Jan. 21, 2026

Hurricanes, Epidurals, And Holding On with Erin Hall

Hurricanes, Epidurals, And Holding On with Erin Hall

Send us a text A hurricane on the horizon, contractions five minutes apart, and a quick detour through a Chick-fil-A drive-thru—Erin’s first birth story doesn’t read like any class manual. What followed was a long labor, Pitocin without pain relief when an epidural failed, and a body contorting into whatever position brought a sliver of relief. When the anesthesiologist finally got it right and her waters were broken, everything shifted—one push and Kylie arrived. Together we unpack why that ...

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Season 4

Send us a text

A hurricane on the horizon, contractions five minutes apart, and a quick detour through a Chick-fil-A drive-thru—Erin’s first birth story doesn’t read like any class manual. What followed was a long labor, Pitocin without pain relief when an epidural failed, and a body contorting into whatever position brought a sliver of relief. When the anesthesiologist finally got it right and her waters were broken, everything shifted—one push and Kylie arrived. Together we unpack why that experience felt traumatic, how back labor can hint at a sunny-side-up baby, and why instinctive movement often becomes the most powerful tool you have.

The second time was a different world. Early March 2020, open triage bays, “flu” precautions that turned out to be COVID, and a race to get an epidural before the cutoff. Her water broke at home, the pressure told the real story, and a few pushes later, Kason was here. We compare what changed—baby position, timing, hospital flow, mindset—and explore the myth that a smooth birth equals success while a hard birth equals failure. Birth plans help, but listening to your body, asking for options, and protecting your headspace matter more.

We also go deep on postpartum truths: breastfeeding pressure versus low supply, family history that reframes expectations, and the permission to choose formula or donor milk without shame. Erin talks candidly about body image, the relief of having her partner home during lockdown, and how building Bump and Beyond became a lifeline for parents who need more than advice—they need a village. If you’ve ever felt out of control, second-guessed every choice, or wondered whether you did enough, this conversation offers clarity, compassion, and practical insight.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs reassurance, and leave a review telling us one belief about birth or postpartum you’re ready to let go. Your story can help someone else find theirs.

Join the Bump & Beyond Online Community for moms & moms-to-be!

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Medical Disclaimer:
This podcast is intended as a safe space for women to share their birth experiences. It is not intended to provide medical advice. Each woman’s medical course of action is individual and may not appropriately transfer to another similar situation. Please speak to your medical provider before making any medical decisions. Additionally, it is important to keep in mind that evidence based practice evolves as our knowledge of science improves. To the best of my ability I will attempt to present the most current ACOG and AWHONN recommendations at the time the podcast is recorded, but that may not necessarily reflect the best practices at the time the podcast is heard. Additionally, guests sharing their stories have the right to autonomy in their medical decisions, and may share their choice to go against current practice recommendations. I intend to hold space for people to share their decisions. I will attempt to share the current recommendations so that my audience is informed, but it is up to each individual to choose what is best for them.

00:56 - Meet Erin And Bump And Beyond

01:52 - Pregnancy Stress And Body Image

03:45 - Birth Plan Meets Hospital Reality

04:55 - Labor Begins As A Hurricane Nears

06:52 - Triage Delays And No Progress

09:40 - Pitocin, Failed Epidural, And Panic

12:56 - The Second Epidural And Relief

14:52 - Water Breaks, One Push, Baby Kylie

17:11 - Processing Trauma And Control

20:39 - Positioning, Back Labor, And Insight

25:39 - Kaysen’s Birth During Early COVID

28:44 - Racing The Clock For An Epidural

33:38 - Fast Delivery And Labor Land

36:13 - Comparing Births Without Shame

39:09 - Postpartum Truths And Breastfeeding Strain

43:38 - Formula, Expectations, And Letting Go

47:05 - Do What Works For Your Family

52:16 - Find Your Village And Heal

WEBVTT

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Hello, today I have with me Erin Hall, a mom of two and part of the heart behind Bump and Beyond, a vibrant online community that connects families with resources, education, and a whole lot of encouragement from pregnancy through parenthood.

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Through Bump and Beyond, Erin helps families feel less alone and more empowered by creating spaces where they can learn, ask questions, and discover support they didn't even know existed.

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She's passionate about building community, sparking a love of reading in kids, and finding creative ways to make parenting feel a little more fun and a lot less overwhelming.

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Erin is also a paper pie vendor, sharing high-quality children's books and educational resources that inspire curiosity, creativity, and a lifelong love of learning.

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Whether she's hosting family-friendly events, stalking little free libraries, or cheering on her kids from the sidelines, she radiates the kind of encouragement every parent needs.

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Today, Erin is here to share her own birth stories, giving us a real and heartfelt glimpse into her journey into motherhood.

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Erin, welcome and thank you for joining me.

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Hey Kelly, thanks for having me on.

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I am so excited to finally hear your birth stories.

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It's been a long time coming.

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We've had little snippets of what happened, but I want to hear it all.

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Yeah.

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Well, gosh, I don't know.

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Where do you want me to start?

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I feel like the beginning would be good.

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The beginning.

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So I would assume we'd start with Kylie.

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Okay, so once upon a time, Brandon and I met and we got married.

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And then it was two or three days later, Kylie was conceived.

00:02:05.780 --> 00:02:06.500
Oh dear.

00:02:06.659 --> 00:02:09.620
Um, so honeymoon ended very fast.

00:02:10.500 --> 00:02:16.980
And we got married December, and I found out I was pregnant on my birthday, which is February 1st.

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So yeah, God has a way to make things slap you in the face real fast.

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And so in that process of pregnancy, it was very overwhelming.

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Brandon was leaving his job at the university, and I was working in the restaurant.

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We had to sell our house, we had to buy a house, and it was just it was a lot.

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So being pregnant was never fun for me.

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I always felt very large, and I still struggle with body image issues because getting pregnant so fast after my wedding.

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With my wedding, I was in amazing shape.

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And getting pregnant so fast, like my your body just doesn't go back how you think it should.

00:03:04.580 --> 00:03:13.460
And so that took probably until about I was pregnant with Kaysen, which was like three years later, where I was feeling okay, and then I got pregnant.

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So again, they just throw things at you, right?

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So fun.

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But for the birthing story itself with Kylie, we knew we wanted to do a hospital birth.

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And so we did the classes they offered.

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We thought we learned a whole lot, and uh turns out we learned pretty much nothing about what was actually going to happen.

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They did talk about having your birth plan, like the classes were actually really good.

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It was like eight weeks of classes, one night a week.

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It was a lot of information.

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So they went over things as a brand new mom.

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It would make you feel comfortable bringing a human into the world.

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They talked about having a birthing plan and having a plan B, C, and D, because things happen.

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And I just was like, no, I'm healthy, things are gonna be great.

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I want to go all natural.

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I was really into nutrition at that point.

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Uh, I still am, but I was really into nutrition at that point, and I was just like, I don't want any medicine in me unless it has to happen.

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And so that's kind of how we went.

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And here's a fun story for you that my Kylie always likes me to tell.

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So Kylie's due date was October 4th, and I had my checkup with the doctor, and she's like, You're three centimeters dialing, but ain't nothing happening.

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Like you're she's just hanging out, no contractions, nothing's going on.

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And so we went home, and that appointment was like 10 in the morning.

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So at night I was super uncomfortable, and I was like, I think something's going on, but you don't know, like until you're in the process of it, you have no idea what's happening.

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And so I was really uncomfortable.

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It was uncomfortable to lay down.

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So I decided to just sleep downstairs.

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And about three in the morning, I begged Brandon to come sleep with me because I was so uncomfortable downstairs, even in the chair, I couldn't sleep.

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And so this now we're in October 5th.

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But my I didn't know it at the time, but my contractions had started the day before.

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And fun fact, if you did not know, when hurricanes come through, it sends women into labor.

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I guess the air pressure when it changes, it's just like, okay, mom, it's time.

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And so there was a hurricane coming through in North Carolina.

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So the body was like, okay, we're getting this started.

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Well, Kylie didn't want to leave.

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And so she's just hanging out and the contractions are speeding up because we moved, we were almost an hour away from the hospital, which is funny to say because we live in a metropolitan area.

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But the hospital, my the birthing hospital I was gonna be at was gonna be, it's like it was like 55 minutes away.

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And so they were like, when your contractions hit seven minutes apart because we live so far away, but at five minutes apart, because I was like, I'm not gonna be sent home.

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That's not gonna happen.

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Then we decided to go.

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And that morning I was working, I was on my um big giant yoga ball, just bouncing while I was doing puzzles.

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So Brandon knows like babies are coming when I get like full-on puzzle mode, and I'm just knocking out like thousand-piece puzzles within a couple hours.

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So Brandon's always like, oh no, she's working on puzzles.

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What's happening?

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So, anyways, my contractions were five minutes apart, and then we decide to leave and go up to the hospital.

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Onto the way to the hospital, I'm having contractions.

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There's pressure, there's pain.

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And Brandon goes, Hey, we're probably gonna be in the hospital for a while, and you know, I'm not gonna be able to go get food.

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Can we stop by Chick-fil-A real quick?

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So we ran through the drive-thru of Chick-fil-A when I was having my contractions.

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I was in active labor.

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And so then we got to the hospital.

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They had it was a new birthing center.

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It was beautiful, and they put us into a triage room, which they only had three of.

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And we ended up being in triage for like six hours because so many women were coming in that needed to be seen before me.

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And I was still only three centimeters dilated, even having contractions.

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Like there was no nothing was doing.

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So they had me walk the hospital walls and I'm bouncing on yoga balls, and they're trying to do all the things, and nothing happened.

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So then finally, after the six hours, they moved me to a birthing suite.

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So this is still October 5th, but I'd been in labor at this point for 20 hours.

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And so I'm in the birthing suite.

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I don't, they're like, Do you want an epidural?

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I was like, No, I want to go all natural.

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Like, this is what God created, He created our bodies to be able to do this.

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And I was like, I can do this, I'm strong-willed.

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So we're in the birthing suite, and nothing is happening.

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And at that point with that hospital, they only had one doctor on duty.

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And so, because so many women were coming in to give birth, they had to send people away because there weren't any room.

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So we heard like horror stories later of like a lady got sent away and like she gave birth on the drive home.

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Just crazy things.

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And I was like, Well, thank God they let me stay.

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So we're in the birthing suite, and Brandon and I were, you know, we're doing our funny waddle dances and we're just doing everything we can to try to get Kylie to want to come.

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But the doctor would not break my water.

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I don't know why we didn't ask at the time, but that's definitely something in hindsight.

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I would be like, Why didn't you break my water at that point?

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Especially with my second child case and his water broke.

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And I was like, oh yeah, that pushed things along very quickly.

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So my water never broke with Kylie.

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But because I was getting so exhausted because I'd been in active labor for so long, it was probably like one or two in the morning of the 6th of October.

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And they finally came in and I was, I was done.

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I was exhausted.

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But at this point, I'm like, you know, my contractions are like three minutes apart, two minutes apart.

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So like things are moving, but Kylie's not going anywhere.

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I'm not dilated anymore to make anything special happen.

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And so they were like, Well, why don't we give you an epidural so at least your body can get a break?

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And then we'll give you pitocin to help speed along that labor.

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And I was like, Yeah, that's great.

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I'm done.

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Like, I'm done running this marathon up over it.

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And so they gave me the epidural and they gave me the pitocin.

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The pitocin worked very well.

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The epidural did not take.

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So I was feeling all the pain.

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And I didn't know better because I was like, because epidural was not a part of what my plan was, I they were like, oh, you should feel a tingling down your left side.

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And I thought I did, but apparently I didn't.

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And so with epidural not taking and the potosin did take, I felt like I was in the movie The Exorcist.

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Like my body's like bending in positions it should not physically be able to bend, especially when you're, you know, nine months pregnant.

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And Brandon, he would leave the room to be like, I'm gonna get you more ice chicks.

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And he would leave the room so he could like try to compose himself because he's like, I don't know what to do because they can't give me anything else.

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And then eventually the nurse walks in and I'm sitting up just like I am now, and she's like, What are you doing?

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I was like, I don't know that this is this is the only way I can be comfortable.

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Like, I don't know what's going on.

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And she's like, No, no, no, you physically should not be able to be sitting up right now.

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And I was like, Okay, like I didn't know because from the epidural, like you're paralyzed from the waist down.

00:11:08.980 --> 00:11:13.059
So she's like, You physically shouldn't be able to be sitting up like I was.

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And that's when we realized the epidural did not take.

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So they put in a call for the anesthesiologist to get another epidural in.

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And thankfully the shift had changed.

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So that was gonna be a new gentleman, but there was a wait because there are so many women giving birth.

00:11:29.299 --> 00:11:33.059
So I had to wait like two hours longer to get the epidural.

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And at this point, I think I was I think I was only five centimeters dilated at this point.

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But it's, I mean, we're going on like 30 hours, 32 hours of labor.

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And the Pitocin kicked in, so I had that on top of it.

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So lots of things happening.

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And so my contractions are 30 seconds apart when the anesthesiologist gets back in, and they're like, he's the best one in the state, he's amazing, he's really pretty to look at.

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And I was like, that's what I needed at that point.

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It did help, by the way.

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But uh, thank God for that guy because he came in because he has to do it between my contractions, and he stuck that dang, you know, ridiculously long needle in my back, one hit wonder, and he's like, You should feel a tingle down your left side.

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And then I felt I was like, I think I feel something.

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And then all of a sudden I was like, that's what it was supposed to feel like the first time.

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So then I knew the epidural had taken, and then I slept for five hours, like it passed out, like within seconds of that epidural taking.

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Like they just laid me down and I was out to the world.

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And within those five hours, the shift had changed for the doctors.

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So there was a new doctor there.

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And so when I woke up, the nurse went and got the doctor, and she was like, Oh, we came in and checked on you.

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I heard you had like the most horrendous night of your life.

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I was like, Yeah, I did.

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And she's like, You've progressed really well.

00:13:06.659 --> 00:13:14.019
And going back now and looking at it, that what I needed was to find a way for my body to calm.

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And so I love what you're doing with moms.

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And I really, for anybody watching this, Kelly was my babysitter growing up, but she was not doing this birth coaching when I was pregnant.

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If she was, I would have paid even my husband, he's like, we would have paid thousands of dollars to have Kelly come and walk us through that whole process.

00:13:36.980 --> 00:13:42.419
Because if we had Kelly there, she'd be like, if you're in this much pain, the epidural probably didn't work.

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Like we would have seen that right away.

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Why the nurses didn't notice that, I don't know.

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Until that point, I was so, like I said, I was living like exorcist life.

00:13:52.899 --> 00:13:54.740
Do you want to pause and talk through any of this?

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Because you've said a lot of things that were so I promised backstory.

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I promised that we would do some postpartum coaching in this episode.

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Because, like Aaron said, I wasn't there for any of the births.

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And for the past year that we've been working together since we reconnected after I babysat her when she was little.

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We've been talking about like, oh, would have been nice for me to be able to help you through this.

00:14:20.820 --> 00:14:25.779
So I've heard a couple of things that stand out as like question marks for you.

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I heard you say that your doctor didn't break your water.

00:14:30.179 --> 00:14:30.419
Yes.

00:14:30.659 --> 00:14:35.620
I heard you say that you was the pitocin started before or after your epidural?

00:14:36.019 --> 00:14:37.220
It was the same time.

00:14:37.620 --> 00:14:38.179
I see.

00:14:38.340 --> 00:14:41.620
So like they started it while they were putting in the epidural.

00:14:42.019 --> 00:14:46.899
Yeah, they put it because I was linked up to an IV at that point because I was already dehydrated.

00:14:47.220 --> 00:14:57.220
And so they I don't know if he did the epidural first and then they entered in the pitocin, but it was within the same session of them being in the room.

00:14:57.379 --> 00:14:57.700
Okay.

00:14:58.100 --> 00:15:05.539
As far as breaking your water, you said you were, were you three centimeters when you got to the hospital still?

00:15:05.779 --> 00:15:07.299
I was three when I got to the hospital.

00:15:07.379 --> 00:15:10.259
When they were giving me the epidural, I think I was at about five.

00:15:10.500 --> 00:15:10.820
Okay.

00:15:11.460 --> 00:15:28.899
So ordinarily, when we break someone's water, we have to make sure that the baby, the head needs to be down enough in the pelvis that when they break the water, they are relatively sure that the cord won't come down before the baby's head because that would be an emergency.

00:15:29.220 --> 00:15:40.419
So probably at three centimeters, when you're in natural labor, they may not have wanted to do that because I would assume that the baby's head wasn't far enough down.

00:15:40.659 --> 00:15:40.899
Sure.

00:15:41.139 --> 00:15:42.340
Yeah, that makes sense to me.

00:15:42.740 --> 00:15:42.899
Yeah.

00:15:43.059 --> 00:15:53.059
It was just to the point where they I don't know if they knew what to do with me until they realized that the epidural didn't take.

00:15:53.379 --> 00:16:04.740
Right, but like before the epidural, because that had they broken the water, let's pretend in a in this other alternate reality the baby's head was far enough down in your three centimeters.

00:16:04.899 --> 00:16:08.500
Um, had they broken the water, it would have gotten really, real, really fast.

00:16:08.659 --> 00:16:16.019
And as a first-time mom, that could put you set you out of control in pain, right?

00:16:16.340 --> 00:16:34.820
So I think there were a couple, I mean, there weren't red flags or little orange flags where without enough information, I would say, yeah, probably I wouldn't expect a provider to break your water, knowing that you know, three centimeters and natural labor, and I don't know what station diabetes head is.

00:16:34.980 --> 00:16:37.779
So those could have been the things that were playing into it.

00:16:38.019 --> 00:16:46.259
Normally, what we would have you do is like walk the halls, try to get labor going more, all of the things that you said to begin, which it doesn't help your pain at all.

00:16:47.539 --> 00:16:57.860
So I guess continuing the story of where I was at, so when the new doctor came in, once I had woken up after my five-hour nap, we had dilated more.

00:16:57.940 --> 00:16:58.340
Yeah.

00:16:58.659 --> 00:17:05.299
And at that point, she was like, Because you've dilated more, we're gonna go ahead and break the water if you're okay with that.

00:17:05.460 --> 00:17:07.700
And I was like, please get this thing out of me.

00:17:07.940 --> 00:17:11.139
And the baby, the thing mean the thing, the thinging.

00:17:12.900 --> 00:17:14.579
It could have been an alien at this point.

00:17:14.740 --> 00:17:15.299
I didn't care.

00:17:15.460 --> 00:17:16.579
You needed to go.

00:17:16.980 --> 00:17:26.019
So when the doctor broke the water, I mean, it was probably within 20 minutes, the nurse came and checked on me, and she's like, Don't push, I have to get the doctor.

00:17:26.259 --> 00:17:29.139
And then it was like one push and Kylie was out.

00:17:29.220 --> 00:17:29.380
Wow.

00:17:29.539 --> 00:17:31.539
And Kasen was totally the opposite.

00:17:31.779 --> 00:17:35.299
Where Casein, his water broke when we were at home.

00:17:35.539 --> 00:17:43.380
And so just knowing that, I mean, obviously I'm not a nurse, I did not go to school for that.

00:17:43.619 --> 00:17:48.500
I mean, I can't say I would change my story because it's mine and it's Kylie's.

00:17:48.740 --> 00:17:51.299
But when she broke the water, that's when everything happened.

00:17:51.539 --> 00:17:54.099
Is that's what I like is in my brain with the story.

00:17:54.259 --> 00:17:56.660
So it's like, why couldn't they just done that sooner?

00:17:57.059 --> 00:17:59.940
Like you said, I probably wasn't dilated enough.

00:18:00.180 --> 00:18:06.980
And I don't know what position Kylie was in because I was in so much pain, I wasn't thinking at that point.

00:18:07.140 --> 00:18:08.819
It was just like make it stop.

00:18:08.980 --> 00:18:09.619
Yeah.

00:18:10.019 --> 00:18:16.579
But then, you know, Kylie came, she had pooped on herself because she was in the birthing canal for so long.

00:18:17.380 --> 00:18:23.539
And so they cleaned her, and then Brandon got to hold her, and he she held his his big finger.

00:18:23.779 --> 00:18:24.819
It was really sweet.

00:18:25.299 --> 00:18:26.740
And then they're like, Do you want to hold her?

00:18:26.900 --> 00:18:28.259
And I'm like, I don't know.

00:18:29.059 --> 00:18:32.660
Cause at like at that point, I'm just like, I'm so out of it.

00:18:32.900 --> 00:18:33.220
Yeah.

00:18:33.380 --> 00:18:39.140
Like it was, it was just, it was very stressful, painful.

00:18:39.460 --> 00:18:42.579
I'm sure there are other people that have much worse stories than me.

00:18:42.819 --> 00:18:46.019
We didn't have to have a C-section, which is amazing.

00:18:46.180 --> 00:18:48.660
She didn't have to go to Nick Year, nothing like that happened.

00:18:48.819 --> 00:18:53.220
So that instance of our story with Kylie was amazing.

00:18:53.380 --> 00:18:55.220
Throughout the whole thing, we were both healthy.

00:18:55.460 --> 00:18:56.500
We both came out fine.

00:18:56.660 --> 00:18:59.859
She's great, she's almost nine, and I survived.

00:19:00.019 --> 00:19:01.460
That's what I get to say for that.

00:19:01.700 --> 00:19:02.900
Let's pause for a sec.

00:19:03.059 --> 00:19:03.380
Okay.

00:19:03.619 --> 00:19:07.059
Because there's still some unprocessed emotions there.

00:19:07.779 --> 00:19:19.299
Um so you told what I would consider a pretty traumatic story because what I define as trauma is your brain can't connect with what is happening to your body.

00:19:19.460 --> 00:19:21.859
Like your brain cannot explain it.

00:19:22.099 --> 00:19:26.980
And so I hear a lot of, oh my god, what is happening to me?

00:19:27.140 --> 00:19:28.500
My body is out of control.

00:19:28.740 --> 00:19:39.859
So I kind of want to I want to hear from you what parts were the hardest parts or the parts where you felt, you know, you described feeling like something from the exorcist.

00:19:40.099 --> 00:19:40.500
Yes.

00:19:40.740 --> 00:19:41.059
Right.

00:19:41.299 --> 00:19:46.500
Are there points in the story that you could go back and pinpoint that you need to work through?

00:19:46.900 --> 00:19:50.900
It would be the point up to where a nurse was like, How are you physically doing that?

00:19:51.140 --> 00:19:56.339
Because that's when the realization hit that the epidural did not take.

00:19:57.380 --> 00:20:01.059
And I guess it's something that could have been avoided.

00:20:01.299 --> 00:20:01.859
Potentially.

00:20:02.019 --> 00:20:06.900
I mean, if the epidural took the first time, then I wouldn't have been in that pain.

00:20:07.140 --> 00:20:07.779
Right.

00:20:08.740 --> 00:20:10.019
And but it didn't.

00:20:10.099 --> 00:20:12.180
And obviously, you can't change that.

00:20:12.339 --> 00:20:20.819
But that, I mean, that is definitely if I have PTSD over something, it's that excruciating pain from the Pitocin.

00:20:21.460 --> 00:20:25.940
If I went back, would I have let them give me Pitocin, knowing the epidural didn't take?

00:20:26.099 --> 00:20:26.420
I don't know.

00:20:26.579 --> 00:20:28.259
If the epidural took, the pitocin doesn't.

00:20:28.740 --> 00:20:31.859
Like it would have been an irrelevant thing, you know what I mean?

00:20:32.579 --> 00:20:32.819
Yeah.

00:20:32.980 --> 00:20:39.619
So I mean, that's definitely the point where it was just I'd been active labor for a long time at that point.

00:20:40.500 --> 00:20:43.220
And like you're just physically exhausted.

00:20:43.460 --> 00:20:43.859
Yeah.

00:20:44.099 --> 00:20:45.700
My brain was not functioning.

00:20:46.019 --> 00:20:46.339
No.

00:20:47.539 --> 00:20:52.740
I feel like what I'm hearing you say is your brain was trying to, and this is what women do.

00:20:52.900 --> 00:20:56.259
We gaslight ourselves into thinking that we're fine or we should be fine.

00:20:56.339 --> 00:20:57.539
So we need to see that.

00:20:57.940 --> 00:20:58.339
Right.

00:20:58.579 --> 00:21:02.099
And you and Brandon didn't know that everything was not fine.

00:21:02.259 --> 00:21:04.579
So how could you have said anything?

00:21:04.660 --> 00:21:10.420
Like you're in that pressure cooker, you know, like, you know, the frog in the hot water, it just gets hotter and hotter and hotter.

00:21:10.819 --> 00:22:15.870
And so all you were doing was coping, and the way that you were sitting was the only way that was comfortable.

00:22:15.950 --> 00:22:18.829
So you were trying to figure out how to cope in that situation.

00:22:19.230 --> 00:22:23.069
And then come to find out you potentially didn't need to.

00:22:23.230 --> 00:22:24.589
Is that what you kind of felt?

00:22:24.829 --> 00:22:24.990
Yeah.

00:22:25.069 --> 00:22:34.750
I mean, probably obviously the pain caused trauma, but it's probably more of the point where I wasn't in control of any of the situation.

00:22:36.269 --> 00:22:36.910
Yeah.

00:22:37.470 --> 00:22:39.789
That's probably where it stems from more.

00:22:40.269 --> 00:22:48.829
Was it do you feel like it was you didn't feel in control because you thought you had the epidural and you felt like there was nothing else that could be done?

00:22:49.470 --> 00:22:50.110
Maybe.

00:22:50.430 --> 00:22:50.750
Okay.

00:22:50.990 --> 00:22:53.870
And if you don't want to, if you don't want to dive deep right now, you don't have to.

00:22:54.110 --> 00:22:54.430
Oh, we can.

00:22:54.670 --> 00:23:05.069
I just there's so much of that time I don't remember, probably because my brain is like, we don't want you to.

00:23:05.470 --> 00:23:06.350
That's true.

00:23:06.509 --> 00:23:07.470
That's true.

00:23:07.789 --> 00:23:37.549
I find that if we can kind of pinpoint the time where we realize we didn't have to be as strong as we were, we can legitimize the feelings of being completely out of control or realize that what you went through was truly an intense, painful experience that most people would feel was traumatic, right?

00:23:37.870 --> 00:23:38.350
Right.

00:23:38.670 --> 00:23:44.430
Then we can kind of take a breath and realize okay, what I did was really hard.

00:23:44.750 --> 00:23:56.350
And I don't want to say we could go back and change it, but if you could go back and understand what was happening a little bit better, we can kind of alleviate some of that.

00:23:57.069 --> 00:24:01.630
So you were saying that your body was doing things that you normally wouldn't do.

00:24:01.710 --> 00:24:05.549
Like you were moving in in ways that were not natural for you.

00:24:05.710 --> 00:24:09.710
And then you finally managed to settle on sitting straight up.

00:24:10.589 --> 00:24:16.670
So what you were doing, although like with the pitocin, if you're having contractions every 30 seconds, that's really hard, right?

00:24:16.990 --> 00:24:23.549
But what you were doing was you were probably moving your baby down in your pelvis, honestly, because let me try to piece it together.

00:24:23.710 --> 00:24:29.470
I don't know if you like have a complete timeline, but did they check your cervix before you got the second epidural?

00:24:29.710 --> 00:24:31.309
I don't recall them doing it.

00:24:31.549 --> 00:24:31.870
Okay.

00:24:32.750 --> 00:24:43.950
So what we do when we're moving around in labor is we try to move with our body so that we alleviate pressure and pain.

00:24:44.190 --> 00:24:51.710
And while that sounds horrific, and in your situation, I think it probably was, what we're doing is we're working with our baby.

00:24:51.950 --> 00:24:58.350
So you have a baby that's pushing on the bones of your pelvis and trying to work her way down.

00:24:58.750 --> 00:25:06.910
And as you have a contraction, your baby's head is moving to one side or the other, or twisting and rotating, or doing all of the above.

00:25:07.069 --> 00:25:13.789
And as you feel that there's a place of pressure where your baby's pushing, that's probably going to be an obstacle for your baby.

00:25:13.870 --> 00:25:17.309
So then you move so that you can kind of get out of the way of that obstacle.

00:25:17.549 --> 00:25:23.069
And as you're doing so, you're pushing your baby down in your body to make it so that your baby can be born.

00:25:23.230 --> 00:25:32.910
So when you say that you were bending in ways that you normally couldn't, yes, you're probably doing things more exaggerated than what we would be doing in natural labor, right?

00:25:32.990 --> 00:25:34.110
Because you had the Pitocin going.

00:25:34.589 --> 00:25:36.990
And that's not to say that Pitocin always does that.

00:25:37.069 --> 00:25:42.029
It sounds like if you're having contractions every 30 seconds, it might have been a little bit too much Pitocin.

00:25:42.269 --> 00:25:43.950
They probably could have backed off at that point.

00:25:44.190 --> 00:25:52.910
But the fact that you found ways to try to figure out how to get comfortable, you were doing all the things that I would have had you do had I been there, right?

00:25:52.990 --> 00:25:54.670
You were just doing them instinctually.

00:25:54.829 --> 00:25:55.870
You're listening to your body.

00:25:56.029 --> 00:26:03.470
So I just want you to know that while you felt like you weren't able to cope, that's exactly what you're doing.

00:26:03.789 --> 00:26:08.029
And you were helping your baby move down, right?

00:26:08.589 --> 00:26:14.589
And what your husband was doing, what Brandon was doing, was composing himself so that he could be there for you.

00:26:14.750 --> 00:26:18.829
So you guys were really doing everything you needed to do with the knowledge that you had.

00:26:18.990 --> 00:26:23.870
And so I just want you to know how great you did, despite feeling completely out of control.

00:26:24.190 --> 00:26:30.110
You were completely in the moment, using all of your instincts and doing the absolute right thing.

00:26:30.269 --> 00:26:37.470
And then when somebody came in and validated your feelings and realized that what had happened was your epidural wasn't working, you'd already done all the work.

00:26:37.549 --> 00:26:40.269
And then you got to take a nap and your baby was ready to come out.

00:26:40.430 --> 00:26:43.230
So I don't know if it was the relaxation that helped.

00:26:43.309 --> 00:26:44.190
I mean, that does help.

00:26:44.269 --> 00:26:51.630
It helps you, you know, relax your muscles, but I think you probably did a lot of that work moving around and trying to get your baby in the right position.

00:26:51.710 --> 00:26:53.150
Does that feel any better?

00:26:53.470 --> 00:26:53.870
Yeah.

00:26:54.269 --> 00:26:55.789
Because I can cry.

00:26:58.029 --> 00:26:59.309
I told you not to make me cry.

00:26:59.710 --> 00:27:01.630
I'm sorry, I told you I guaranteed I would.

00:27:01.789 --> 00:27:02.110
Yeah.

00:27:02.430 --> 00:27:09.069
So when you said that Brandon held Kylie and you weren't sure if you could, what were you feeling at that point?

00:27:09.390 --> 00:27:15.549
Oh, I was it's I joke about it, but it was more I wanted to hold her.

00:27:15.710 --> 00:27:16.190
Yeah.

00:27:17.630 --> 00:27:31.390
So there's probably some jealousy that he got to hold her first because they had a cleaner, and I did not want to hold a pooping baby or a baby covered in poop.

00:27:31.950 --> 00:27:33.470
I'm glad he got to.

00:27:34.190 --> 00:27:36.350
And I did get to hold her, and it was beautiful.

00:27:36.589 --> 00:27:39.710
And then we can go into a whole nother thing about breastfeeding.

00:27:40.589 --> 00:27:43.150
But it was hard.

00:27:44.190 --> 00:27:45.710
What was hard about it?

00:27:47.150 --> 00:27:49.470
Does it sound stupid if I say I don't know now?

00:27:50.110 --> 00:27:50.430
No.

00:27:51.789 --> 00:27:58.110
I mean, I think it's the it was the not knowing and not having control of the situation.

00:27:58.910 --> 00:27:59.950
That's hard to give up.

00:28:00.110 --> 00:28:13.950
I'm actually really good at adjusting to things, but I think the I don't know if anybody could have prepared for what happened to happen.

00:28:14.190 --> 00:28:14.430
Right.

00:28:14.670 --> 00:28:24.750
So I can't say, oh, if I had, you know, learned more about it, or oh, sometimes the epidural doesn't take, then I didn't know that that could be a thing.

00:28:24.990 --> 00:28:26.509
Do you feel like you did something wrong?

00:28:26.670 --> 00:30:44.040
I mean, we say you need plant A through Z, but really, how do you plan?

00:30:44.280 --> 00:30:44.920
Right.

00:30:45.240 --> 00:30:45.880
Right.

00:30:46.360 --> 00:30:48.360
I hear you saying a lot about control.

00:30:48.600 --> 00:30:54.040
Is it the fact that you felt out of control when you felt that you needed to be in control that's the hardest?

00:30:54.440 --> 00:30:55.160
Probably.

00:30:55.320 --> 00:30:56.920
Because it didn't follow my plan.

00:30:57.080 --> 00:30:59.240
It didn't follow what I want to have happen.

00:30:59.640 --> 00:31:00.920
The plan that you didn't have.

00:31:01.160 --> 00:31:01.560
Exactly.

00:31:01.720 --> 00:31:10.840
Well, we had a plan that was gonna go all natural, and everything was gonna be great, and we were gonna bounce on my ball, and we were gonna do our silly pregnancy dance.

00:31:11.000 --> 00:31:19.800
And so I feel like birth is kind of the first welcome into motherhood and what it's really gonna be like.

00:31:20.120 --> 00:31:20.759
Yeah.

00:31:21.240 --> 00:31:24.280
That whole I'm actually not in control.

00:31:24.680 --> 00:31:25.320
Yes.

00:31:25.560 --> 00:31:29.320
And I know you deal with that daily, right?

00:31:29.560 --> 00:31:30.200
Yes.

00:31:30.759 --> 00:31:35.400
Children are fun, they are, and you roll with the punches there.

00:31:35.480 --> 00:31:37.320
And do you feel like you're really in control?

00:31:37.560 --> 00:31:38.840
No, okay.

00:31:39.160 --> 00:31:41.560
I feel like I have a resemblance of control.

00:31:41.960 --> 00:31:46.680
You can respond to the situation without feeling you're physically out of control.

00:31:47.080 --> 00:31:47.560
Yes.

00:31:47.800 --> 00:31:49.960
And you didn't feel that way during your birth.

00:31:50.600 --> 00:31:51.320
Correct.

00:31:51.640 --> 00:31:51.960
Okay.

00:31:52.440 --> 00:32:04.440
So from my perspective, I feel like you had a lot more control than you think you did because of all the things you did instinctually in order to help your baby come out.

00:32:04.759 --> 00:32:06.360
Does that make sense?

00:32:06.759 --> 00:32:09.320
It definitely makes me feel better.

00:32:09.560 --> 00:32:09.880
Okay.

00:32:10.440 --> 00:32:12.280
About everything that did happen.

00:32:12.440 --> 00:32:20.120
I mean, Kylie's almost nine, and I never would have thought my body was moving in ways to make her shift to where she needed to be.

00:32:20.280 --> 00:32:23.240
So it definitely makes me feel better about that.

00:32:23.560 --> 00:32:29.160
I mean, this the fact that you she broke your water and they had to tell you not to push.

00:32:29.480 --> 00:32:30.120
Right.

00:32:30.680 --> 00:32:32.920
That tells me that you did a lot of work.

00:32:33.160 --> 00:32:34.280
I did a lot of something.

00:32:34.759 --> 00:32:36.360
You did a lot of work.

00:32:37.560 --> 00:32:39.480
And then you got a well-deserved nap.

00:32:39.880 --> 00:32:41.000
It was a much needed nap.

00:32:41.320 --> 00:32:41.640
Yeah.

00:32:41.880 --> 00:32:46.360
And then after all of that, they cleaned her off and gave her to Brandon.

00:32:46.519 --> 00:32:48.040
Did were they doing anything with you?

00:32:48.200 --> 00:32:50.360
Did you at all feel like you physically couldn't hold her?

00:32:50.680 --> 00:32:53.560
Oh, well, no, they I couldn't hold her right away.

00:32:53.640 --> 00:32:54.519
They had to stitch me up.

00:32:54.680 --> 00:32:55.000
Yeah.

00:32:55.160 --> 00:32:56.200
I was very torn.

00:32:56.440 --> 00:32:56.680
Yeah.

00:32:57.800 --> 00:32:59.000
So they had to stitch me up.

00:32:59.160 --> 00:33:03.960
So they didn't want me while they were doing that, they didn't want me to hold her.

00:33:04.120 --> 00:33:09.000
And then afterwards, once you were like all cleaned up and everything, you had a chance.

00:33:09.320 --> 00:33:09.640
Yes.

00:33:09.880 --> 00:33:11.080
Then I got to hold her.

00:33:11.320 --> 00:33:17.160
So seeing that Kylie is now nine and just kind of thinking back to practices back then.

00:33:17.640 --> 00:33:22.280
I feel like, and this was kind of the way of it when um my daughter was born.

00:33:22.519 --> 00:33:30.040
It wasn't standard to do immediate skin to skin with mom while the repair was happening.

00:33:30.360 --> 00:33:36.840
It wasn't until I feel like it became much more standard like five years ago now.

00:33:37.400 --> 00:33:38.920
Because my youngest is six.

00:33:39.240 --> 00:33:43.960
It was probably three or four years after that that it really started becoming standard.

00:33:44.040 --> 00:33:48.600
Because I worked at other hospitals after my son was born.

00:33:48.920 --> 00:33:52.920
And they still weren't fully doing like the golden hour skin to skin.

00:33:53.160 --> 00:33:57.800
So unfortunately, it was probably just the standard of practice back then.

00:33:58.120 --> 00:34:06.920
Now, if you have a baby, I feel like more hospitals are understanding the benefits of immediate skin to skin for one hour and will help you hold your baby.

00:34:07.080 --> 00:34:13.239
And then if you state that you don't feel like you can, they'll help you, or they'll find somebody else to do the skin to skin.

00:34:13.320 --> 00:34:14.759
Like it sounds like they did with Brandon.

00:34:14.920 --> 00:34:18.039
Also, people don't like necessarily like holding poop in the page.

00:34:18.360 --> 00:34:19.480
I didn't want poop on me.

00:34:19.559 --> 00:34:21.639
I think that's when I did it anyway.

00:34:21.719 --> 00:34:21.800
Right.

00:34:21.880 --> 00:34:22.039
Yeah.

00:34:22.440 --> 00:34:25.480
I wasn't gonna be able to shower right away.

00:34:25.800 --> 00:34:29.159
So it's I understand why I didn't get her right away.

00:34:29.800 --> 00:34:30.360
If that makes sense.

00:34:30.519 --> 00:34:34.920
Was it because you stated that you didn't want her or because they were like, let's take a moment?

00:34:35.320 --> 00:34:38.599
I think it was more let's take a moment, we'd let's get her cleaned off.

00:34:39.400 --> 00:34:41.159
And Brandon was he was there.

00:34:41.320 --> 00:34:41.639
Yeah.

00:34:41.880 --> 00:34:45.239
You know, and then they had to stitch me up in the afterbirth and all that stuff.

00:34:45.320 --> 00:34:50.759
So I've definitely worked in places where there was still that, I don't even know what to call it.

00:34:50.840 --> 00:34:57.480
Like I'm gonna say patriarchal, but maybe not, but almost like talking down to moms and telling them what they want and what they need.

00:34:57.719 --> 00:35:02.039
I feel like I've worked in places where that was the standard for a long time.

00:35:02.440 --> 00:35:06.920
And I don't know if the culture is shifting yet, but I'm trying to help it shift.

00:35:07.159 --> 00:35:07.800
Right.

00:35:08.440 --> 00:35:11.000
Like you when you know better, you do better.

00:35:11.079 --> 00:35:36.199
And I feel like I have consciously tried to remove that type of communication from my standard practice and ask moms what they wanted because I don't know that we really had a handle on what kind of negative emotions linger after we do things like that, where we say, I'm gonna take your baby and I'm going to clean your baby up.

00:35:36.440 --> 00:35:41.639
Even if that's kind of part of what you wanted, still that you weren't asked, right.

00:35:41.960 --> 00:35:43.159
Still feels out of control.

00:35:43.400 --> 00:35:44.599
Yeah, I can see that.

00:35:44.759 --> 00:35:46.840
I mean, I didn't want to hold a poopy baby.

00:35:47.000 --> 00:35:47.639
Right.

00:35:47.880 --> 00:35:52.360
But I guess not having the option, even if I would have said no, no, no, clean her up.

00:35:52.519 --> 00:35:55.320
But again, I was maybe they did ask me.

00:35:55.559 --> 00:35:57.079
I don't remember.

00:35:57.639 --> 00:36:02.280
And then there might have been kind of a disappointment in yourself or not feeling able.

00:36:02.519 --> 00:36:02.840
Right.

00:36:03.079 --> 00:36:03.639
Yeah.

00:36:03.880 --> 00:36:04.920
I feel all of that.

00:36:05.159 --> 00:36:11.719
That happened when Kayla was born as well, because the doctor told me to reach down and take her, but she was floppy and blue.

00:36:11.800 --> 00:36:13.400
She just felt like a sack of jello.

00:36:13.880 --> 00:36:17.239
I was like, I can't hold this baby.

00:36:17.400 --> 00:36:19.880
Please take her to the team that's over there.

00:36:20.039 --> 00:36:23.399
And then I had all these emotions about like, why couldn't I hold my baby?

00:36:23.639 --> 00:36:28.119
And why didn't she ask me if I wanted to reach down and grab her?

00:36:28.199 --> 00:36:29.959
Because I didn't feel strong enough to do that.

00:36:30.119 --> 00:36:32.519
And then should I have been strong enough to do that?

00:36:32.679 --> 00:36:34.759
And all of those questions come up.

00:36:34.999 --> 00:36:43.719
And it's such an incredibly vulnerable moment when you're first meeting your child that it's so easy to feel like you've done something wrong.

00:36:43.879 --> 00:36:46.119
And that sticks with you for a long time.

00:36:46.279 --> 00:36:54.919
And it's not necessarily, I don't want to fault the medical community because we're still trying to figure out how to navigate that, because everybody's gonna have different feelings.

00:36:55.079 --> 00:37:13.079
But I just want moms out there to know that it's okay to really work through that and forgive yourself for feeling not as strong as you wanted to in that moment and for reacting in the only way that you know how, because you really do need you really do need support in that moment.

00:37:13.159 --> 00:37:22.039
And if you're handing your baby off to someone because you don't feel capable, or if you don't want poop all over your body, you know, it's it's okay.

00:37:22.599 --> 00:37:26.599
Right, it's okay to feel vulnerable and outside of your comfort zone.

00:37:26.839 --> 00:37:31.239
For you specifically, your comfort zone was having poop all over you, and that's completely understandable.

00:37:31.319 --> 00:37:32.039
That's gross.

00:37:32.199 --> 00:37:34.119
You already feel completely exposed.

00:37:34.359 --> 00:37:36.679
There's somebody down there sewing everything up.

00:37:36.839 --> 00:37:40.919
Yeah, you're you've probably been naked and sweaty and all those things.

00:37:41.079 --> 00:37:45.799
And to have one more thing on top of you covered in poop, like, come on.

00:37:46.119 --> 00:37:46.839
Hard pants.

00:37:48.199 --> 00:37:49.079
I'm good, thank you.

00:37:49.399 --> 00:37:50.999
That's really hard, yeah.

00:37:51.319 --> 00:37:53.879
But I understand like the feeling of disappointment.

00:37:53.959 --> 00:37:56.919
Like, what I don't get to hold my baby, it's that's rough.

00:37:57.159 --> 00:37:59.399
Yeah, moms, it's not like what they show in movies.

00:37:59.639 --> 00:38:00.279
It really isn't.

00:38:00.439 --> 00:38:02.439
There's so much going on in that moment.

00:38:02.759 --> 00:38:05.559
Okay, so then it sounds like Kaysen was completely different.

00:38:05.639 --> 00:38:06.519
What was going on there?

00:38:06.759 --> 00:38:08.599
Kaysen was completely different.

00:38:08.919 --> 00:38:13.639
So with him, I woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

00:38:13.799 --> 00:38:17.639
And then when I was walking back to the bed, I was like, Oh, I just peed myself.

00:38:17.799 --> 00:38:20.199
And I was like, but I I just went to the bathroom.

00:38:20.359 --> 00:38:24.679
And I was like, wait, maybe that's my water breaking.

00:38:25.639 --> 00:38:32.119
So I woke up, Brandon, and I was like, either my water just broke or I just peed on myself after I already went to the bathroom.

00:38:32.279 --> 00:38:34.519
And so he was like, I'm gonna Google it.

00:38:34.759 --> 00:38:40.039
But I called the nurse hotline and then they asked, like, is it clear and odorless?

00:38:40.119 --> 00:38:43.319
And I was like, Well, it's on my carpet, so I can't really tell.

00:38:43.559 --> 00:38:46.519
And they're like, It probably was your water breaking.

00:38:46.679 --> 00:38:47.959
Go ahead and come in.

00:38:48.199 --> 00:38:58.359
And my best friend was my next door neighbor, and so I called Kat and I said, My water just broke, so they're having us going to the hospital.

00:38:58.599 --> 00:39:02.759
And she tells the story of like, oh, Harry Potter was ringing.

00:39:02.919 --> 00:39:05.079
That was my ringtone, Harry Potter.

00:39:05.239 --> 00:39:07.319
So she was like, What is that noise?

00:39:07.399 --> 00:39:08.359
This is the weirdest dream.

00:39:08.439 --> 00:39:10.839
And she was like, Aaron's in labor.

00:39:10.999 --> 00:39:12.999
So she woke up real fast and came over.

00:39:13.079 --> 00:39:18.119
It was like three in the morning when she came over because she was there to watch Kylie for us.

00:39:18.279 --> 00:39:26.599
So we drove to the hospital, and I definitely it was so different from Kylie because with the water breaking, I felt all that pressure right away.

00:39:26.839 --> 00:39:32.599
Where before with Kylie, it was just like the squeezing, like something's going on.

00:39:32.759 --> 00:39:39.959
I don't know what it is, but once the water broke, I was like, oh, that is like solid pressure happening down there.

00:39:40.119 --> 00:39:43.639
Things are going down and stuff's going on.

00:39:43.879 --> 00:39:48.839
So that's probably in comparison of the two, where I'm like, why didn't they break my water earlier?

00:39:49.159 --> 00:39:55.079
It's because with Kaysen, the water broke on its own and I could tell stuff was happening.

00:39:55.319 --> 00:39:59.559
Where with Kylie, they broke it, and then it was like, oh boom, baby.

00:40:00.279 --> 00:40:00.759
There.

00:40:00.999 --> 00:40:07.719
So that's probably where I feel like that disconnect between the the woulda, coulda, shoulda, looking back.

00:40:07.879 --> 00:40:12.119
So with Kaysen, we got to the hospital and they put us in triage.

00:40:12.199 --> 00:40:14.199
It was a different hospital than the one with Kylie.

00:40:14.359 --> 00:40:15.399
This is the crazy thing.

00:40:15.559 --> 00:40:28.199
Well, there are two crazy parts of Kaysen's story, but the triage was open, so it was just the sliding curtains between the moms, and it was early March of 2020.

00:40:28.359 --> 00:40:31.159
So it was March 2nd, the day he was born.

00:40:31.319 --> 00:40:32.679
At this point, it's four in the morning.

00:40:32.759 --> 00:40:36.519
They're like, hey, we're just gonna keep you in triage because there's moms coming in with a lot of breathing problems.

00:40:36.759 --> 00:40:41.799
Side note, there was a hurricane that was coming through in March of that year, also.

00:40:42.119 --> 00:40:44.919
So it's sending a lot of it was probably a tropical storm.

00:40:44.999 --> 00:40:49.639
It wasn't a hurricane, but it was sending a lot of women into labor and they were having breathing problems.

00:40:49.719 --> 00:40:56.039
So we didn't know it at the time because they just thought they had the precautions for the flu up, like you could only have one person in the room.

00:40:56.279 --> 00:40:58.759
Children were not allowed anywhere upstairs.

00:40:58.999 --> 00:41:01.479
They had all those things in place for the flu.

00:41:01.879 --> 00:41:04.439
But turns out it wasn't the flu, it was COVID.

00:41:04.599 --> 00:41:08.599
So all these women with breathing problems had COVID are just walking by.

00:41:08.839 --> 00:41:09.559
Oh my gosh.

00:41:09.719 --> 00:41:10.279
No big deal.

00:41:10.359 --> 00:41:11.159
But we didn't know.

00:41:11.479 --> 00:41:13.959
You know, lockdown didn't happen for two more weeks.

00:41:14.199 --> 00:41:18.679
So looking back, it was like, oh, that could have been a lot worse than what it was.

00:41:18.919 --> 00:41:26.199
So we were in triage, and because I wasn't at risk for anything, they just let me stay there.

00:41:26.599 --> 00:41:29.639
I don't remember a lot of that point.

00:41:29.799 --> 00:41:35.479
I did, I do remember telling them when I came in that I wanted an epidural because I didn't want the pain again.

00:41:36.039 --> 00:41:38.839
So I'm in triage and they're checking on me occasionally.

00:41:38.919 --> 00:41:40.679
But I don't, like I said, it was early in the morning.

00:41:40.759 --> 00:41:41.719
I thought I fell back asleep.

00:41:41.879 --> 00:41:44.999
Brandon's like, no, you were awake and we were talking the whole time.

00:41:45.239 --> 00:41:46.999
I don't remember any of it.

00:41:47.159 --> 00:41:50.999
So it clearly wasn't very compelling conversations with my husband.

00:41:51.079 --> 00:41:55.639
But then the nurse finally came in and checked, and she was like, Oh, you want an epidural?

00:41:55.719 --> 00:41:56.759
We gotta go.

00:41:56.999 --> 00:42:04.439
Because I was to almost to the point dilation where it was like to the point of no return where I would not be able to have the epidural.

00:42:04.919 --> 00:42:13.719
And so they got the wheelchair and they moved me up to the burling suite, and they came in to do the epidural right away.

00:42:13.879 --> 00:42:26.759
What I remember about that was the anesthesiologist was training somebody else, and she had to poke my back about six times to get the needle in.

00:42:26.839 --> 00:42:30.039
And she was like, I need you to do a C curve on your back.

00:42:30.199 --> 00:42:33.799
And I'm like, I am, and she's like, You're not.

00:42:33.959 --> 00:42:35.159
And I was like, I am.

00:42:35.319 --> 00:42:39.959
And so I eventually I was probably pretty rude to the nurse, but I was getting very frustrated.

00:42:40.039 --> 00:42:52.279
And I just told the nurse, just move me where I need to go, because I thought I was rounding my shoulders and doing the curve, and I'm like, and there's this big baby in my belly, a nice, you know, almost nine-pounder.

00:42:52.759 --> 00:42:55.319
And I'm like, I can't physically move that way.

00:42:55.479 --> 00:42:58.599
And so I just told the nurse, like, move me where you need me to move me.

00:42:58.759 --> 00:43:01.799
And so she did, and then they got the epidural in.

00:43:01.879 --> 00:43:03.479
It did take right away.

00:43:03.719 --> 00:43:06.999
They just had to poke me many times for it.

00:43:07.159 --> 00:43:12.279
And then once the epidural took, I mean, it was, you know, two pushes.

00:43:12.439 --> 00:43:16.439
I remember the epidural taking, and I remember like laying down and being calm.

00:43:16.519 --> 00:43:19.479
So I probably were just hanging out watching TV.

00:43:19.559 --> 00:43:20.359
I don't remember.

00:43:20.519 --> 00:43:24.199
Like, that is gone from me once the epidural took.

00:43:24.439 --> 00:43:30.199
And then the nurse told me the doctor's the doctor's gonna come in because it's about time.

00:43:30.359 --> 00:43:37.719
And they said he's gorgeous and he has these really, really blue eyes, like blue eyes, like this color, like really, really pretty blue.

00:43:37.879 --> 00:43:39.159
And my husband is like, why?

00:43:39.559 --> 00:43:42.359
We always have to have the handsome doctors coming.

00:43:43.319 --> 00:43:53.239
So I do remember when the doctors, you know, you're you're spread wide open and he's down there, and as he's got blue, blue eyes, and I was like, You are really pretty.

00:43:54.679 --> 00:43:55.959
Did you actually say that to him?

00:43:56.119 --> 00:43:56.439
Yeah.

00:43:57.719 --> 00:43:58.679
He was that pretty.

00:43:58.919 --> 00:43:59.159
Yeah.

00:43:59.319 --> 00:44:05.079
And the nurse, the nurse was laughing, but the nurse was like, Don't worry, like talking to Brain, don't worry, husband.

00:44:05.159 --> 00:44:07.239
He has six kids, he's happily married.

00:44:07.399 --> 00:44:10.039
And so just a little eye candy to help you out.

00:44:10.199 --> 00:44:11.159
Yes, absolutely.

00:44:11.319 --> 00:44:15.479
I mean, who knew you just needed an attractive man to calm me down?

00:44:15.719 --> 00:44:16.679
Sorry, husband.

00:44:17.079 --> 00:44:18.359
You're the one that did this to me.

00:44:18.919 --> 00:44:19.079
Yeah.

00:44:19.159 --> 00:44:19.399
Okay.

00:44:19.639 --> 00:44:22.919
So you got your epidural and then like one push.

00:44:23.159 --> 00:44:25.239
I don't, I don't remember anything after that.

00:44:25.399 --> 00:44:33.079
I'm sure there was an hour or something between, but it was like once the epidural took, then it was just very, I didn't feel anything.

00:44:33.159 --> 00:44:34.119
So it was just happening.

00:44:34.199 --> 00:44:36.759
And then it was like Casein was like two pushes.

00:44:37.079 --> 00:44:40.199
So you were, I hear you're glossing over the hard part.

00:44:40.279 --> 00:44:41.079
What's going on there?

00:44:41.239 --> 00:44:41.639
I don't know.

00:44:41.719 --> 00:44:44.039
I don't was there a hard part for that one?

00:44:44.279 --> 00:44:48.839
With case in the hard part was her stabbing my back with the epidural.

00:44:49.399 --> 00:44:51.239
But that's what I remember.

00:44:51.559 --> 00:44:51.799
Right.

00:44:51.959 --> 00:44:52.279
Okay.

00:44:52.519 --> 00:45:03.079
So all I can think is that probably casein was moving down in your pelvis sooner, which caused your water to break naturally.

00:45:03.399 --> 00:45:03.719
Right.

00:45:03.959 --> 00:45:11.319
Which caused you to have those real labor-y contractions, like where they're really doing the thing and you're feeling the pressure.

00:45:12.439 --> 00:45:21.239
But I also hear you saying that you didn't feel like you're in, I don't want to say you weren't in as much pain, but it wasn't as like out of control.

00:45:21.639 --> 00:45:24.839
It was definitely not as out of control as Kylie's.

00:45:25.239 --> 00:45:31.319
Can you like are you able to kind of go into your body and compare the two?

00:45:31.559 --> 00:45:35.959
I mean, in comparison, Kylie's was much more traumatic than Kaysen's.

00:45:36.199 --> 00:45:39.159
But you were no you were noticing the contractions felt different.

00:45:39.399 --> 00:45:43.639
You felt immediately that pressure and that moving down in the pelvis.

00:45:44.039 --> 00:45:44.359
Yes.

00:45:44.599 --> 00:45:45.959
Did you not feel that with Kylie?

00:45:46.119 --> 00:45:46.279
No.

00:45:46.519 --> 00:45:48.999
Because you recognized it when you felt it with Kaysen.

00:45:49.159 --> 00:45:52.359
Oh, I don't remember feeling anything like what I felt with Kaysen.

00:45:52.679 --> 00:48:11.219
Because once the epidural took, I didn't like there was I mean, it'd be like, I feel this happening.

00:48:11.619 --> 00:48:12.259
Got it, got it.

00:48:12.419 --> 00:48:16.579
But with weak, then I felt that with Kylie after the epidural took.

00:48:17.059 --> 00:48:17.699
That's what I felt.

00:48:17.779 --> 00:48:19.459
Because it was I didn't feel anything.

00:48:20.019 --> 00:48:20.899
You just felt the pressure.

00:48:21.059 --> 00:48:26.099
I just felt like there's something, but I didn't, it wasn't pain at that point.

00:48:26.339 --> 00:48:27.939
And then what was it like with Kaysen?

00:48:28.179 --> 00:48:32.019
With Kaysen, there was I wouldn't say there was pain, there was a lot of pressure.

00:48:32.179 --> 00:48:34.819
And I I mean I felt that in the car ride over.

00:48:34.979 --> 00:48:40.579
And I was like, oh, like this is different than what happened with Kylie, because I never felt that with Kylie.

00:48:40.739 --> 00:48:44.339
But d do you remember what you did feel like where in your body you felt it?

00:48:44.659 --> 00:48:45.299
The pressure?

00:48:47.699 --> 00:48:48.579
Oh, with Kylie?

00:48:48.819 --> 00:48:58.339
I mean, I guess like the I don't know if I can find I mean, I guess it was like it would have been my lower back, maybe there was a lot of pain.

00:48:58.499 --> 00:49:00.659
I just remember there was so much pain.

00:49:00.819 --> 00:49:01.139
Yeah.

00:49:01.459 --> 00:49:09.699
But before they had given me the Pitocin, it was my lower back that was hurting a lot.

00:49:10.579 --> 00:49:13.779
Other than that, it was just like and then it was out of control with potato.

00:49:14.099 --> 00:49:14.419
Yeah.

00:49:15.059 --> 00:49:21.379
So lower back pain usually indicates that the baby is what we call OP, which is basically stunning side up.

00:49:21.699 --> 00:49:23.059
Do you remember how she came out?

00:49:23.699 --> 00:49:24.499
She was head first.

00:49:24.819 --> 00:49:29.379
Right, but like was her face up towards the ceiling or down, or did they tell you?

00:49:29.779 --> 00:49:31.139
They I don't know if they even told me.

00:49:31.299 --> 00:49:31.539
Yeah.

00:49:31.699 --> 00:49:32.099
I don't know.

00:49:32.419 --> 00:49:37.699
That is a really awkward way for your baby to come out because you want your baby to be facing the floor.

00:49:37.859 --> 00:49:44.019
If you're if you're which I don't recommend, don't lay on your back to try to have a baby, don't stay on your back.

00:49:44.099 --> 00:49:54.659
However, if you're on your back and your baby is facing down, and usually your baby is either one side or the other, but like facing down, not straight through.

00:49:54.819 --> 00:49:57.379
You don't want a baby going straight through your pelvis because there's not enough room.

00:49:57.539 --> 00:49:58.979
Your pelvis is like this, right?

00:49:59.059 --> 00:50:01.939
So you want your baby to kind of go that way or that way.

00:50:02.099 --> 00:50:10.659
The most common position is like your left side interior, like up, but facing down.

00:50:11.299 --> 00:50:14.979
That way usually helps your baby get through the pelvis a little bit better.

00:50:15.219 --> 00:50:30.899
It sounds like Kylie was just face up, and so that would explain why you had to do so much maneuvering and it was so uncomfortable because she probably wasn't really in your pelvis until you were able to like sit up and get comfortable.

00:50:31.299 --> 00:50:31.779
Right.

00:50:32.259 --> 00:50:38.899
And then your you got you had your epidural, and then did they move you at all after your epidural?

00:50:39.139 --> 00:50:39.779
I don't recall.

00:50:40.019 --> 00:50:40.339
Okay.

00:50:40.979 --> 00:50:51.859
So I would imagine that that's what the pain came from versus with Casein, he was probably in position, your water broke, and he started to just kind of hey buddy moving through your pelvis.

00:50:52.099 --> 00:50:52.979
Good job, by the way.

00:50:53.459 --> 00:50:54.419
Congratulations.

00:50:56.979 --> 00:50:58.419
I figured that bumping.

00:50:58.739 --> 00:51:00.179
Oh, can you tell me real fast?

00:51:00.419 --> 00:51:07.219
Um, so Genu, um, he's still alive in the next scene, but he's a ghost.

00:51:07.459 --> 00:51:09.459
Oh my goodness, that's crazy.

00:51:10.179 --> 00:51:12.819
Have your kids watched K-pop Gemon Hunters yet?

00:51:13.059 --> 00:51:13.379
Yes.

00:51:14.179 --> 00:51:15.459
How many hundreds of times?

00:51:15.539 --> 00:51:15.859
Yeah.

00:51:16.019 --> 00:51:17.379
So he was talking about Ginu.

00:51:17.859 --> 00:51:20.579
Oh he's a ghost now.

00:51:20.819 --> 00:51:22.099
Yeah, okay.

00:51:22.499 --> 00:51:23.859
So love that.

00:51:24.099 --> 00:51:26.259
It has a it has a very good message.

00:51:26.579 --> 00:51:30.979
I I've seen bits and pieces of it, and I'm like, I don't understand.

00:51:31.139 --> 00:51:32.259
So maybe I should sit and watch it.

00:51:32.979 --> 00:51:36.259
Yeah, the first time I was like, I don't know about this.

00:51:36.499 --> 00:51:42.099
Because I was at the scene when like the boy band first shows up, and I'm like, uh feels very negative.

00:51:42.659 --> 00:51:44.339
But it's a key, it's a cute baby.

00:51:44.499 --> 00:51:45.059
Yeah.

00:51:45.379 --> 00:51:45.619
Yeah.

00:51:45.699 --> 00:51:50.579
So back to Case and I think the difference is probably just the position that your babies are in.

00:51:50.819 --> 00:51:51.139
Yeah.

00:51:51.379 --> 00:51:53.779
And also first time mom versus second time mom.

00:51:53.939 --> 00:52:03.619
So your body not knowing what to do with your first, and probably because of the back labor you're experiencing, she was probably facing up, not the optimal position.

00:52:03.859 --> 00:52:23.619
Because when babies are facing up, the pressure is on the back side of your pelvis, which is why you feel like it's the back of her head, the hardest part of her head, on the back of your pelvis, the hardest part of the pelvis, where really she needs to be turned the other way so that she can get down because the back part of your pelvis is up here, and then the front part of your pelvis is down here.

00:52:23.699 --> 00:52:27.539
So then there's like a little bit more space for them to maneuver down and it's less pressure.

00:52:27.699 --> 00:52:31.779
And then like they're in the optimal position to come out of your pelvis.

00:52:32.259 --> 00:52:39.539
So I think all of the work you did was to try to move her into a different position or move her through your pelvis while still in that position.

00:52:39.779 --> 00:52:41.619
Either way, that's incredibly hard.

00:52:41.859 --> 00:52:47.699
And then Casein came down the way your body was made for him to come down, right?

00:52:48.419 --> 00:52:51.059
Mom, I'm gonna be at your second child.

00:52:51.139 --> 00:52:52.259
I'm just gonna make this so easy.

00:52:52.819 --> 00:52:52.979
Right.

00:52:53.139 --> 00:52:53.459
Yeah.

00:52:53.699 --> 00:52:56.179
So, and then did you get to hold him right away?

00:52:56.419 --> 00:52:57.779
Uh I think so.

00:52:57.859 --> 00:52:58.259
I don't remember.

00:52:58.339 --> 00:52:58.819
I don't remember.

00:52:59.379 --> 00:52:59.779
I don't know.

00:52:59.859 --> 00:53:01.939
It was all just a big blur.

00:53:02.179 --> 00:53:02.499
I do.

00:53:02.579 --> 00:53:04.419
Braden's like, no, you were awake the whole time.

00:53:04.499 --> 00:53:05.779
I'm like, I don't think I was.

00:53:05.939 --> 00:53:09.459
I don't remember because you're focusing, you were just like in the zone.

00:53:09.779 --> 00:53:12.259
Maybe I don't.

00:53:12.339 --> 00:53:16.819
I remember sitting there and I remember nurses going by and being like, Oh, we gotta get this one.

00:53:16.979 --> 00:53:18.739
And that's labor land.

00:53:18.979 --> 00:53:19.779
That's what we want.

00:53:19.859 --> 00:53:20.819
That's what we try to get.

00:53:20.899 --> 00:53:22.179
Like, your brain is checked out.

00:53:22.339 --> 00:53:25.859
It's you and your intuition and all your primal instincts.

00:53:26.099 --> 00:53:28.339
The rest of your logical brain is checked out.

00:53:28.419 --> 00:53:33.219
Whereas with Kylie, it sounds like your logical brain was there the whole time trying to go, what the hell is happening?

00:53:33.459 --> 00:53:33.939
Probably.

00:53:34.099 --> 00:53:35.139
Yeah, that's hard.

00:53:35.299 --> 00:53:46.019
There's this, I don't remember what the actual code is, and I'm probably gonna misquote this, but there's this story that women go into outer space to like bring their baby back down.

00:53:46.179 --> 00:53:48.659
And I feel like that's what you're supposed to do.

00:53:48.739 --> 00:53:55.379
You're supposed to completely leave your body and go bring this soul into the world in order to make that happen.

00:53:55.539 --> 00:54:05.139
And it sounds like it was really hard for you to do with Kylie because your body wasn't doing what you expected it to do, and you felt like you had to control it and with Haston.

00:54:05.379 --> 00:54:09.619
Your body was doing what you expected it to do, and you just naturally checked out.

00:54:09.779 --> 00:54:14.579
And I feel like you were doing what you're supposed to do.

00:54:14.979 --> 00:54:17.779
Yeah, that makes sense.

00:54:18.019 --> 00:54:22.419
It's I mean, it it definitely makes me feel better because I'm like, I don't remember that.

00:54:22.499 --> 00:54:24.339
I don't remember, I don't remember.

00:54:24.819 --> 00:54:27.379
It's like, why don't I remember these moments?

00:54:27.859 --> 00:54:29.059
Your brain was offline.

00:54:29.779 --> 00:54:34.339
My my brain didn't need me to think right at that point, it just needed me to do.

00:54:34.819 --> 00:54:35.139
Right.

00:54:35.299 --> 00:54:50.259
And that's why we try not to interrupt women in labor because to check back into that thinking part of your brain brings you right back to like the painting and what's happening and imagining like what's going on in your body, and that's scary.

00:54:50.419 --> 00:54:50.739
Right.

00:54:50.979 --> 00:54:56.419
So I feel like you did all of the things that you needed to do in both labors.

00:54:56.739 --> 00:55:05.939
And once you finally were able to go into outer space and get your baby for both, and go visit the stork, right?

00:55:06.019 --> 00:55:11.139
Yeah, because with the epidural, you're able to get your nap and like check out, right?

00:55:11.299 --> 00:55:16.099
And with Casein, the epidural was the part that made you come back to life.

00:55:17.219 --> 00:55:18.899
They're both amazing though.

00:55:19.139 --> 00:55:20.739
Well, you are a rock star for both.

00:55:21.059 --> 00:55:22.019
Thanks for amazing.

00:55:22.259 --> 00:55:23.459
Thanks, Kelly.

00:55:25.219 --> 00:55:32.819
I do think that I mean, for anybody that watches this, obviously, well, not obviously, they don't know me, but you know me.

00:55:33.059 --> 00:55:33.379
I do.

00:55:33.619 --> 00:55:42.579
And you know, we do a lot of thought process thinking and helping us overcome emotions and things like that.

00:55:42.739 --> 00:55:59.779
And so this is something Kelly and I work on all the time with each other, but I do think as a mom, even for somebody that does do that work on ourselves, having somebody else validate your feelings and no matter what happens, you did a good job.

00:55:59.939 --> 00:56:02.899
And I think it's really important that moms hear that.

00:56:03.459 --> 00:56:26.899
And I don't feel like we hear that enough as moms because we take such a burden on like everything's are it's my job to care for the children, it's my job to have the house clean, it's my job to do this, but the validation that whatever you're doing is great, and what you're doing in that moment is what needs to be done.

00:56:27.219 --> 00:56:27.619
Yeah.

00:56:27.859 --> 00:56:34.899
Even if it's not up to the expectations that we think they should have, because we do hold us up on higher expectations.

00:56:35.139 --> 00:56:43.299
Well, and I think that also when we compare ourselves to others and we don't know what the standard we're comparing it to is.

00:56:43.459 --> 00:56:43.699
Right.

00:56:44.259 --> 00:56:53.779
I feel like in this instance, trying to compare Kylie's birth to Kaisen's birth is setting an unreasonable standard.

00:56:54.099 --> 00:56:54.339
Right.

00:56:54.579 --> 00:57:00.259
And so, yeah, of course you're gonna feel awful about that first birth, that that's the standard you're comparing to.

00:57:00.419 --> 00:57:02.819
But that wasn't something you could control.

00:57:03.299 --> 00:57:15.139
And and you actually did control it by instinctually moving in ways that alleviated the pressure, and ultimately that led to your nurse noticing that your epidural wasn't working.

00:57:15.219 --> 00:57:28.259
And honestly, moms with babies that are sunny side up, the way it sounds like Kylie was, need a lot of extra help, whether it's positioning or sometimes you just need to get that epidural so you can relax.

00:57:28.419 --> 00:57:32.419
And I think you did the best you possibly could without knowing what was going on.

00:57:32.659 --> 00:57:33.299
Yeah.

00:57:34.339 --> 00:57:36.819
So we have a few minutes left.

00:57:36.979 --> 00:57:39.139
How was postpartum for both?

00:57:39.379 --> 00:57:42.659
You were talking about breastfeeding, and that's a whole other animal.

00:57:42.899 --> 00:57:45.219
Oh my gosh, yeah, that is a whole nother animal.

00:57:45.379 --> 00:57:46.739
Well, I'll start with case in.

00:57:47.299 --> 00:57:55.059
I do think already gone through the process for things, second baby just easier in my situation.

00:57:55.379 --> 00:57:59.859
COVID lockdown hit, you know, I think it was like the 14th of March.

00:58:00.099 --> 00:58:04.819
So Brandon was forced to stay home because that was something I had a lot of fear for.

00:58:04.899 --> 00:58:09.539
Like, how am I gonna take care of a three-year-old and a newborn baby at the same time?

00:58:09.619 --> 00:58:16.819
But then lockdown happened, and so Brandon was home with me for, you know, six months straight, pretty much.

00:58:17.139 --> 00:58:20.099
So that made life very easy.

00:58:20.339 --> 00:58:28.499
So with Kasen, I think the thing that was harder with Kaysen was the body image stuff because I gained a lot of weight with him.

00:58:28.739 --> 00:58:31.859
So that was definitely a harder thing to overcome.

00:58:31.939 --> 00:58:33.299
With Kylie, I'd lost a lot of the weight.

00:58:33.379 --> 00:58:37.459
With Kaysen, I wasn't working at the restaurant anymore, so I wasn't walking like I had been.

00:58:37.619 --> 00:58:39.379
So there were just a lot of things that compiled.

00:58:39.459 --> 00:58:42.099
So with Kaysen, it was probably more the body image stuff.

00:58:42.419 --> 00:58:44.739
Kylie, the most stressful was the breastfeeding.

00:58:44.819 --> 00:58:53.299
I had in my mind that this is the way God wants it, and it's very easy and natural, and it should just happen.

00:58:53.699 --> 00:58:55.779
And it didn't with Kylie.

00:58:56.019 --> 00:59:12.739
So the fact that I wanted it so bad, we spent a lot of money on cookies and nutrition for me to take, and we read a lot to see what could help.

00:59:13.059 --> 00:59:21.299
And we went to the lactation consultant at the hospital like three times a week to see if she could help.

00:59:21.699 --> 00:59:28.179
And I was pumping at the same time, so that way I could try to get my flow up.

00:59:28.499 --> 00:59:36.739
But I think the most I ever pumped in a session was maybe like one ounce, like ever in the three months I would tried.

00:59:36.899 --> 00:59:42.819
And it hit really hard initially because in the hospital she latched, and the nurse was like, Oh, she latched.

00:59:42.979 --> 00:59:44.579
Great, you're doing a great job.

00:59:44.739 --> 00:59:48.179
And you know, she was gaining weight, and then they lose the weight initially.

00:59:48.339 --> 00:59:57.539
So we when we went to her first doctor's appointment, whatever it was, the five days later, they were like, She's underweight, she's jaundice, so they had to go draw blood from her.

00:59:57.699 --> 01:00:07.219
And at that point, we decided I would not be taking the children to the doctor's office when they needed shots because that was a traumatic situation for me.

01:00:07.459 --> 01:00:11.379
Five days postpartum had to go to the hospital.

01:00:11.539 --> 01:00:18.019
They were poking her foot to try to get the blood, and she was crying so much.

01:00:18.339 --> 01:00:19.699
I was crying.

01:00:20.019 --> 01:00:23.299
Brandon's like, I don't know what to do.

01:00:23.619 --> 01:00:28.179
So that was really hard because I was like, why are they hurting my baby?

01:00:28.419 --> 01:00:31.139
And why is she underweight?

01:00:31.299 --> 01:00:34.179
Why isn't my body doing what it's supposed to do?

01:00:34.339 --> 01:00:43.459
So then we had to start supplementing with formula and looking back from everything that I've learned from you, and then from one of our other ladies in Bumping Beyond Alex.

01:00:43.619 --> 01:00:47.699
I mean, the more stressed you are about something, the less you're going to produce with it.

01:00:47.859 --> 01:00:52.979
And so there were things that I probably could have done differently that I didn't really know about.

01:00:53.539 --> 01:00:59.939
But the that time too with Kylie, there was this shift that breast is best.

01:01:00.339 --> 01:01:05.939
But then you also had the public shaming of if you were breastfeeding in public.

01:01:06.099 --> 01:01:12.339
So it was a very weird time slot, like to have a kid and then wanting to breastfeed.

01:01:12.419 --> 01:01:19.699
And then you have outside sources, the older generation saying, Oh, you should just feed with a bottle and don't try.

01:01:19.939 --> 01:01:21.699
And that bothered me a lot.

01:01:21.859 --> 01:01:31.219
The thing that probably got me the most was my mom came up for it was a week or two weeks, right when Kylie was born to help.

01:01:31.379 --> 01:01:33.459
And it was after the doctor's appointment.

01:01:33.539 --> 01:01:36.819
And mom was like, Oh, I was never able to breastfeed you kids.

01:01:36.979 --> 01:01:44.739
And it was like, mom just dropped a bomb on me that okay, maybe this isn't me, but this is genetics.

01:01:45.059 --> 01:01:49.299
And why the F wouldn't you have said something sooner?

01:01:49.459 --> 01:01:58.259
Because I've been freaking out for you know the last week that I'm not nourishing my child how I'm supposed to and all these things.

01:01:58.339 --> 01:02:03.779
And then maybe it's just my body, like maybe it's just not meant to happen for my body.

01:02:04.019 --> 01:02:15.859
Because before I didn't see that as an option, like, no, God intended moms to produce food for their baby, and so I was gonna do everything in my gosh done power to figure out how to make that work.

01:02:16.179 --> 01:02:35.139
And so at that point, I did feel I actually started a group on Facebook of like my friends that I had known that had had kids, and very similar to what Bump and Beyond is now, where it's like if you have questions, if you're seeking help for something, don't feel like you're lost in the wind.

01:02:35.299 --> 01:02:40.179
Somebody has been through it before you, and you can find help if you ask.

01:02:40.339 --> 01:02:44.019
But yeah, breastfeeding was very, very, very hard.

01:02:44.259 --> 01:02:53.619
Yeah, I tried for three months, and it's with casen, I still was not able to produce a lot, but I gave him what I could.

01:02:54.259 --> 01:03:02.819
But I went at it at a very different mindset of I'm gonna do my best with what I can do, and that is perfect, right?

01:03:02.899 --> 01:03:04.739
And that's the mindset we all need.

01:03:04.899 --> 01:03:05.299
Yes.

01:03:05.539 --> 01:03:10.419
I mean, if anything, I could give some a mom mindset going into the first time.

01:03:10.499 --> 01:03:13.139
It's you're gonna do the best that you can, and that is perfect.

01:03:13.379 --> 01:03:13.779
Yes.

01:03:13.939 --> 01:03:17.379
And so with Casein, I was like, okay, I'm good, we're done.

01:03:17.539 --> 01:03:21.299
And I think for him, it was like a month that I tried.

01:03:21.379 --> 01:03:27.059
But with Kylie, she was either strapped my boob trying to feed her, or I had the pumps in.

01:03:28.019 --> 01:03:37.379
And we spent, I mean, you know, doing the research on the breast pumps, like I got the spectra or whatever it was from the insurance company.

01:03:37.539 --> 01:03:41.059
But then okay, maybe we get new flanges that fit my boobs better.

01:03:41.299 --> 01:03:47.459
And maybe, oh, maybe if we get the hoka, that's just like it just squeezes it out based off assumption.

01:03:47.619 --> 01:03:56.259
Or so I mean, we spent, I was like, oh, they have this new one that like I don't know, like we spent so much money in time.

01:03:56.419 --> 01:04:02.099
I spent so much time on that to try to get it because I thought it was what was supposed to happen.

01:04:02.979 --> 01:04:09.939
And like I said, in the hospital, they were very adamant about you should keep trying to breastfeed, you should keep trying to do this.

01:04:10.019 --> 01:04:15.219
But then it got to the point, especially with me having to go back to work, I was like, it's not, it's not working.

01:04:15.379 --> 01:04:20.579
This is, I'm not gonna be in the restaurant and pump for every two hours.

01:04:20.659 --> 01:04:25.139
I have to leave my tables to go pump for 20 minutes each side.

01:04:25.379 --> 01:04:25.699
Yeah.

01:04:25.939 --> 01:04:29.859
And so when I went back to work, I think I did it for like a week and I was like, I'm out.

01:04:30.099 --> 01:04:31.779
This is I'm yeah.

01:04:31.939 --> 01:04:33.379
And were you in the bathroom doing that?

01:04:33.619 --> 01:04:35.059
No, they let me go to the office.

01:04:35.219 --> 01:04:36.019
Oh, that's nice.

01:04:36.179 --> 01:04:38.499
Yeah, I was really good friends with management.

01:04:38.659 --> 01:04:41.619
They did have a camera in the office, but there was like one, no, no, no, no.

01:04:41.699 --> 01:04:43.619
There was one corner that nothing saw.

01:04:43.779 --> 01:04:48.579
It was right by the door, so they put like a screen over the window.

01:04:48.979 --> 01:04:57.219
And then, you know, there'd only be two people with keys at any time in the restaurant, and I was one of them because I would manage for them sometimes.

01:04:57.459 --> 01:04:59.299
So they're like, whenever you need to go, just go.

01:04:59.459 --> 01:05:02.499
So they were very supportive of what I wanted to do.

01:05:02.739 --> 01:05:07.859
But like I said, after it was after like a few shifts, and I was like, Yeah, um sucks.

01:05:08.179 --> 01:05:08.979
So done.

01:05:09.299 --> 01:05:15.779
But I wanted I wanted that connection with Kylie, and I wanted to give her what she needed.

01:05:15.939 --> 01:05:25.139
And I do believe that I mean, obviously with the studies, it shows it's true, but breast milk is amazing for the kids, and I wanted to give that to her.

01:05:25.539 --> 01:05:29.859
Um, and my body was just like, no, you can have a little bit, but not a lot.

01:05:30.099 --> 01:05:31.699
Yeah, I had the same feeling.

01:05:31.859 --> 01:05:42.499
And the the truth is, I don't want to gloss over the dark history of breastfeeding and wet nurses and all that, but in the past, that's why we've had alternatives, right?

01:05:42.659 --> 01:05:49.699
So in my head, I thought, and this is what I told myself if it were 200 years ago and I weren't able to.

01:05:50.099 --> 01:05:51.699
Breastfeed my baby, she would die.

01:05:51.779 --> 01:05:55.779
That was what was playing in my head when I was determined to breastfeed.

01:05:56.019 --> 01:06:02.899
The truth is, there are other humans out there or animals that can breastfeed your baby.

01:06:03.139 --> 01:06:08.579
And I'm not advocating for going out and finding another human to do it.

01:06:08.739 --> 01:06:11.459
If that's what you want to do, that's that's fine.

01:06:11.699 --> 01:06:20.419
We have a lot of options now, like we have donor banks where the milk has been pasteurized, tested, all of that stuff.

01:06:20.579 --> 01:06:23.219
Cow's milk isn't equivalent to breast milk.

01:06:23.379 --> 01:06:29.059
So if you're thinking about replacing breast milk with cow's milk, don't do it until your baby's a year old.

01:06:29.299 --> 01:06:32.579
But 200 years ago, there were other options.

01:06:33.059 --> 01:06:44.179
I know my mom told me that her mom used, I think, barley to make some sort of formula for her because she couldn't breastfeed, or it was frowned upon back then.

01:06:44.259 --> 01:06:48.179
I don't even know because there's been so many different trends in feeding babies.

01:06:48.259 --> 01:06:48.659
Right.

01:06:48.899 --> 01:06:53.619
So, and also back when your mom was feeding you, the trend was definitely not breastfeeding.

01:06:53.699 --> 01:06:55.539
That was when formula was the thing, right?

01:06:55.619 --> 01:06:57.299
And so there was no support.

01:06:57.539 --> 01:07:01.299
And there's so much expectation on moms and the rules change all the time.

01:07:01.379 --> 01:07:01.619
Yeah.

01:07:01.779 --> 01:07:08.739
So if you are trying to fit into the societal mold that you're seeing today, I want to absolve you of that because it's a trend.

01:07:08.819 --> 01:07:09.939
That's all it is right now.

01:07:10.179 --> 01:07:18.339
We get the information that we get from the sources we get, and then we interpret that information and we share it, and then moms are told that they should follow that.

01:07:18.499 --> 01:07:20.899
And truthfully, moms need to do what they need to do.

01:07:21.059 --> 01:07:32.739
They need to figure out what's best for them and their family and figure out what works for them and then move on and not worry about what society is saying and sure, go to the pediatrician, make sure your baby's healthy.

01:07:32.899 --> 01:07:33.059
Right.

01:07:33.379 --> 01:07:34.819
And listen to the pediatrician.

01:07:34.979 --> 01:07:40.419
But also, if you're talking to your pediatrician and something just doesn't feel right for you, ask for alternatives.

01:07:40.579 --> 01:07:41.219
They can help you.

01:07:41.379 --> 01:07:42.739
And it doesn't need to mean anything.

01:07:42.899 --> 01:07:49.219
You don't need to create an entire story around like I did, you know, like my baby would have died 200 years ago.

01:07:49.299 --> 01:07:51.699
Don't do that to yourself because it's probably not true.

01:07:51.859 --> 01:07:53.299
You probably don't have enough information.

01:07:53.539 --> 01:08:00.019
Do what's best for you right now, given the circumstances you have right now, and let that be the best that you can do.

01:08:00.179 --> 01:08:04.819
Because your job is to be the best mother, human being for your baby.

01:08:04.979 --> 01:08:08.099
And it doesn't just mean you give them the perfect food.

01:08:08.179 --> 01:08:10.499
It doesn't just mean that you have the perfect delivery.

01:08:10.659 --> 01:08:12.979
You do the best you can in the moment and you move on.

01:08:13.139 --> 01:08:26.019
And you know that the decision that you made, the the resources that you had at that moment, the emotional energy that you had in that moment, the physical energy you had in that moment, that you did the best thing that you could in that moment for you and your baby.

01:08:26.099 --> 01:08:26.979
And then you move on.

01:08:27.139 --> 01:08:27.779
Well said.

01:08:28.019 --> 01:08:36.739
Normally at this point, I ask if you could go back in time and talk to yourself at any point in this process, where would you go and what would you say?

01:08:36.899 --> 01:08:42.099
I feel like you've kind of already answered this, but I'm gonna go ahead and give you the opportunity.

01:08:42.420 --> 01:08:46.500
So, in all seriousness, I would go back and say, call Kelly.

01:08:47.139 --> 01:08:52.179
I don't know if I could have helped you nine years ago because I was still in the turmoil of my first birth.

01:08:52.500 --> 01:08:52.819
Right.

01:08:52.979 --> 01:09:05.139
It would, and I think a a lot of the situation that came through has just been being around the people I'm with and the company I'm with, and just that what happened happened and it's okay.

01:09:05.220 --> 01:09:06.340
And I did a great job.

01:09:06.500 --> 01:09:06.819
Yeah.

01:09:06.979 --> 01:09:07.539
Doing it.

01:09:07.779 --> 01:09:10.500
I I think the message though is find your village.

01:09:10.659 --> 01:09:11.220
Yes.

01:09:11.539 --> 01:09:11.779
Right.

01:09:11.939 --> 01:09:13.939
Because that's the only way we've come through this.

01:09:14.099 --> 01:09:20.659
Like I've done so much healing from finding my village in ways I had no idea I needed to heal.

01:09:20.819 --> 01:09:24.179
And I think that I mean, like, that's kind of our life's work right now.

01:09:24.340 --> 01:09:27.699
So find your village.

01:09:27.859 --> 01:09:31.460
And if you don't have a village, come join Bumped and Beyond because we're here for you.

01:09:31.699 --> 01:09:37.619
And taking that a step further, it's showing our children how we can overcome hard situations too.

01:09:38.099 --> 01:09:52.579
And I truly believe the situations that we go through are meant to help us educate others, whether it be our children or our friends or someone we've never met before, uh, understand that they're not alone and what they're doing.

01:09:52.739 --> 01:09:53.380
Yeah.

01:09:53.859 --> 01:10:00.420
And as a mom, I think we question ourselves a lot, but you always know what's going to be best for you and for your babies.

01:10:00.579 --> 01:10:00.739
Yeah.

01:10:00.979 --> 01:10:02.979
Tap into that instinct and listen to it.

01:10:03.220 --> 01:10:03.460
Yeah.

01:10:03.619 --> 01:10:04.739
Or call Kelly.

01:10:04.899 --> 01:10:05.699
Or call me.

01:10:08.340 --> 01:10:12.019
Well, Erin, I'm so glad we finally got a chance to do this.

01:10:12.260 --> 01:10:14.979
And as always, it's been a pleasure talking to you.

01:10:15.220 --> 01:10:15.779
It's been a pleasure.

01:10:15.859 --> 01:10:16.659
I missed your face.

01:10:16.899 --> 01:10:17.859
I missed yours too.

01:10:17.939 --> 01:10:19.619
It's been a busy summer, but I'm so glad.

01:10:19.939 --> 01:10:20.979
I'm looking forward to doing this.

01:10:21.460 --> 01:10:22.979
And then I say that in school is even busier.

01:10:23.139 --> 01:10:25.139
And then you're sad, and then we're babies.

01:10:25.460 --> 01:10:25.779
I know.

01:10:25.859 --> 01:10:26.179
Yeah.

01:10:26.739 --> 01:10:27.460
Exactly.

01:10:28.179 --> 01:10:28.579
Love you.

01:10:28.739 --> 01:10:29.619
Thank you so much for doing this.

01:10:29.859 --> 01:10:30.579
Thank you, Kelly.

01:10:30.659 --> 01:10:31.460
Love you too.