Finding Strength in Loss: Rachel Redmond's Story

0:00 This episode depicts pregnancy loss. Listeners who are sensitive to this topic may prefer to skip this episode. Hello, today I have with me Rachel Redmond. Rachel is the mother of one and she is here today to bravely share her story of being faced with the heart-wrenching circumstance of having to terminate a wanted pregnancy for medical reasons. She will bring us through her emotional journey, the struggles she faced and the reasons why she had to make such a difficult decision. We hope that her story will bring awareness and understanding to the complexities of reproductive rights and the support that individuals going through such challenging experiences need. Rachel, welcome and thank you for joining me.

0:42 Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here and share my story. I'm so thankful that you are willing to be open and talk with me today, so I'm gonna let you tell your story, sure. I will say that I'm the kind of person that has always wanted to be a mother since I was a little kid. I met my husband in 2012. We were living in New Mexico at the time. I live now in Michigan, but I was living in Santa Fe. I was in school for acupuncture in Chinese medicine, met my husband there. We ended up getting married a couple years later and then decided to start our family around 2016. And I was fortunate that I got pregnant easily.

1:26 The first time I got pregnant. It ended in a miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, so a very early miscarriage, and that was pretty troubling to me And I did kind of hold back and wait to try again. And then I did try again And, luckily, i got pregnant easy back then and I was so happy And at the same time, my husband got a new job in Michigan, which happens to be where I'm from. So we were gonna move across the country from Santa Fe to Michigan and start a new chapter of our lives, and I just graduated from school and it was just a very happy time. Okay, so then fast forward, my husband and I move across the country to back to Michigan for me And in July of 2016,.

2:08 And I'm pregnant and I'm nervous about moving to a new place because it was a new city for me. I didn't know anybody there. When I was excited to be pregnant thought, oh, i'll just make some new friends and go to prenatal yoga and start my acupuncture practice and all of those things. And we were in the process of buying a house And during that time it was actually our first year wedding anniversary I was scheduled for my 20 week anatomy scan. Since this was my first pregnancy, i really didn't know much about this anatomy scan. I didn't realize what they were looking for, kind of the criteria about it. I just thought, oh, you know, i had a kind of an intuition that I was gonna be a boy And I just sort of wanted that confirmed and was excited to, you know, get to see the baby again on the screen and see the heartbeat.

2:52 I just look forward to all these ultrasounds during my pregnancy. So I was just really excited. We went in. It was a Monday morning, it was I think I have a point it was 8 am. My husband came with me and I wasn't really prepared for the anatomy scan, for how long it would be, and the technician kept coming in and coming out and saying, oh, i need to go talk to the doctor, and then coming back in. So I did get a little bit nervous during that time. But I called a friend and she's like, oh, that's normal, don't worry about it, you know, everything's fine, you know. And so they told us we were having a boy, which is what I expected. And I just had a strong feeling about that And I was just excited And my husband and I went home and think I had to do some work things.

3:34 And then I was just sitting on the couch later And then I got a phone call from my doctor And the doctor said that they found multiple fetal anomalies on the anatomy scan And that she couldn't tell me exactly what that meant. but then I would have to go in for more testing and another anatomy scan later on in the week with the genetic counselor and a more specialized technology. So in that moment I just had the wind knocked out of me because she said normally if we find one marker, it's no big deal, it resolves itself. But there were five that we found on your anatomy scan. It was Monday, so I had to wait until Friday to get more information.

4:17 I was just in this complete waiting game, limbo land, having no idea what was going on, but starting to feel like whatever it was was not very good. I'm starting to already prepare myself for not knowing what the outcome would be but that somehow I'd be letting go of this baby or saying goodbye. It was a very tough week. We closed in our house that week. It was sort of this crazy of these highs and lows. And then I went in on Friday for the anatomy scan and they did this long scan. It took at least two hours or so. It just felt like it forever. Then we met with the genetic counselor and she said that they found this rare fetal anomaly that's called dandy walker malformation.

5:03 This is where part of the brain, i think the cerebellum is missing and the babies generally have many, many complications Upon birth. They do generally can survive this, but it is kind of a spectrum diagnosis. There are people walking around with dandy walker malformation that maybe don't even know it until they get an MRI one day for headaches or something. Some people. It's very, very severe where the person is not able to eat or walk or talk or feed themselves or have any sort of emotional communication. Lots of seizures as a child and needing lots of brain surgeries Of that wide spectrum. They said we were on the more severe end of it.

5:44 There was already there was all these things found. At that moment the genetic counselor said well, you have options and these are your options. You can choose to carry the baby and go through the medical System and probably will live in a hospital and things like that. I need many surgeries and lots of care. Or you can choose to terminate the pregnancy. I chose to terminate the pregnancy and it was a very difficult decision. I think of it as like it's not really a choice. It's just like a choice between two horrible options. I just felt really strongly that the most compassionate thing I could do for my unborn child was to let them go.

6:30 That is what I did. I will say I don't have any regrets about my choice, but I will say that I carry the grief and the trauma of that experience. I will rest my life. That was seven years ago. Almost These days it has transformed for me. I think of it more as like an honoring of the child that I never had and have rituals around certain milestones and important dates in my life, but it was a pretty horrific experience. There was the election going on at that time and that was a very difficult time, and abortion is always in the news and politics. That was just a very troubling time to be facing this thing and then having all this outer world telling me horrible things You're a murderer and these things like that Things I didn't fully internalize, but that didn't make it any easier, because it was already hard enough to lose a baby and then lose it in this way.

7:27 There were just so many things. Then, meanwhile, we just moved to a new place and I didn't know anybody and hadn't started my practice yet. It was sort of like a perfect story of really, really difficult things all at once. So 2016, 2017, those are very, very difficult years for me. Of course, there's many other details and aspects to my story, but that's sort of the main version. Yeah. So I like how you said that you have transformed your grief into honoring your unborn child, because I agree that the most merciful thing that you can do sometimes is to let that child go, and I want it to acknowledge your bravery in that situation and allowing yourself to make that decision to not put your child through your son, because you did find out the sex through all of those surgeries and everything that could have happened, yeah, and I think at the end of the day, it's like that was my choice and that was what was best for me and for my family, and people may make other choices in the same scenario, and it's not about who's right or who's wrong, or who's better choice or worse.

8:35 I think it's just the ability to have a choice in a very terrible situation is something that should be a right and a basic human right, and unfortunately, as things are right now, that is not actually the case for people. So you add trauma upon trauma and heartbreak upon heartbreak, and so I just always respect that, because I've known other people who've had fetal anomalies detected and chose to carry, and I honor those stories just as much as someone like me who's chose to terminate. So I just always like to say that, because there's so much judgment that goes into this, you know people are judging us from all directions, so the last thing I want to do is to have any judgment upon anybody else. So right. Yeah, i'm appreciative that you have highlighted that as a choice as well, because everybody has a different way of coming to an emotional understanding in those circumstances And I don't want to villainize anybody's choice or anybody's way of finding closure or anybody's way of taking on some of those responsibilities and everything that would go with that child.

9:38 So you had mentioned that there was a lot going on during that time. I think these decisions are. Often you feel a lot of pressure and you feel like you're rushing to make these huge life altering decisions, especially when we're looking at some of the timing legally at this point. Did you consult anyone other than the genetic counselor? Did you do any emotional therapy or if you had a religion? Yeah, I mean I consulted with my husband, although of course I was in charge. Whatever Right It happened. It was the toughest decision I've ever made, but also the easiest one in a way.

10:19 So I knew, i knew right away what I had to do, So I didn't really need to consult with I just knew in my heart it was just one of those strong knowings that there is no way that I was going to carry this baby into the world, and so I knew that deep, deeply. And then I think I just looked to my husband and to my parents and to my brothers my best friend to support and affirm that decision, which they did, and I don't have any one in my family that gave me any trouble or anything like that. I'm lucky. I know some people's parents disagree with their choice or come from a very religious place, and that was not the case for me. I was raised Jewish and reform Jewish, and so I consulted my rabbi for support after the fact and went to his office one day with my husband and said prayers together because we didn't have a funeral And what I wanted to do some kind of Jewish traditions around that.

11:16 So no, i don't think I really can. I just knew it was just. it was like the hardest decision and also the easiest one in the weirdest way, because I just I knew I didn't delivery. I got the, i got the facts from the doctor, i got the information I needed. I you know as much as they could give me a picture. It was pretty clear. It wasn't. You know, there's these gray diagnosis, which is can be very challenging because you don't often know. But with the information I received that, i had a very clear sense that this baby was not going to survive, even after multiple interventions. So do you ever feel like it's important to share what was involved in the actual delivery.

11:57 I am open to that. I would say that you know. I mean, once you choose to terminate, then you have to choose how exactly. There were so many choices and I thought should I just be enough that I make this compassionate choice And then now I have to choose how and where and what and insurance and all of these things? So I was 21 weeks when I terminated. So, given that I was that far into the second trimester, my options were surgical procedure and D and E, a dilation and evacuation. It's like a, a DNC, but I had to be put under anesthesia. It's just some more involves. So it's a surgical process. And then the other option is to labor and deliver the baby. So you know, i think this happens in different ways. In my case they would have given an injection to stop the baby's heart and then induced me with pitocin, and then that could have taken a couple of days because I was only 21 weeks, and then labor and deliver in the hospital.

12:48 I wasn't able to labor and deliver in the hospital that I was in because they don't allow that And in Michigan the cutoff for termination general is 24 weeks. So I decided and it was going to be, i think about $10,000 out of pocket to labor and deliver, whereas a surgical procedure, i think, was 100 after insurance, and I was lucky to have my insurance cover pretty much all of it, which is not the case for many, especially these days probably. So, based on the various calculations, i decided to have the surgical procedure and then I had to do it in a different hospital that would do that procedure And I was 21 weeks, so I was before the cutoff, so it was close, but I had time.

13:30 There was about I think it was about almost two weeks between the initial anatomy scan and the termination. So there's a lot of things that are involved in that. The procedure itself is generally pretty standard. I luckily did not have any complications. There can be complications, there is always risks involved, but I think generally things go pretty well. And one thing that my doctor said to me that I so appreciated was he said you know, the procedure is straightforward. Your body will recover fast, you'll be physically, you'll be fine, but the emotional part is going to take a lot longer, and I appreciated that he acknowledged that and told me that I knew that. But it was nice hearing that from a medical professional as well.

14:11 Thank you for sharing that, first of all, because I know that can be hard to relive, But I think, highlighting the hurdles to and some of the reasons behind some of the decisions that you have to make like if you had preferred to labor, perhaps. But then there's the hurdle of not being able to deliver in your own hospital and having such a huge difference in how much you're going to pay. It's not just the emotional and the closure that you're factoring into those decisions. It's the availability of certain procedures and options based on insurance, based on laws, based on all of these things that you have to navigate on top of the fact that you're coming to terms with.

14:52 You have a child that has anomalies that are not conducive to life, Yeah, And just the imagining having to navigate that whole scenario is just so overwhelming as I think about it. So it just makes me. It makes me hurt for people that have to go through that and navigate the waters during, especially during this political climate, but just in general, Yeah, and I will say that there were so many ripple effects of that experience that for years were new challenges and new hurdles that were outcomes of that situation in that time, one of which was that, you know, i felt so invisible in my grief.

15:36 People didn't see the mother in me, but I was a mother because I became a mother the moment I made this choice on behalf of my child. A lot of people think you become a mother the moment your child is placed into your arms. So I think what I realized is that there's sort of like a spectrum of becoming a mother and it's different for each of us. It could be, you know, when a person adopts a child, or there's different ways, and so I didn't anticipate that I would become a mother the moment I made the choice to let my son go. That was pretty extraordinary for me. And then to be trying to grasp this identity as mother when nobody in the world reflected that back to me, that was so challenging, and some of my work now is I run a support group called Invisible Mothers for Pregnancy Loss so that we can have the space to to feel seen and validated and to share our stories And it's.

16:31 I'm not a therapist, although I have background in healing and healing practitioner, but I want to just hold spaces for people because I felt so invisible and my in grief is so isolating as it is, and I was going through this postpartum experience my milk was coming in, my hormones were shifting It was so many layers of things And there was just as much as I had a lot of care and support from my family and friends. There was just so little resources out there for me And for people who've gone through pregnancy loss And so just that invisibility of that grief was one of the ripple effects. Then you have to decide should I try again to get pregnant When? how you know?

17:12 like there's just so many many ripple effects of that. Oh, i also happened to be pregnant with like seven or eight of my close friends at the same time, so that was like another level once they started having babies and trying to toe the line of being super happy for my friends, most of them were first time mothers not all of them, but some of them And and then just managing my own grief and seeing their life so full and mine felt so empty of a child And there was just so many layers. So I would say that winter, when all of my friends that winter in spring, when my friends were having babies and I was just so, it was so hard And that was nearly seven years ago And I'm so glad to be removed from that and to have done so much work to heal into.

18:02 You know, one of the most healing things I can do is to tell my story and to make myself seen. I guess you know, to take control of that, what felt so invisible to me. And so I actually, in a moment of like I feel like it was a moment of rage I reached out to NPR, or Michigan radio, our NPR station, and I said someone needs to hear my story about terminating for medical reasons. There's so much talk about abortion. Nobody's telling this story. Will you tell mine? And they reached back out to me and they said we want to tell your story. And for about two months I went back and forth with the producers because they wanted to fact check everything and speak with me and, you know, get ready for the interview.

18:45 And it was one of the most healing things that I did was I was like, wow, these people who don't even know me are so kind and are so empathetic And they want to share this story with the world. And there was something so transformational about that for me because I finally got to take all of this that was inside of me and just lay it out for other people to see. And it's almost like made it more real for me. And you know, when you're experiencing so many complicated emotions but yet you feel invalidated every step of the way, it's like I needed to make what I was feeling tangible and real and, you know, visible. So through telling my story on podcasts platforms.

19:26 It's always a gift, so I'm grateful to share and have this opportunity, and the more I do, the more I just feel like there's always a different layer of healing that comes And not everybody is going to find healing and telling their story, especially because it's not a safe place, it's not a safe world to do that. For me, it's been helpful, but I think we all have to find our unique paths to healing those wounds that will stay with us. Yeah, i agree, i have so many things that I want to touch on, but I didn't want to interrupt, starting with the last thing that you did mention. I agree, and that's why I think that creating that safe space is so important, because, as mothers I definitely agree You became a mother when you made the decision to let your child go.

20:09 As mothers, our deepest instinct is to protect our child, and you said that you just felt deeply that that was what you needed to do, that it was the hardest and easiest decision that you ever made, and I truly believe that you made that decision to protect your child from all of the things that you learned would become a part of his life, and I really feel like that was the biggest step that you can take as a mother, because how hard is that to let your child go? I feel like, also, as mothers birthing people because not everybody identifies as a mother we have this experience that we can only fathom once we've been through it.

20:56 And then we have people on the other side that have not experienced that yet, that want to become parents in that way, and just speaking with people about how those of us who have been through a birthing process tend to overshare, just in general, because we have such big, a big experience that is within us that just needs to be processed and That can be a little bit more than what somebody is ready to hear, and so I just feel like It's important for us to find the right platform to share, and I think that you've done such a great job of Seeking that platform out to be able to process all of that in a way that people that are ready to consume that and Are ready to heal in that way by listening and listening to your experience and identifying and relating that you have put that out in the World to be able to allow those people that need that to consume that and those that Aren't ready for that don't need to.

22:00 When you were going through that experience and you had your other friends That were having the experience that you wanted And you did express that you were feeling happy for them, that you were celebrating their experience But, at the same time, grieving your own how did you navigate that? What were your challenges and how did your friends Reciprocate or how were they able to support you in that and or how did maybe you guys learn in that situation? I imagine it was tough for my friends to navigate that space with me. For obvious reasons, i will say that my my very best friend in the world. I was pregnant at the same time with hers her first time being pregnant as well And she was actually pregnant with twins and they ended up being born early, prematurely, and they were born around my due date.

22:52 So they're born almost two months early, very a lot closer to my due date than probably her due date, you know, and that was both challenging, but she was somehow there for me in such a profound way while Going through her own thing. You know, it was like such a I don't know. Maybe it's just a testament to our friendship that we were able to just be so real about things, and I don't even know how we got through that time, to be honest. Oh, i mean her baby's wearing the nikyu for a while. I think it's a bit of just being so Like. Your love for someone allows you to deal with a whole lot of discomfort and maybe in a small way It helped that.

23:35 I hate to say this, but You know, birthing to premature twins and dealing with that is very tricky, and so had she had like a blissful, easy babies experience. I honestly think that would have been harder for me, but she was having a tough time and I was able to kind of be there for her in the ways that she needed. I think it would have been a lot harder if she had this like picture perfect birth, but there was opportunities, for she needed me And so I could show up for her and I needed her And somehow she found a way to show up for me. And you know, one of the hardest moments was she was in the hospital with her babies and I went to go see her. Of course she's my best friend.

24:16 I didn't have to do that, i really didn't have to, but it was important to her that I was there, i was important to me that I was there. But one of the hardest things was seeing her babies in the you know, in the NICU, because they were so premature. You know there was only like 10 weeks between. So that was hard for me visually to see what a child looked like. It's hard to even describe into words. But that was the hardest part for me And I mean I broke down in the hospital, i cried with her, we cried together. It was I don't know, somehow we did it. She's still my best friend and we navigate motherhood together now. Her kids are a year older than my son is now. I had a baby here later And I don't know, humans are resilient, i guess I don't have any words for it, to be honest, but it was, it was.

25:01 I think the thing I learned how to do the most was to. My therapist told me you need to learn to expand the container of what you can hold. You need to hold this grief, hold the sorrow and hold the joy at the same time. And I was. I mean, it wasn't easy. I ended up going through depression. You know, grief kind of morphed into depression for me. It was very difficult. It wasn't pretty, I will say, but it did it. You know, i managed. I stayed there for my friends and showed up for them when they showed up for me. So I don't know how we did it, but we did. Well, like your therapist was saying, I think you both held space for each other And then I think, even if it morphing into depression isn't, it's a neutral thing.

25:42 It is what happened. It isn't a good thing or a bad thing. It is just a thing You recognize the thing, you recognize that it wasn't a thing that you wanted And you worked through it, and so to be able to recognize when things aren't going the way that you prefer, you can then find a solution, and I've been able to be so observant of your situation and then be able to move forward with decisions in those situations. I think that that's probably what helped you guys. And I will say too, like I had, I'm in the healing profession And so I had a background of nearly 15 years of meditation, Many self-care tools, yoga, nutrition, healthy eating, self-care all these things.

26:30 So I had all of that already. That was already my foundation. I was lucky because it was like I always felt like I was hiking Mount Everest but I had on shoes that fit in a pack that supported me. And some people fall into this and they haven't had any time or opportunity to develop these coping skills and coping mechanisms And while it was still extraordinarily difficult, like I always felt, like I had support, foundation and I had good people around me and family and friends And that did make a difference. It did help that I had these practices to return to and these ways to observe myself and just kind of reflect and allow myself to process what was happening in the grief and the sadness and try and take steps forward, and if only we could build a society where everybody has that.

27:19 Yeah, that would be a game changer. It sure would. Well, rachel, if there is nothing else, i would like to thank you so much for sharing your story, and I'd love to hear more about your son and that birth journey And, additionally, your practice in healing, because I think that obviously has had a huge part in shaping how you have framed these experiences and how you have come through. So, yeah, thank you so much.