was trying to process but my emotions weren't catching up, because I feel like if I ever go to the worst case scenario, that I'm really going to fall apart. So I don't let my brain go there, I just kind of freeze and wait till something happens. So he's like he's not crying, he's not crying, they're looking weird, something's wrong. Okay, it was just like a. There was no emotion going on in my body, just my brain processing what's going on around me. While a flat on my back I mean flat I don't feel like that was good at all to really make any progress with the pushing part.

6:23 That could have. That could have been done differently Now I'll come back on it Also with my breathing as well. Can't breathe when you're flat on your back in your nine months pregnant, duh. But he was fine. He did cry. Long story short, he was in the birth canal for a very long time, so his head was very cone shaped, but he was okay. And I remember they told me I tore pretty bad and I don't think I felt the actual tearing part because I had the epidural. But I felt the tugging of the stitches and I think she stitched me up at least 60, 70 plus and they stopped counting because it took so long and there were so many stitches. It was a third degree tear but it was pretty bad. I was there for a while laying there getting stitched up and then they make you get up and go pee before you can go to the recovery room and when I stood up, like walk to the bathroom, I was put down and I hadn't seen so much blood in one spot my entire life.

7:16 Like blood doesn't bother me, but it just surprised me how much blood there was, like oh, wow, it's all coming out of me and it took forever for me to pee because of the cold catheter thing. I'm pushing for so long. Like I was so small and I've never felt like that before. I was very discouraged just sitting there. The nurse was so kind but I was like I'm sorry, I'm trying, I can't feel anything and I want to keep moving this process along. I want to be done with this, I want to heal. But she was so patient and so kind. I feel like any mom who's given birth never forgets their nurses, because I feel like they do a lot more for you than the actual doctor or midwives in my opinion. But she was very helpful and just the things that they do in a very vulnerable moment for you is really special, which I know. That's what you do, but that took forever for me to just pee and then I finally got back on the bed and in a wheelchair and everything and I was so swollen and so puffy and so out of it I couldn't do my legs.

8:07 They felt like dead weight because of the epidural. And, long story short, a few days later, after we were home so I'm a few days postpartum I developed a very high fever and was laying on the bathroom floor shaking from the fever. It was so high and so we went to the ER and found out that that catheter had almost given me a kidney infection. I was on my way to getting a kidney infection because it was never treated. Catheters can give you UTIs. For those of you that don't know, I did not know that. Very painful. I also had torn. Some of my stitches had to get restitched. I couldn't sit for weeks, months. It was awful had the little donut pillow. Didn't even know till later on that. That actually makes it worse when you sit on those, because it just stretches and pulls them apart.

8:48 It's really, really fun. Add in all the swelling and all that and the high fever and then I think oh, I also got my stylus pretty early on as well. This is all within a few weeks. So you know, another fever, aches, pains. I didn't really understand how to breastfeed, so latching and all that. I mean. Every time he would latch or cry some pain, tears would just start streaming. So I was that's kind of how the beginning of my first birth and all that went, which is what led me to my second two. I actually I normally don't interrupt, but I do have a couple of questions about that birth because I want to kind of try to clarify for moms that haven't gone through experience why some of those things might have happened. I'm only this is speculation, so I want to. That's why I want to ask questions.

9:29 Because the first thing you did mention is that pitocin is synthetic. The one that we're giving you is a synthetic hormone and you were at a high dose. They broke your water, which will increase the what we call prostaglanins. That kind of have this feedback loop that put you into labor. So your body kicked into labor. But also the pitocin was causing labor. So sometimes and I'm not sure what the clinical thought process was at this point Sometimes, if you're contracting back to back, like you said, and feeling like you're not getting much relief from those contractions or you're not getting the time where your uterus can rest in between, which is ideally 60 seconds, we'll back off a little bit on the pitocin until we get into that good pattern.

10:12 But also, at the same time you were saying you're getting your epidural. So I'm not I'm not going to try to speculate with the clinical reasoning was there, because there may have been something else that we don't know about, but that is what happens sometimes when your body starts to recognize the labor process. So sometimes the pitocin will have the synthetic contractions. Like you said, it's making your uterus contract, but it's not that real intense process. When your baby's head is coming down through your pelvis, partially because it's mechanical, when your water is still intact, your amniotic sac is still intact, your baby's kind of floating around, it's like a water balloon, right, you take the water out and then suddenly there's a lot of gravity working and it's going down through your cervix, down through those bones of your pelvis, and that is where the real intense feeling comes pressure and then those contractions.

10:59 Your uterus is contracting around the baby instead of that soft fluid, and so then the contraction feels really intense and then your body recognizes that as labor and then those hormones. There's all this feedback and you're adding in the synthetic hormone as well. So that's that process. In case somebody didn't quite understand what that meant, then I'm curious about your epidural. Can you describe where you felt relief versus where you didn't feel relief? Was it higher up that you felt relief and then maybe down below you? did it. I don't part of that's like I wouldn't say blocked out, but it was so foggy for me it was weird. I still to this day every now. And then it's dissipated a lot in the last few years because of my son's six now but I do have like slight pain from where the needle was, but just like it's like a same spot every time, it'll go away.

11:45 But yeah, I don't know if I remember, exactly Like the epidural itself. Like I said, needles don't bother me, I didn't really care. It wasn't that painful, I mean it hurt, but like. I didn't really have a problem with that, but at anything I tend to, especially the more I've learned and as years come by, I tend to go more natural way now for things anything that's not necessarily needed or is the most natural form of something I try to get away from, and the fact that in order to have that, you have the catheter as well, so it's pretty nice to get. And then, like I said, I'm pretty sensitive to anything foreign, so the typical side effects I usually get the shakes like those were pretty severe for me and obviously, like your legs, feel dead weight. That's a very feeling.

12:26 Like I said, I could still feel stuff, the pain just lessened. I guess I did have my biggest. I guess like description I could call the contractions was like someone was electrocuting my back kind of what it felt like. Yeah, I had like shocks into my body. That's kind of what my first birth contractions kind of felt like. It was very. That's really interesting, where I have no scientific explanation for that. But, like you said, everybody has a different reaction. I agree, I am also sensitive and I have patients that are sensitive, like my blood pressure tanked both times and my baby's heart rate went down both times and I passed out both times after the epidural. If you're someone sensitive like that, you can have these reactions right.

13:07 But and ideally we have ways to counteract those reactions. So that's why I'm curious about what happened to you. But I got nothing. At this point I don't know. I don't know what that was the shakes, that's normal. That can be either hormones. Were you 10 centimeters after you got your epidural or did it take some time? No, I was not 10 centimeters. Okay, so it took some time. So it can be a combination of hormones and maybe because you were kicked into active labor and then your fight or flight response kind of decreased a little bit once you got the epidural. And so then what will happen is you might get the shakes that's what anesthesia likes to say, because they don't want to be blamed for the shakes. There's another reason for the shakes that has that does have to do with the epidural, Also not anesthesia's fault.

13:47 I know everybody likes to blame anesthesia. So another thing that can happen is your blood vessels will dilate in your extremities. When you get the epidural they kind of relax and that's why your blood pressure can drop. So I'm not sure if your blood pressure actually dropped, but when you're dilated in those extremities you're not as warm as you were before. So, like when you're hot, your blood vessels dilate in order to release heat, right. So that's what your extremities are doing. And then what you may experience is not a feeling of cold, because you can't feel your extremities anymore and your core is warm because that's not where your blood vessels are dilating, but your body will shiver.

14:29 Your body knows that there's cold somewhere and we'll start to shake. So those are the reasons that I mean, they're not reasons we can necessarily control, because women will start having the shakes and labor and we just say you know what, Just let it flow, because if you fight it you're gonna be sore tomorrow. And then I try to cover the legs with warm blankets and the arms and stuff, even if you're not feeling cold. And then I don't wanna cover the core because that's where you're feeling hot and you wanna release your heat. So it's just this interesting paradox that your body is kind of experiencing. And then the other thing I wanted to talk about is the pain relief is do you remember what spot in your back like how high up that pinpoint is that you feel from where your epidural was?

15:12 It was like Mid-back, I wonder if so, I had an epidural and I had two different epidural experiences and I'm grateful for both. It is a process where your catheter goes in and they go in blind, so it's not scientific. You know, we're not using an ultrasound to control it and even if we did, we can't control it because it's a floppy, it's almost like a fishing line. And so then with my first, like you said, I could feel a lot, but I was okay with that because I wanted to just take the edge off so I could push the second one, and I did feel the pulling of the stitches. That was weird. Yeah, it was like dental floss down there. It was so weird. Yes, the second one, it was a little bit high, which no complaints.

15:52 It was an excellent epidural. I couldn't feel a thing. But then when they laid me down, I was like my bones are getting numb. Can we sit up a little bit? Because I know that sometimes if the medication migrates up which it can in any circumstance because it's not going to a specific spot in your spine, but if it migrates up enough, it can affect your diaphragm and then you don't feel your diaphragm, you feel like you can't breathe. It's a feeling that sometimes happens when you get a spinal and that's not. It's not the same spot that you get your spinal, but it can migrate up with your epidural if it's a little bit higher. And I have back abnormalities, so that it makes sense that that happened to me. But these are all there's all these potential, because we are doing something that is not in an exact spot that we can confirm that happens with the epidural.

16:42 So I'm wondering if maybe when you felt like you couldn't breathe it was just a little bit higher up in your spine, for whatever reason, they're looking for the spot that looks like it's got the least resistance, so that could have been it. And then in doing that, maybe it wasn't low enough to get to where your catheter was, and why you've got a catheter urinary tract infection that I don't know, because it doesn't sound like it was in long enough for that to happen. So that sucks, but it is. It's a risk, but that sucks for you. Anyway, did you have anything to add to that? Those are just all my thoughts on like why that might happen, so that moms are not like oh, my God, this is so scary. That's just was my experience. I wouldn't scare anyone. Just something to be mindful of is things don't feel right or whatever.

17:23 Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. Oh, absolutely, or when we're speak up. Yes, absolutely, and I'm sorry that you had that experience where you felt like they're kind of brushing you aside. I wish that anesthesia kind of calmed back in and helped troubleshoot that for you. If you don't have anything to add to my nurse explanation, I'd love to hear your next birth story and how your first story shaped your next experience. I did so. After that I was like never again will I get an epidural, because I don't want to even have the possibility of anything like that happening Ever again. I'm going to do this, all natural. I know it might suck, but I'll get through it. So I passed my due date once again with my second son, Like come on, Like no signs of labor Actually, okay, I'll take that back.

18:08 I went to the hospital three times before he was born, thinking it was labor. He was a September baby, so I think at least one, if not a couple, of those were dehydration induced contractions. It was very hot. I was drinking lots of water, but still something to be mindful of is you have a summer, early fall baby to stay hydrated in the summer. So we went to the hospital a couple of times again. This may be it. This may be it, which would be polar opposite of our first being 41 weeks induced, and these would be like 30 something weeks, like early on their own. I actually one of those times really thought it was it and it was early, and we didn't find out the gender of any of our babies. They're all boys though. So they gave me the I think it's a steroid right.

18:48 They gave me the steroid for the lungs just in case, and that was extremely painful. It burned. I wasn't prepared for that at all and it really felt like they were just like shooting fire up your veins every time they had to fill it back up through the IV in your hand. It's yeah. I mean. I was in tears and I don't cry very much from pain, so it hurt. We were walking the halls thinking this is it like getting labor moving? And then I never progressed so they sent me home. That was even the second or third time. So anyways, now that 40 weeks and five days is when I decided to get induced with him, I did not do pitocin. I said can you just break my water? This time I know this will happen. Last time that's all my body needed was just my water broken.

19:30 Can you just break my water? And she said yeah, but you realize, if we do that and you don't progress, then we have to give you pitocin because there's some infection and everything. And I was like yeah, that's fine, but it'll work, Trust me, just do it. They're like okay. So long story short, and then I'll get back into the details. 7am or so, we like check in, she breaks our water. He's born at 11 that morning. So I was right. Four hours later and no, I do not have an epidural, I did it unmedicated. Except they allow you to have three doses of fentanyl to take the edge off and it has to be spaced out every 15 minutes or so. So I did that because natural childbirth is no joke, obviously, and I had really bad back labor with him because he was in my stomach like diagonally, so well, actually both.

20:16 But I had really bad back labor and, in addition to the front, contractions because he was in like both sides and so it was really painful. So I need the fentanyl to like take the edge off. This one was very different. I was walking. I wasn't walking around with my first birth, I was walking around with him, could not sit down or lay down. That's the last thing I wanted to do. The most comfortable position for me was slow dance move with my husband, like hanging over him or sometimes hanging on the rocking chair. Things like that Felt the most relieving with that kind of pain and did have a second degree tear and didn't even feel it, despite not having an epidural. He was a bigger baby than my first. He was a nine pound baby and I'm not a very big person 21 and a half inches, Like he was pretty big. The nurse was like you just gave birth to three month old, because he didn't come out looking like a newborn.

21:00 So it was just crazy that, like my second birth with a bigger baby but unnatural was actually I wouldn't say easy, but like quote unquote like not as bad of an experience Still painful obviously. I mean one of the worst pains you can ever be in in your life is childbirth. But my recovery another reason why I'm so glad I did it without my epidural was night and day. The only issue I had was like getting up. I lost a lot of blood pretty quick, so I did get feinty for a while, but other than that I felt like me. I did not feel drugged up. I felt normal again after he was born, except when I would have to get up to go do something. It was just like the blood loss was a little bit more with him.

21:42 But that was it. Like my healing was better. I was also healthier during his pregnancy, so that had something to do with it too. But, like I said, painful obviously, but four hours later just break my water, a few doses of fentanyl and that was it and he was born with. Yeah, I had the tearing but didn't feel it Stitch right up pretty easy and my midwife actually told me that I was worried about tearing again because my tearing the first time was so severe, so awful, I couldn't sit, Like all these stitches had to get restitched again. They fell out. She said actually each baby you have will break up the scar tissue you have from the previous one, so you won't tear as much or as bad, you may not even tear at all and even if you do, you won't feel it. It will hurt as bad. And that was very true. And I also noticed that it hurt worse after the first one for a while, the scar tissue.

22:26 But like as I've had more kids, the scar tissue doesn't hurt. It's bad, it's still there, but it's not nearly as bad as it was after that first one. Yeah, I have the same experience with the scar tissue. It's a nightmare after that first one. I love that you had them break your water instead of just I love that. I love that you had a little bit of a boss move. That was amazing. I mean, that's all your body needed, yeah. Yeah, do you know what position your babies were in? You said one was kind of sideways in your body but you said you had lightning pain in your back with your first or like electrical current, like oh, I had my first one, the position of him. I don't remember them telling me any of that. I did have to listen to Previa with him. That did get rid of it, thankfully. So I didn't have to have a C-section.

23:06 I was worried about that. With my first I had one. That one, and then also my third, was Breach for a very long time, but then he flipped before. I can't burst. Yeah, so a lot of the times with back labor your baby's head will be faced the wrong way. We want the hardest part of the head, the back of the head, to be towards your front so that it can kind of push through and pave the way. But if the face is there then you're getting the hardest part of your head in your back and you'll have that pain in your back. So I'm just wondering. I mean, it sounds like maybe they turned before you delivered, but it sounds like you had some. I had really bad round leg pain with him as well. Yeah, brought my belly button. I mean really bad so during my pregnancy. So I'm wondering if the position he was in the whole time he kept pressing up against it, I think, and I was all belly with him Like I didn't gain much anywhere else but my belly got really very much basketball-y Well he was nine pounds.

23:53 There's no place for him to go. Yep, and then. Okay, so then you did that natural labor four hours, three hours later, your baby was born. What happened with your third? Similar story kind of. I went a couple times thinking it was it. It was my third and I'm like, okay, I know things go faster this time around, like so anytime I had the least bit of maybe contractions or cramps, I was like maybe this is it Because I was afraid of waiting it out, and now I've got two kids that someone needs to watch them that I got to plan things ahead for. So I didn't want to be in a bad situation of like, oh no, the baby's coming like now and I don't have anything planned for them and I don't have where they're going to go and I don't have anything packed. So we went a couple times thinking it was it. One time I was doing a lot of things.

24:34 I was doing lunges, I was bouncing on the ball in the hospital room like trying to get myself to progress. I was like not going back home, I'm not going back home again. I'm not doing this again. I did. They're like, nope, nothing's happening. Oh, come on. Because I had to like send my kids to the grandparents and then bring them back home and tell them no, no, baby, and like it was just a lot of confusion for them. They were really young, so it was just a lot. And we were we never really fully unpacked. So our house was in disarray. We were always like had bags ready and then we were living out the bags and his birth and coming into this world was very stressful. So I had two toddlers at the time. So I was the Friday night into early Saturday morning, so like overnight I woke up. So at this point I'm 38 and 6. This is relevant. So I woke up puking my guts out and I was puking so hard I thought my water had broken because, like every time I would throw out there was like a gush.

25:20 But is this like I'm in labor? And it was awful. I mean, I think it was like four hours of just I kept getting stuff out of my body. I thought this is how my mom come over in the middle of the night and we drove to the hospital on the highway. I puked on the highway. My husband had pull over on the highway and I threw up on the side of it and we kept going. I felt so sick and I was like I hope this is a sign like this maybe means I'm in labor. Turns out that's not your water and I'm like well, I didn't pee myself. That was a lot of fluid that just kept gushing out. But they never gave me an answer. But they tested and said it wasn't the amniotic fluid. So I was like, okay, well, this makes no sense, but I was obviously extremely dehydrated at that point. Also, I was having diarrhea at the same time. It was a lot for any person, much less someone who's nine months pregnant.

26:02 Add that into the equation. It was literally the worst thing ever. And so I was there for a while to like I felt good enough. Again. They sent me home with morphine. I thought I'd had some fluids and I passed out. When we got home I slept on the couch for like four hours straight. I just felt kind of weak and off that day. The next day I was 39 weeks it was my oldest fourth birthday, celebrated his birthday still kind of fell off. Then later that night into mid Monday morning, like overnight, I got sick again throughout for four straight hours. Again. It's like come on, what is this? So, like Monday, I'm healing, resting up. Then Tuesday now I'm 39 and two I start cramping. Cramping is getting a little bit more intense. A little more intense. Maybe this is it. Like this is labor I my third trimester was Ross with him.

26:45 I was just so uncomfortable and done. I was taking care of two toddlers and, yeah, I was just physically done. And then now, I have all this coming out of my system and the cramping was coming and coming and coming and then I was like, okay, let's go Like this, this is it. Surely this makes sense, surely this is it. My body's finally doing this on its own, which would be so nice. I don't have to have anybody do anything for me. It just happened naturally. And then, once we finally get everything squared away, get my kids to my parents' house. As we get to my parents' house, I had already called to make sure that my midwife that had delivered my second one was there, cause she's only at this specific hospital during the office hours during the day, so she's going to get off at like five or five PM and it was at two o'clock, so I had about three hours left before she was off her shift and I really wanted her.

27:27 And we got into my parents' house and I knew in my head I was like this isn't labor, they were subsiding. I just, I just knew, but I didn't say anything cause I was like, maybe, if I just go, like, I'm just done, whether this is labor or not, I'm done. So I got there and she was like yeah, I don't know. I was like can you spring my water? I'm already here. They told me they couldn't do anything. This is why I said how far I was in my pregnancy before they can't do anything induction wise until like 39 weeks. More obviously you know that, but I don't know if the listeners know that. So I was 38 and six when I came in with that awful stomach bug the first time. So they couldn't do anything then and I didn't go back to the hospital again until 39 and two and I was like I'm already here, I'm miserable.

28:08 Like this has happened the past few days for me, Like I was better now, but now I'm cramping and the cramp is gone. This is weird. Can you just break my water again? She's like yeah, you know, I got to get off in a couple hours. I mean, I'll be here with the babies born. And I was like that's, that's fine, Just give my body some time. I'm like I don't have control over how fast my body progresses. But I was like clock was ticking. I was like two, 33 o'clock and I remember when he was born, I she was there, she delivered him and I looked up at the clock and he was born around 6 30 pm. I was like she stayed for me and she's like, well, yeah, you were in pain, I couldn't just leave you. She told me previously she had all these plans for in the evening with her family and whatnot. It was very kind of her, but anyways. So my whole labor with him she broke my water to use, born about three hours an hour quicker than my second one from start to finish water breaking to when he was born I did the fentanyl again.

28:56 The biggest difference with him versus my second was he was signing side up, which is what you were talking about earlier, where their faces up when you give birth and it burns like none other. Very, very painful. And he was my smallest baby, so size doesn't necessarily mean anything in regards to pain. Don't let that freak you out. Well, they tell you how big your baby is. An ultrasound usually it's wrong. Anyways, mine were in the order eight, nine and seven pounds and the seven pound one hurt the most. So it really has nothing to do with anything. And he was my third body already done this several times, Very, very painful. But I don't know if there's anything you can do about that ahead of time or if this is something it just happens and is what it is. So yeah, his was very painful, Everything leading up to his was painful, but I did it again without the bedural and it was just very relieving to be done at that point with his.

29:42 So yeah, did you have back labor with that one too? The pain part. I mean, yeah, it was probably pretty much a blur. I just remember the I guess it's the ring of fire. I didn't really feel like I felt that, but that's what it sounds like. What describes to me is when I had the sunny side up and maybe with the scar tissue as well they're already from my other two and he was just hitting that spot when he came out. I don't know, but yeah, did they ever figure out why you were throwing up so much? It was a stomach bug, because a few days as I should say, a few days after we got home, my son got it Not my infant, but my toddlers and then, after he had it, my other toddler had it and then my other one had it again. So we didn't have anyone coming over to visit us and help us out for the first few weeks, because no one wanted that I mean I don't blame them, but that really sucks.

30:27 You got it. You got it all. His whole first pre-month and month of life was horrible for a sense of family. Yeah, that's awful. I wanted to go back. You mentioned something about the steroid which is, I believe I mean, I would imagine it's beta methicone. That's the only one that I know of that we give from pregnancy. I don't know the name, yeah. It's unusual for where I work to do it in the IV. It burns no matter where you put it. We usually do intramuscular, so I would imagine I guess I never paid attention to whether or not you could do it IV or IVM. I just do it in the. I do it in the butt because it's the biggest muscle, because it is. It's like it's two milliliters of this very viscous solution.

31:08 Yeah, it does burn, but it really helps with that development of the lungs and especially the surfactant helps babies produce that which helps the lungs open up and stay open. It reduces the surface tension of the fluid outside of the alveoli, which are the little bitty sacs in the lungs that we want to stay open after they deliver. So that does help. Let's move on to your postpartum period. So with your first, you said that it inspired you to. Was it your first that inspired you to start blogging? You mentioned that when we talked previously. I didn't actually start blogging until after my second, but I shared experiences from my first because, that one was worse than my second one. So talk about what happened in that postpartum period that motivated you to share your experience with other moms.

31:53 Well, part of it was I was the first of my peers to have a kid, so I didn't have a motherhood community. I didn't have any mom friends. I didn't have anyone telling me, hey, here's what's really going to happen, or it's normal to feel this way. I only have much older adults just kind of giving me encouragement and advice. That was how. It wasn't kind but not necessarily applicable or helpful, and I didn't want to open up about some of this stuff because it was hard and vulnerable and messy and TMI. I feel like no one needs to know some of these things. So that part, just everything that I went through that factor made it a lot harder to be alone. In a sense I had my husband, but he's never going to go through this, so he can only support me in certain ways and that's it.

32:33 There's a limit to that. And he went to work. So I was home all day alone with my baby and had visitors here and there, but not a ton Anyone. When you become a first time mom you're like thrust into the rest of your life. That's such a trauma, especially if you've physically had them, that your body's gone through you feel from that trauma while also carrying 24, seven for another human being that cannot do anything for themselves. That's like the bare minimum. Much less if you have other children or a husband or family, friends, like job whatever. So your life is obviously never the same again. But you also aren't. No matter how many people can tell you about it, you really aren't prepared to experience it yourself, and so mine was. I had the physical issues and the tearing really bad, the swelling, the stitches, all that.

33:18 The breastfeeding was painful and he actually had a four mil high milk imbalance that I didn't know about. Later I was very engorged like an oversupply. So basically the imbalance means my milk was a fatty enough, but I produced a ton. But he, coming to find out months later, had reflux as well, so he wasn't gaining. He also lost at one point Like baby's do lose a little bit in the very, very, very beginning. But his was more severe and he would scream bloody murder after he would feed and lay down because the reflux, that was painful for it to come back up in esophagus and therefore he couldn't sleep and therefore I was not sleeping and so we got to this very, very rough cycle of pain and no sleep and that affects your mental health.

33:59 And then you got the hormone side of mental health, of your body adjusting and things not getting regulated the way they should, and I was just basically a recipe for disaster with me and with him, until I got his reflux figured out, seeing a pediatrician no offense to them, but they're not trained in that, so he just gives the attack and push you away and that doesn't do squat because you have to up the dose as they grow and babies grow very fast in the very beginning. And it didn't. It didn't do anything for him. So we took him to a pediatric gastroenterologist which can actually treat this, because mine was obviously more than just like spitting up and I talk about this on my blog. But spitting up is all. Babies spit up is not the same as reflux and when there's an issue with weight gain and weight loss, severe pain.

34:44 When they spit up, not just like spitting up a lot, but it doesn't affect their weight, and where they're happy spitters is what we call them, there's nothing to worry about. It's just a laundry problem for you. But all three of my kids spit up a ton, but his was the most severe as far as the pain goes, so he had to get onto medication for it until he outgrew it, which sucked. But once we got that squared away and a few months of severe sleep deprivation goes by and I'm slowly I mean like healing at the snail's pace, it felt like to me I got to the point where I was like I can't live like this anymore. And this is the point where some moms either improve things or end things, and I'm not one to end things. I'm pushed through and I'm like, no, I'm gonna fight back, I'm gonna make things better.

35:27 I'm always gonna fix this for me. But me, this is my job and I'm not gonna live like this anymore. I mean, I just had strong, constant headaches from the sleep deprivation. I was angry at everyone, rage, hated the world. I was in a fog because when you don't sleep a lot, it really messes with you. It's a form of torture in some places, like when you go that long without sleep, and that's how it felt to me and I was like I can't live like this anymore. He needs rest. I need rest. I can't heal from this traumatic thing that my body went through if I'm not resting. So that's when I really dove into figuring out his sleep and what he needed and was able to give him what he needed in regards to his sleep and his feeding and getting weighed again, and then, therefore, I was able to heal and get some rest. So learning all that is what actually made my second one go so much better, even though they're 16 months apart.

36:13 So I had the two under two lives. It was a very quick turnaround of getting pregnant. Once again, I was seven months postpartum, right when I had healed. Finally, it took at least a good six months for me to like feel normal Okay, I wouldn't say normal better, let's say better because I was never normal, especially after. My body will never be the same but to get to like a good spot and I mean I was healthier during his pregnancy. I remember his story. I changed things around for way better and therefore my postpartum was better because I was healthier going into it. The trauma wasn't as severe as it didn't have to be as severe that way, because of the measures I took and owned my decisions and doctors work for you, you don't work for them. So I said this is what I want through this.

36:54 I'm not doing that. I said no, the things that I did not want to do. And my journey into that postpartum season of my second was really not that hard at all. Honestly. Yeah, I had another one, but I think because they were so close in nature, it was actually easier because he didn't really remember what it was like to be in early childhood and he loves. He had loved his brother from day one and helped me out and it was so cute and he would always just bring him stuff, and so that, I think, lowered my stress level and helped me to heal faster and I also knew how to get my baby to sleep as well. So if he's sleeping, I'm sleeping. So that helped as well. And then with my third it was back to kind of the whirlwind again because of how everything started going into his birth.

37:37 We actually didn't even have a car for family of five before he was born. How to get one. After he was born I had no problems with my car. I love my car but it didn't fit our new family and we couldn't get it to. After he was born, didn't he have a name picked out for him? I mean, it was just. And then that whole stomach bug and everything was just a disaster. And now I had a four and a two and a half year old and him and my four year old actually had it problems adjusting with him, which we didn't expect. That Usually think the baby's gonna have problem. My middle child is the most easygoing person on this planet. My oldest did not handle it as well and it wasn't with our son, it was with me and us, and so that was a big learning curve for us to. I mean, he just acted out like crazy and he had never had.

38:20 He was like our angel child up until this point. So that was a whole nother thing to add on to me being newly postpartum and emotional and hormones are going crazy. And then now I'm dealing with my new four year old, who is a completely different child than he would have used to be, and lashing out and just like breaking my heart and then like I'm stressed cause I'm trying three, three and beyond is like a whole different ball game than one or two. When you add that third one, it just like not saying it goes terrible, but it just it adds a whole another level of crazy to things. But you also get to a place where you don't care about as much anymore. So it is kind of level me out a bit. But and I have three boys too, so that's a different scenario but dealing with him and I actually did have postpartum depression again.

39:04 I didn't mention that before, but I had really bad postpartum depression and anxiety with my first. A lot of it was the hormone issue, obviously, and the anxiety part. I struggled with anxiety pre-pregnancy but this was heightened because when it's your first child, anxiety is an issue with lack of control and wanting to control things you can't and so obviously when you have your first child. You want to control everything that they do and what happens to them. And I mean I couldn't let anyone watch him, even though, like, I didn't know what I was doing while watching him. So why did? I? Think I could handle it better? I wasn't, but something that gets in our head is that no one can do it better than me mentality, and so I got like very anxious anytime like leaving him or anytime someone else did something with him, even though I was still there. The anxiety part went away after that.

39:44 I've figured out ways to cope with it since him, but the depression did come back with my third. I really didn't want to be here and the only thing that kept me going with my third was him Honestly, not even my toddlers. I was so kind of burnt out with him at this point, but it was my baby Cause there's just something about babies. When he wasn't crying, obviously, but when he knew he was happy, in a good mood, just kind of this peace between us and I. Like every night what I would do is bedtime feeding before bed. It was just me and him, cause I was nursing him. So my husband had the other two put them to bed, so it was like just me and him time and I would record, I posted on my stories on Instagram and I also recorded for myself and saved it so I could go back and look on it. But I would record our conversations every night when we would, after he would eat cause, like I said, they all spit up so I would hold them for a little while before I laid them down.

40:30 So it was like kind of our time to respond before he was old enough to like read books too and everything. And it was cool to watch as he grew. He went from just kind of laying there and being cute to babbling and then talking and then waving and it was just really special moment. So that was really the only thing that kept me going during that season and I wrote a blog post about it. But I at the end I put I'm in love with my baby but I'm not in love with this season and I told my husband I recognized when I had it. I was open and honest with him about it. I said I don't know how I'm going to fix it, I don't know when it's going to end, but just let you know this is where I'm at, because a lot of moms we just keep it inside and that's when bad things happen. You know, and I was also telling him to keep me accountable so that he wouldn't let me do anything crazy or out of my messed up mental state at the time until things regulated.

41:18 And it took honestly took a while for that to subside and get regulated a lot longer than with my first. But the positive thing is, at this point I did have them all on consistent schedules and routines. They all slept well Cause. Now my third go around, I knew what I was doing. But there's just some things that as much as we like to control, we can't. And having to let go and release that and just trust that we'll all fix it self and do time but there's not. That doesn't necessarily mean you can't do things in the meantime to help it progress faster or waste a cope and things like that. So that's what I did, but he's two now, so we're much better yeah. I love that. You said I'm in love with my baby and I'm not in love with this season. That's really important for moms to remember. That that's what every, every difficult time is just a season and at some point it will change.

42:02 Either it'll be a different season that you're not in love with, or it'll be a season that's just absolutely wonderful. But nothing stays the same. That's the biggest takeaway for me from motherhood is just get comfortable with change. And then you said that you had postpartum depression and anxiety. What was it that you leaned into? With my first. A lot of it, like I said, I didn't do with sleep deprivation and the physical healing I mean it takes until it being lovely. Really I was very lonely with all that. I mean I quit college early, work full time until I got pregnant and then quit working when I had my son and so most of my peers were still in school, definitely not married or having kids yet.

42:43 So I'm in a whole different season of life at a young age, like stuck in this new world but don't have anyone else going through this with me. So it was very isolating feeling to be in that and it was just weird honestly, like the adjustment just while to get used to. This is my life now. But also, like you said, that doesn't mean it looked like that forever. Obviously it did change, seasons change and some of it's kind of a fog to be with you because how hard it was and because I was supposed to sleep to bed I was like a robot, like a zombie. Just every day was kind of groundhog day because I couldn't put my thoughts together, I can't remember things. This is really what I suffered with a lot of my third. I mean I forgot things left and right You'd have a conversation with me and just go right over my head.

43:26 I had no idea what you just said. My brain could process what you were talking about. I felt like I was going crazy and like something's wrong with me. But even when I was, the first time I knew about post-partum depression everyone hears about it, I knew about baby blues or whatever, but I just I guess I thought that's not going to be me. Only depressed people get depressed and I'm not a depressed person. But I mean, like I said, there's really so much you can control in those kind of situations. It's very humbling experience to realize, ok, I don't actually have as much control as I thought and I'm a Christian, so I don't know, honestly, how people do it without believing in something or believing in God, because I can't go through these hard times without Him, without prayer, without being in a relationship with Him, without having worship, music and godly people in my life to be that support.

44:08 I don't want to make it sound like I had no one, like everybody just ignored me and left me alone. I did, but I had older generations, so they were nice and helpful and stuff, but it would have been nice to have friends go through that. But because of all that, that's why I do what I do now, and so I empathize with those moms who are in my shoes and I do my best to make them feel validated and heard and understood, because I'm not that far from me. I'm 29, so I'm still pretty young. I'm really experienced. It doesn't mean I'm above you in any sense. We're all still humans and we also feel and have the same emotions and thoughts. So just because I may be older than someone or may not be older at all, but I have more kids than they do, doesn't necessarily mean that above them in any sense of the way.

44:51 I still went through some of the things they go through. Yeah, did you receive any treatment for the postpartum depression, or were there books or anything that you found helpful? At the first time I had been on medication prior like a couple of years before I had my kids for anxiety, which was actually an anti-depressant because my anxiety had caused depression, whereas you just took the other way around with some people and I went on it. After going to counseling my anxiety got pretty severe to where I opened up and asked my mom like I need help and I'm not one to usually do that, so she knows like if I'm saying I need help, something's wrong, then something's really wrong. That's where I learned a lot in counseling how to manage my anxiety. Like I said, it's a mindset of the control issue and, as a Christian, it's like trying to control the things that supposed to be guys to control and not mine, and letting go of those things.

45:40 And also it's a burden lift off your shoulders. You're not meant to control any things. You aren't God. That's a good thing, because we don't have the capacity to do it all. We're not designed to do it all, so why are we trying to do something that we're not required to do? But, yes, we aren't responsible for something. So, especially as a mom, your kids, one of them steward what you're given well and control those and let go of everything that you're not supposed to or meant to control. So having that mindset really helped me like OK, I was like I want to be off this medication, I want to be done. I think I got it on my own and I don't know that better, but I don't recommend weaning quote, unquote yourself off the medication alone, because I did that and that was not very wise. Please don't ever do that.

46:22 Yeah, no, not recommended, if you want to get off a quick cold turkey. Yeah, this is what I did. Oh yikes. I talked about taking a lightweight earlier, yeah, and I didn't tell anyone while I was doing it either. Mm. It was very scary. Well, I felt the effects of the withdrawal and it was like what is going on with me? I was going to die for a second Mm. Looking at it now, where I am, I still have anxious thoughts. That's going to be part of me because I am a control freak and I have to work on that, but I am. I think, obviously, with anything, you got to be open and honest about your struggles and accepting that that's what you're dealing with. Being honest with others and yourself, but also, okay, taking the emotions out of it for a second and just looking at the facts, like this is something I struggle with.

47:02 What are ways I can make it easier for myself? How can I combat it? What can I do? How can I have people support me, not just like, well, it was me, I'm broken, I'm terrible, I'm a horrible person, I'm so weak. That's not going to do you any good in your, in your growth, in your healing process. So with my third, I knew I had it pretty bad again, but just the depression part, nothing anxiety, because at this point I was like, yeah, you go watch them. I didn't care. You know, with three kids you kind of let go of some things. But I remember my midwife asking me. I could tell she wanted to like put me on something, because she could tell that I was struggling. And I was like, no, I don't want to be dependent on a medication and I'm not knocking them because I was on one before, but I don't want to ever be on one again.

47:43 And I was like, no, I'm going to fight this, Even if it may take me longer or whatever. Like I don't want to put anything else into my body that I don't need in my body right now. And so, yeah, it took longer, but considering my circumstances of how everything started, like no wonder. I mean I just kind of went into a model three, like in a tornado season, and I mean it's not easy for anyone, much less someone who just went through all that physically in that season as well Like it's a very high stress situation for a long period of time, and just can never feel like I got to the surface, just like constantly paddling, paddling, paddling, but fighting against everything. So, like I said, it did end, but I it was a lot.

48:24 I don't remember like when it did. I think it was just so slow and gradual process that I just had to be very patient and I'm not a patient person. So I believe it's obviously like a testing period for me and a growth period for me. Another humbling reminder that there's only so many things I can't control. And what can I control? I need to work on that and be responsible for that and do my best in those areas and then, when I can, I need to let go of us, and that's what I help moms with. Like, you can't control what other people do, including your children. You should not be controlling your children. They're human beings just like you. But you can control what you do as a mom and as a wife and, you know, as a person in society, and it's also no one's job to take care of you as well. That's yours. So even, yeah, your husband like he's my husband's to support me and love me, of course, as my husband, but it's not his job to Do things for me that I should do for myself.

49:13 Then I feel like some mom's saying, be like what? But I mean that's true, because we're all adults and we all have our responsibilities and I didn't marry God right, I married another human. He's not supposed to care for me like I got supposed to care well, partners and we are friends, but we're also both imperfect people, so we hang on each other when someone's down and someone not doing as well. You know and supporting each other in those seasons, of course, what marriage is about. But I have to do my part to take care of me as well. It sounds like you really took ownership over your mental health at that point and you made sure that everything that happened after that first pregnancy was growth Mm-hmm, and I think that your mindset, it sounds like, helped you through a lot of it.

49:55 Just recognizing this is a season of depression for me, I am making sure that everybody that needs to be aware of it is aware of it, and if I'm making the vow to myself and them that if it gets to be too much, then I will say something. But at this point I'm gonna try to just keep perspective and remember that this is a season. I'm feeling overwhelmed because there's just a lot right now and that's a totally normal feeling because I Can't do everything and trying to remember that a lot of the overwhelm comes from that feeling of needing to control and that you can't control everything. That sounds like you kind of just went through that, those steps in your head in order to Move through that painful time.

50:40 I don't want to say overcome, because you don't hover over it, you move through it and you just let let everything flow. Yeah, I like that. That's very true yeah. I think it's easy to run away from some of those things and pretend that they're not there, but it sounds like you decided to not even take it on. You didn't battle it necessarily, you just moved through it. You let you just let it flow through it. I think that's amazing. I think that's a really good way to kind of look at things. Did you have anybody else that you? Did you have anybody that you talked to? You'd mentioned that they had a therapist at the time, or were there any books or anything special that helped you maintain that mindset? You said also listening to music and worship and that kind of stuff.

51:21 Yeah, my counselor was before kids, before even pregnancy. So I was in my college years. I mean, if I could have, I definitely believed counseling like helpful for anybody and if we could have afforded at that time I probably would have done gone back the one I had seen she had retired so I just didn't trust anyone else like her. It was really sad because I really loved her. Yeah, I didn't honestly know. I didn't have any books that I read, really have to read. My therapy was kind of like my blog and my Doing what I do online and like opening up about it. Because when I was little, when I struggled with what I thought at the time as a Teenager and going through those years is depression. You know, when you're like the world hates me, everybody hates me. You know, no one loves me. That's kind of seasons.

52:01 I journaled a lot so I always liked writing like my feelings out and now I kind of speak it out on social media like podcasts and stuff it's it helps to like. That's how I told my husband this the other day. I was like when I overload on you, you know, because I've been with the kids all day, not adults, and I just like spew stuff out. I was like you know those like 50 tabs that have opened in my brain, that's me closing them off. It's just therapeutic, like you don't even have to, like I do what you respond to some things, but I'm like just let me get it out, because if I just keep it all in, there's just more that keeps coming in and Nothing ever gets closed out or dealt with or read or you know. And so that's what I felt like for such a long time. There's just so much coming in and I was gonna just my car drive was kind of go down.

52:46 You know how it felt. And so, because I'm being open and honest with him, because there weren't many people in my life like Person I would talk to face-to-face about it, that I felt I couldn't understand or relate. So that's why online, because there's a lot of moms online. I mean, most of my peers now have kids, now that I have three, but in those first couple years of my motherhood I still was a mom of two and still had no mom friends and my circle that were physically around me. So connecting online and like mom groups on Facebook and seeing all these mom communities and seeing like, okay, there's all these moms out there that are going through all these same things and I wanted like share what I went through so that I can even make sure they don't go the route I went or, if they're in it, here's how I went through it.

53:29 Like you said, went through it like you don't necessarily like conquer Something like an anxiety, depression, for example, may not be something that completely goes away. I believe, like from someone like me, like anxieties, mindset issue to an extent that I Usually don't deal with on a day-to-day basis anymore, but it's still there. But it's also just like someone deals with greed, someone deals with lying, someone deals with their temper anxieties one that I will deal with for a while. I don't know if it's gonna be permanent or not, but it has improved because I have accepted it and I'm aware of it and I'm open about it and I don't try to hide it as like a weakness, but like yeah, I know that this is something that I struggle with and, honestly, my husband doesn't struggle with it at all, so he's been very helpful At all.

54:14 He's like I don't get how you think like this, it's so stupid, but he's actually helped me snap back into reality almost in a sense, and in the beginning stages that was harsh for me to hear because I just wanted someone to kind of wallow with me. He's not wanting to do that, but he's been honestly like a huge part of my growth as well, because he's helped me a lot with my mindset. He's the one that has the most access to my brain too, so having his support has really helped me and like it's helped us become stronger as a couple because now we're on a similar mindset and a similar Path to where we can work better together as a team and as parents. We're still very different people, obviously, but I can tell now like he's almost like in my head. When I go to say something or do something, I'm like no, he's, this is what it looks like and when you do this, when you say this, it's coming from this place.

54:59 Oh, yeah, okay, like I'm in. A part of this is having three kids to, like I said before, the more you have, the more lacks you get about certain things and you just realize like, okay, these things truly don't matter and you just let it go. Doesn't mean I don't want a clean house, but I would love that, but the seasons we're talking about, like the season I'm in with having a six, almost five and a two-year boys. It's just I want to do anything else besides clean my house. My house is gonna be a little bit messy and I'm okay with that because it I still prioritize time for myself and I work out and I work on my business and I play with my kids and we go out and do things. Our house looks like we lived in it and I got three little boys and that is okay.

55:39 You know, that's an example, but I mean just little things, like they drop something and spill it. It's not the end of the world. Will people just blow up at the little things for kids being kids or kids being humans or Another adult being a human, you know, and it's just like Realizing you really can't control anything Except you and that is it. I mean just like I can't. Even I can't control my husband, you know, if he has a bad day or whatever it does something, or my parents or my sister or my friends, like are my in-laws. I can't control any of those people. So like just accepting that and letting it goes like all right, well, I just got me today. You know I I'm the only, I'm only responsible for me, like I'm responsible where my kids go because there's so little. But they still have a Free will and a choice to disobey or obey or to be kind or to be mean.

56:23 So that's not on me their choices, but I do have a responsibility in stewarding them and guiding them and teaching them the right way and it's up to them to Do that or not. Yeah, that's amazing how you worked through that. I think that's the track that most people are on trying to get that figured out, because we all feel this responsibility and there's the lie that we tell ourselves that that we have control and the truth is that we don't. So the other question that I ask Everyone is if you could go back and talk to yourself before this whole process and I know you the first delivery you would say don't get the up and earth, don't get the medicine. What would you want to tell yourself? What message would you do you wish that you had Going back to that first pregnancy, delivery and motherhood experience?

57:08 aside from those things, a couple things. The control thing for sure, yeah, I did, that's just life. Right but obviously it's really big in marriage and in motherhood. Those two are obviously big factors. But and then also the season thing it will not be this forever. Your child will sleep, you will sleep. They will not cry forever. Then we'll start talking back at you. That's my biggest tip to all moms and I guess Would apply today if I could talk to myself was to accept this season that you're in and, like I said, emphasis on season, because very she's very few things in life are permanent. I mean very few things and stop trying to control what you can't control, but figure out what can you control in that season.

57:50 And I think that like empowers us and gives us like oh, I can't control these things, not in the oh no, I have all this that I have to control. Like no, it's actually like a more of empowering thing, like I have ownership of this. Let's do this kind of mentality or have a positive Direction to go versus oh, this is so overwhelming I can't do anything. Let go of the things you can't control right now. If you're in the season of newborn hood or toddler hood, those are hard years. But also stop trying to like put the season of school-age kids into the current season of a three and a one-year-old. Yeah it's not supposed to happen, it's not meant to happen, it's unrealistic. And then you're putting unrealistic Expectations on your kids, on your life, on your circumstances, that just aren't there yet.

58:31 Yeah, and that, unlike where you're at now because once you're in that school kid age season, you're not going back to that one, probably ever again. If you're done with kids, you know. So you can't get your time back and like being in the moment on those things, because obviously people say they grow up so fast and you know this, this, and people like, yeah, yeah, yeah, especially when you're going through those years. You're like, don't tell me that. That's like the last thing I want to hear. It makes me angry or did like my feelings don't matter in this Moment, it's so hard, but I mean, how many of us do this? Would be like lay in bed after they go to bed and like scroll through pictures of them on our phone. I'm like, oh, my god, I was like remember when they said this when they were so little. It was like a year ago. You know A year is not that long in the grand and they're 18 years of Childhood, but it's so true.

59:13 Like so. It helps me in those moments where I'm a go-getter, I want to be productive. I've always seen like, okay, I've got two seconds, like what can I do right now? And I and I have to stop myself when I'm in the moment with them, to just be in it with them sometimes. The other day we were taught my husband are looking at our two-year-old while he's eating. He's like I just love watching when he eats. It's so cute, you know, just like this. Little moments like that, I'm like I know, and if we're so busy doing all these things or trying to rush into the next season, we miss those, those times that we cannot get back, especially if you don't document it. All you have is your memory. Yeah, you know. So if your brain's not there and you didn't take a picture or video of it, then it's lost and gone forever. And I'll say that to be a good pressing but just kind of opens your eyes a bit.

59:54 It's okay to be in the moment and also see the big picture at the same time. Yeah, that's good. Well, jenna, was there anything else that you wanted to share that we didn't cover? Oh, I don't know, I can't hold it. That's awesome. Well, I'm suppose a lot of it's probably on your blog, so yeah, I haven't posted in a long time, but I've shared a lot already. Yeah, well, and if anybody wants to witness your brilliance and some of the things that you've learned over the years, it's your blog is always available. Can you remind us what that website? Is purposeintendedcom purposeintendedcom and then if someone wants to work with you, they can go to that website and yes, it's the work with me option. Awesome. Well, jenna, thank you so much. That was a really insightful story of how your motherhood journey has played out and I really appreciate you sharing.

1:00:41 Thank you for having me.